Sometimes, people, read an entry in my blog, such as "Attacked by a Moron" and they'll write me a notice or a private message saying something along the lines of "you're such a good person..."
Am I?
My husband and I went to celebrate an old friend's birthday tonight; Dolph has been my best friend for more than ten years, And amidst the karaoke and dancing, a familiar and terrorizing face made its way through the crowd tonight.
I froze as Josue made his way through the crowd to me while I was singing a mediocre rendition of Belinda Carlisle's "Mad About You"... Immediately, my best friend, a 450 pound karaoke DJ, stood up and grabbed a microphone to introduce "Mutant Number 5"...
You see, that was our code name for bad dates we didn't like while we were both DJing. If either of us dedicated a song to "Mutant Number 5" the other knew that we didn't approve of their date.
But, Five years ago I didn't listen to Dolph's code.
I didn't care. I was smart, and strong, and I knew better. Josue was sweet and motivated; and although he was a bit gruff, I honestly believed he could be softened.
And for two years I tried. Tonight brought back all those painful memories of just how mistaken I was.
You see, even after having to take sick days from work so I could let black eyes heal; even after multiple visits to the Emergency Room, I swore he was just stressed out. I swore things would be different "after he finishes school" or "once things calm down at work"...
But the truly scary part was when I realized it wasn't going to change and I still couldn't leave.
My friends looked at me as though I was one of those stupid girls with low self-esteem. I hated those looks...
But I kept making excuses; "I can't leave him until my car is paid off"..."I need a better job"..."I have to make sure I'm okay before I leave"...
Sometimes, shit happens. And even the smartest of women cannot leave a horrible relationship until it's too late. I rendered my self incapable of leaving Josue for three years; during which time I suffered two broken arms, a cracked rib, a cheek-bone fracture, and at least 3 cuncussions. Still, "I wasn't stupid, I knew what I was doing and I was scheming my escape"...
People, even on this site, seem to think that domestic violence could never happen to them; or that the victims of domestic violence are stupid, antiquated idiots that have no idea about what the world should work like. I am here to tell you, there's a good chance they know.
The worst part of being on that end of a fist is not feeling how weak you could be compared to a man twice your size (at least) but feeling how stupid you are for being in a situation like that in the first place. Seeing the looks people give you and just knowing that they think you're weak, feeling sorry for yourself, or that you're stupid for not leaving. Women stuck in these situations are not always uneducated, stupid, or ignorant...
They know that the broken ribs are not normal; but they also need to feel secure that they can make it on their own. It might seem silly, I know. Why allow something as stupid or as petty as pride to go to a battered women's shelter get in the way of health and happiness - especially when there are no children involved? But it happens...
Right up until I used my knee for probably one of the best self-defense maneuvers available to women. Not that I'm proud of it; but trust me, a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to follow through with it.
So, for the first time in our tumultuous relationship, Josue is now the one in the Emergency Room. It took me nearly three years to leave him after the problems surfaced, and still, after all that, took me close to three years after leaving him to feel physically strong enough to do something before becoming the victim again.
It's amazing to me when I meet victims of domestic violence; most of them are not the stupid or ignorant people you would think of as they are portrayed on television...But what's even more amazing to me is the number of people who feel "sorry" for these victims, or look at them with a feeling of superiority - as though they know better than to ever get into the situation in the first place.
Sometimes, shit happens.
You don't know when a good situation will turn bad; and if it does turn bad, sometimes, you just can't get out. Maybe it's pride getting in the way, or maybe it is ignorance, I don't know.
But I know I can never look at another woman with a black eye and assume that she is stupid for letting it happen ever again.
I suggest that others learn the same...
What's worse is here I am, 31 years old, and out of that relationship for more than five years. I am married to a wonderful man...
And yet at his appearance tonight, I felt just as helpless as I was those many years ago.
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
I want to say something. But I realized that I probably can't because I've never been in a relationship before. Oh boy, and people sure like to assume a lot of things. Yes, stuff happen. But it takes a lot of energy for a person to walk away. If I was in your position, I'd probably do the same thing.
I had a violent friend. Actually, she is still a friend...sort of. She is quiet around other people. I tried to get to know her because I thought she was interesting. For some reason she always hit or do something else to hurt me physically whenever I tease her. At first it was funny, but when it became more frequent...I was feeling like something was wrong. I started to have scars on my skin. That put up a red flag for me. I still remember the night she smacked my ear and the side of my head at my friend's house. I left afterwards. Today we're more apart, which is a good thing. I never told any of my friends about her because everyone else knows her before I did. And I don't want people to view her differently. When I asked people around, they said she only turned violent against me! That sucked to hear.
Yeah, shit happens.
----------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.mylot.com/?ref=truelife
My mother was the same way when my father would walk into the room right after their divorce. (He abused her too) I would watch her get tounge tied and shrink down when he came around.
As time went on, I saw her get powerful. I have to admit, it wasn't overnight but it happened in it's own time. They had been together ever since they were in kindergarten! She had to learn life without him.
I don't think you are a bad person, I say you are human!
What a wonderful blog.
Thank you for speaking for the many victims of domestic violence... I was involved with the Vagina Monologues here at Clarkson a few years ago and it was an AMAZING experience. I recommend it to anyone!
Have I ever told you what a bad-ass you are? Well, you are.
Your posts have inspired me to enroll in and teach a self-defense class. Have been meaning to do that for years (so many domestic violence cases here) and didn't become passionate until now.
"Strength is not in your gender, but in your heart." Love that quote.
When I was growing up, my best friend allowed herself to be involved in a very abusive relationship. She was only 14 years old and did not even get abused at home but would allow this creep to do things to her that I could not even imagine. She lied to me about the abuse and would make up excuses because she thought I would desert her or no longer be her friend. 21 years after our friendship began, we are still BF's!!! She has he strength of an ox and nobody dares lay a hand on her. I love her more than anything and will never do anything but stand by her side through thick and thin.
I am happy to hear that you are doing better now. It is soo sad to hear stories like yours. I truly got goosebumps when i read your blog.
My parents were divorced when i turned four. I never knew any different , so it was fine. After that my mom dated this guy for ten years and he was pretty much in my life for a large portion of it, as long as i can remember at least. Well he was good to my sister and I, but little did I know what he was putting my mother through.
I had a best friend who lived across the street and i was always over to her house. One day my mom actually told me to go over there right when i walked back into the door, I told her i didn't want to. I ended back over there for some stupid reason, which was that she drove over to her boyfriends house to "talk" or in other words "work things out." She came back home and walked across the street to pick me up at about 10 pm or so and she had a bruise on the entire side of her face. Boy, was that the biggest bruise I had ever seen from "working in the garage." That was it, that was the first day I had realized my mother, my carrier, my comforter, and the most important person in my life was getting beaten. That was the worst feeling in the entire world, to see someone hurt so badly and not be able to do anything about it. She was always lonely and needed someone there by her side, so i think that is what she resided him.
About 3 years later, when he was living with us, we were bringing in groceries from the car and he bent down on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage. When i heard her answer, I thought that was the end of her life. She actually put our family through the worst time ever by marrying this guy.
About 9 months later my little brother was born.
About 3 months after that, a divorce was filed.
My mom is still coping to this day, but she was strong enough to get rid of his ass. I am proud of her for finally realizing what she was putting our family through, little lone what she was doing to herself.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe good, maybe bad, but you always get something good out of it.
Ours was a perfect child that we love with all of our beating hearts to this day and forever more. Cameron (brother) is 5 years old now and the best thing that has ever happened to any of us.