We stepped off the plane in Toronto airport and my brain whispered, "Safe." Safe? Safe from what? Surely not from the plane ride. I've never been afraid of crashing. After all, I've flown across to England every year for school since I was six. Safe from the Chinese corruption, my mind reminded me. The larger part of my conscious argued, "There are worse things in America." Maybe, but at least here I'm not an illegal alien and I can easily get help if I need it.
Oh, I need it. I expected to come back a year from now with more money, more experience and a possibility of going to graduate school. Not this. I have come back to the same fragmented pieces that I left behind promising that I'd find the missing pieces to make them fit, the Exacto knife to trim them down or the putty to fill in the blanks.
I pick up each piece and examine it for what I have. Clues on what I can do to hold my small life together. Piece one shows me I have a few reliable friends. The same friends that helped me out of everything before, love me and never seem to get sick of the fact that I'm always in trouble. I've always paid them back the money I owed them and tried to be there for them. It is not enough, my mind screams. Why should they always bail me out of trouble? I need to find a way to express what they mean to me. They are my best friends, but I don't want to rely on them. They know this, but I feel the need to prove it. Maybe I will in time.
The second piece shows me that I have a completed bachelor's degree. One step in my career. It has glimpses of a connecting piece of my work history, another huge step for my career. I put the pieces together and smile, satisfied that I did something right. Next up, getting into graduate school. That will acquire another missing piece for me to put in with this one.
The third piece shows me that I have a job. Actually, a good job that pays fairly well at $8.00 an hour. My boss is also one of my closest friends that I see in the first piece. Always there to bail me out of my most expensive trouble, and the only one I've yet to pay back in monetary form. I've worked hard for him for four years, so he trusts me. He knows I know what I'm doing. He knows I mean to pay him back. I just need the money that he pays me to do it. It is in his best interest to keep me employeed.
A crucial piece is missing. I have no home. I have a few places I could live, but only temporarily. I could live with my boyfriend and his parents far away from my work place. I don't think this is good as his mother and I don't get along so well.
I could live with my best friend in Ohio. I love Andrew like he's my brother, and I'm part of the family. However, I'd kill him if I had to live with him too long. Such is the way of best friends, I suppose. It is also far from where I work at, but I can get a Greyhound there once a month to go in to talk to the boss.
I could live in the lab where I work at, which is OK, but I have no free access to a shower. This is not good. Nor do I like living and working in the same place. I did it last year and it drove me stir crazy. In less than three months of that, I hated the place. I love my work, but I hated the building. It would be worse if I didn't have classes to go to that would help break the monotony. Both of these is a flat no.
With these options, living with my best friend is the best choice for freedom, comfort and workability.
The fourth piece I pick up reflect my health. It is not good, but it could be worse. I need to eat better (as in not like a broke college student with only $7 a week to subsist on), exercise more, and lose some weight. Eating nothing but noodles for a semester killed me, but I can fix this. Somehow.
The last piece is that of bills. It is the darkest piece that seems to have no end. It is by far the most discouraging, but the most motivational. I want to see this piece cleared up a bit more. I want it to feel less heavy. I have a job, so that will help.
The pieces lay scattered in front of me. There are a lot of pieces missing. It is going to take a lot of work to get them together so I can feel "safe". Time to get to work on that. Somehow the answers will show themselves, the pieces will show up in my life, and I'll be able to truly express to my friends how much they have done for me and that I'm not a selfish person. I do see all these things.
