Letting Love Go

Losing love is one thing. Letting love go is another. They both have their similarities, but my instincts tell me that, while the former may be more intensely difficult, the latter involves more specific difficulties. To make the choice to let someone you love go is an agonizing process much different from just accepting loss. However, at least there's a measure of control in the decision to let go. These manifestations of love form quite the two-headed monster.

I let my foster daughter go today. Her adoption was slowed down and my husband and I are leaving soon to go back to America for the summer. We can't take her with us and had hoped that her adoptive parents would have moved much closer to coming to China to get her. She's already really attached to us. I was hoping she would make a smooth transition from us to her adoptive parents if not soon, then soon after we left. Those hopes will not be realized.

It was in her best interest for her to go back to the home for disabled children run by some of our friends. Otherwise, it would have been much harder on everyone to say goodbye in a couple weeks. We'll still go to the home to see her and the other children. She's going to be great though. She's smart and developing at a fast pace. I'm at peace about the decision and everything was fine until I turned back as my husband shut the door to the home. We had kissed, said our goodbyes and promised to return next week to play. But then, in that moment, as the door closed, she said, "Mama." We looked at each other for half a second and then the door was shut.

As I walked down the stairs, I lost it. I tried to compose myself in the street, but I sobbed in the taxi. I loved her. I still do and I'll get to see her before and after my summer vacation. My decision was the right one, but also the hardest one. I let her go so that her life wouldn't be any harder than it already is. She's an abandoned disabled child in China. It would be selfish of me to hold onto her because I want to see her and love her and continue to be her foster mom. So, I let her go today. It's not like I lost a child today, but it's certainly been one of my rougher days. The same as how I don't feel as if I lose the love of my loved ones when they die, I haven't lost my foster daughter's love by any means. She has given me so much love that there's no way that love wouldn't last an eternity.