About a week ago, a guy at my school was suspended for punching his girlfriend in the stomach and yelling at her to get up when she fell over. He hadn't realized that the college counselor had inadvertently seen the scene play out, and blamed his girlfriend for his suspension. She ran off in tears. Not because of the pain in her stomach, nor from the fact that this was not nearly the first time he had hit her, but because she didn't want him to be suspended. She testified to teachers and whomever would listen that he was not a violent person; he hadn't meant to hit her so hard; he was just joking around, even as the bruises on her back and arms have not yet faded.
Two years ago, that girl was one of the most outgoing, self confident girls I had ever met. She and I became best friends after a while, even dating for a bit, and throughout even our fights [never physical] what I always respected most about her was her independence and spirit. These days, however, she is an old lady at 17. She comes from a wealthy family, loving parents, lots of friends. There is nothing this sixteen year old boy seems to give her that she did not have before. Yet she sticks with him and sticks by him.
Earlier today I was discussing this friend with another girl I know. She stated "I know it's hard to believe that someone would stay with a boyfriend who is like that, but you think they love you and you think you love them. It took me six months of being hit, slapped, belitted, spit on, and even burnt with cigarettes by my ex-boyfriend before I broked up with him."
Each of these girls, I repeat, did not seem to have problems with family, self-confidence, money, and especially not friends. Yet they stayed with abusive boyfriends.
As for the boyfriends, they came from the same upper-middle class sector, each was popular, athletic, well-liked by his teachers. What could cause each of these boys, and so many others, to, at the ages of fifteen and sixteen, hit their girlfriends, even burn them with cigarettes. How could someone do that to someone else, someone he/she supposedly loves? Why can this cycle of violence not be stopped?
Although it may not be apparent to the outsider's eye, ther could have been many things that were going on at the time. Although it may not be apparent, maybe she was having some type of trouble with the family, or maybe the same kind of abuse was occuring within the family. As far as the boyfriend, maybe he felt that if he kept this kind of behavior going he would finally have some control in his life, simply becuase he's in the group of students that everyone likes doesnt constitute that he was the one that chose all these things....it could have been the parents, maybe he finally felt in control of his life...either way it doesnt make up for what he did, but maybe that's it. What the people need is someone to show them that they don't need to live like that.
This exactly what is NOT being taught in the homes of today. . . R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And, the most ironic thing of all is the fact that most DO come from the more 'well-to-do' families!
While what you see from the outside; 'loving' family, money, friends; does not equal lessons in respect, equality, integrity and self dignity. What it tells you, in today's society, is that; more is better. I have seen adolescent after adolescent with the mindset that they can treat anyone anyway they want to; have anything their heart desires, why? Because they have the mindset of entitlement, why? because their parents have overindulged them since birth. They have never learned the meaning of the word "no." They have not learned the concept of accountability for one's own actions.
This goes back 1-2 generations when it started to become necessary for dual income households. Parents started to become more their childs 'friend' instead of their parent. There are many factors that go into the mindset of the youth of today yet, it is of no surprise.
Let's take public schools as an example. Control of punishment in the schools as basically become non-existant. What can the schools do if a child becomes unruly? Give them a detention? At worst, suspend them? What does a parent do when their child misbehaves or hurts another student? Blames the school or someone or something other than the child themselves. They do not hold their child responsible for their own actions. Nor do they hold themselves accountable for their lack of parenting skills. We have children raising children. Even in the year 2007 with all the Health classes teaching about all the birth control methods; the kids still aren't "getting it."
As for the young ladies who put up with the young men who treat them with this lack of respect. It is quite apparent they aren't being taught the right tools at home. Does Dad respect Mom? Do brothers respect sisters? How is conflict handled in the home? Is there open dialogue as to what is appropriate behavior and what is inappropriate behavior? Do they realize their own self worth? Do they have good role models to show them all these things? And WHY, if it is such a good home, hasn't mom or dad SEEN these bruises that have yet faded?
As a mother of 3 daughters, any male that comes into my home doesn't get the third degree, he gets the 4th, 5th and 6th. It is a verbalized rule. . . HANDS OFF! If this rule is EVER broken, they won't have to worry about the law coming after them, it is me they need to worry about. This goes for verbal abuse as well.
A short story (example): A young man one time called my home. He used profanity on the phone when he thought I had hung up. I made him aware I was still on the line and that I did not appreciate it. He wanted to come over. I told him I would be meeting him at the front door. He came and was met with a bar of soap. He did not get past the front door until that bar of soap sat in his mouth for 3 minutes. As he stood there. . . sucking on that bar of soap, I explained my philosophy; we do not allowed profanity towards our daughters; be it in person or over our telephone lines, understood? Strict? You bet!
If any young man can withstand the rigors of our parenting and still chooses to come back, then he probably has been taught something worthwhile at home. As for my daughters, they have been taught that they are worth far more than having to put up with anything that degrades, humiliates, or demeans them in any fashion. They have a support system at home that they can always come back to.
It all boils down to respect. Not only for others but for yourself as well.
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"Truths Are The Roots To Trust"
You cant help who you love....or think you love. And as unfortunate as it is, lots of people tend to fall for partners that are abusive (in some way.
If a girl is dating an abusive male who she swears is 'just playing around', no one can convince her otherwise. When she loves herself more than him, then maybe she will be able free him from her life...