April 13, 1997 1:52 am
Howard Jones said in his song "things can only get better" and they are starting to, slowly but they are starting. Today I got depressed again at the hospital where I work. It was not as bad as the last, but I was still in tears. What I realize is now more then ever I need my close friends. There will be no one closer then Bill. Now is the time for him to give me strength. I was there when he fell out with his wife and he will be there for me until I can finally be over Val.
For years I wanted to fall in love. I did and it did not work out. So now I must deal with the heartache that follows. It wouldn't be so bad if I broke up with her. I would at least have some reason to justify my actions, but she ended it and now I have this feeling of wonder because there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened. Also if I had broke up with her I probably would not still lover her.
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When you lose someone you love, there is always the heartache. The first love is always the hardest. Hell! The fist of anything is always the hardest, after that, things get easier. I did fall in love after a few years. She was silly and childlike also. The same thing that I saw in Val I saw in her. We dated and then she moved away. Every I knew said "let her go" and "she is not coming back". I being my stubborn self waited, telling myself "she will come back". I still waited, telling everyone "she will come back". Then to top all that I did something really stupid, I waited. Telling anyone "she will come back".
Guess what? She came back!
Guess what? She stayed a week and then left again.
This time I knew "she will not come back." The bad thing is I still love her also, and there had been thoughts about giving her another chance. I just can not get the picture of her driving away from me. Once again I was heartbroken. Weather you or the other person ended it, if your loved them it still hurts. There is still the empty void in your stomach. You are still left with the feeling of wonder and unanswered question. Maybe we will never get the answers or the closure that is needed. All anybody can do is deal with it as best as the can. We find our answers were we can. Sometimes all you need is to write about it.
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