STRANGER! if you, passing, meet me,
and desire to speak to me,
why should you not speak to me?
And why should I not speak to you--
Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass.
It was in a NYC sub on the way to Queens Boulevard or maybe it was on the Penn Station bound sub…it’s all now a blur and the only thing I remember is this collection of words.
Bear with me for a short while, I just want to write this out, I’ve been going through stages and periods of soul searching or self recollection---- Ah…as one gets old[er], one wants to think about life. What’s been happening, what we want to happen, what we wish didn’t happen.
The Past, Present and Future…I’ve been thinking of all three simultaneously these days.
This year has not been pretty; I didn’t register or take any classes in spring semester. I dropped out or am transferring, rather, from a highly regarded university to a place that, in some people’s eyes, isn’t. I did not want to meet people, deleted all the numbers on my cell phone...basically was sick of life and living because I had given up on everything. I want to erase some of these things, just delete and let them decay from my memory but then that would mean all that I learned through this struggle would also be gone. I want to remember this trouble and struggle.
All this could have broken me and I wished to end those past miseries but instead it made me become what you see. I think that I have to thank a lot of things for keeping me grounded, living and loving.
Thanks to all the people I’ve met and those books and various things that I’ve read. I guess I’m giving my graciousness to all things that have been a part of me and had an effect on me. They kept me in the here and now and gave new life and meaning to the vanishing soul within.
I wrote this recently to my friends and loved ones and posted it on facebook and myspace (it's how I keep in touch with most of them)---I want to share this here too:
It has been about two and a half years since I have probably seen most of the people who I have listed as friends on myspace and facebook too [those from HS]...I think I didn't know how hard it gets to move on and live life while remembering and keeping in touch with those golden moments and treasured olden friends.
It's complicated to know if that old friend (person you knew) wants to meet you, maybe they hated you for some unknown reason, maybe you still are the same while they have changed but all these assumptions/fears I felt and kept close within and I think I let them hold me back from doing a lot of things I wanted to do and meeting a lot of people. I might have made everything difficult when it need not to be so weird and twisted. I miss you, I think I am content knowing you all are happy and living life, loving it, breathing intelligence and achieving smart greatness.
Keep it up, all of you, I wish this from my heart. I hope you revel in the joys and pains of life, get through everything and if you need a helping hand, someone to talk to about your woes and foes and comment, if you feel comfortable enough to share your troubles with me, I am there...because that is what my friend[s] did for me and I love them for it, will live for myself and them and enjoy all the good things and change all the wrongful hateful things, slowly...hopefully surely....maybe, one-some beautiful day, lets meet again, cherish the present and remember the past ( ^_^ )
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