This blog is for me
i guess you can comment
i wrote whats on my mind
and i havent for sometime. So i decided to take a look into my mind.
So life.
So much has changed since last ive blogged
since last ive talked whats on my mind
I feel like im disconnected from it.
but at the same time I know whats going on
without it affect my emotions.
because in teh past it really did.
and I got the point where i wanted to die
everyday
of every minute
but things are different now
i have found someone again
yes my first person i liked was cool, and i was glad it happned
but at the same time im sad, because she wasnt....yea....
this new person is much different
shes perfection.
she made me feel again
she made me love again
i cut those things off after the 1st relationship
i just partied
went to school
worked
did whatever was tehre
just because i was bored
bceause i wanted to
ive tried new things
and im glad i did. some open up your mind
but yea. i cant get to deep into those...
i read a amazing book today
or finished it.
it relates to me so much
and what probably would have happen if things were different
i have changed so much in the last 6 months
imagine 4 years.
if i didnt hang out with those people
if i didnt have friends
if i was like normal people and wasnt shy
if i could have been cool
but what is cool.
ah nevermind. too long to explain
things are just different now
i dont want to die anymore
at all.
i fear death. i sometimes say it
that im afraid to die
but i actually fear it.
i do not want to die. whatsoever.
and if i am to die, i will not allow it to.
i have so much to live for now
things are....good.
for once in my life
im happy.
yes, im wierd
sure people look at me differently
but somehow everyone seems to know me and enjoy my company
i guess im a friendly person
like the talk i had with jimmy, i can change my personality
i can adapt to anything
anyone
but then again, what is me?
who is kenji?
if i can adapt then who is the real kenji
below everyhting, all the personalities
i cant tell u myself.
what you see is a combination of everything from everyone
i kenji
is you
everyhting you want me to be
nice, cool, shy, funny
im as nice as u want me to be
im as cool as u want me to be
you have created me.
but at the same time...what am I
who am i
i remember the old times. i was the lone wolf
no friends at parks, schools
yet when i got tehre...i was a leader
i became the leader. i told people waht to do
but what happens...look were im at
i like to be told what to do
but i like to tell people what to do
....wierd. haha
my brain fights constantly.
every decision.
but lately....it was in harmony
its not fightin anymore
i dont know what that means tho...
have i found a middle ground?
or is everything coming to an end..
eh rather not think about it.
but why does it seem like that
july was the best month of my life
you have no idea.
so many things have happned.
but it seems to get better and better
but at the same time...am i losing control
is my reality becoming distorted.
i say im becoming more social
and i think i am
but at times...i wish to be alone again. away from everyone
like the late night drives. i miss those so much
i sang my fucking heart out
till i couldnt sing anymore
and tears were in my eyes
and when it was freezing outsiede
and i rolled the windows to see how long i could stand it
and i got fucking cold.
just to see how long i could
just to see if im alive
just to live anotehr day
just to make sure im still sane.
and now...i need one again.
things are so different.
im not depressed about lonliness anymore
its so nice.
back to the book
its like the kid is special
no one likes him...or a few people do
and hes so smart
i feel like that so much
but its like
not many people get me
at all.
idk if anyone does.
i love weird people
i love them.
its because i guess i connect with them.
if they were sad id come to them
id help them
id be theyre friend.
i guess either cuz im one of them or something
its funny when u see people laugh at those people
cuz ur like....why the fuck are u lauging.
yes it might have been funny in the past
sure i might have laughed
but something opened my eyes
i guess last year
when ur depressed and u think your the lowest human being on earth, that you could die an no one could care
that makes u think
that song name maricela told me about
the only way i could get your attention was to kill myself
or something like that
seems so true
but that was long ago....not really
i still think about it
what if i were to die today
who would i affect
who would go to my funeral
who would care
who would think about me
i guess i just want to feel wanted..
but i think i am by my friends
i know i am
then why do i think the opposite?
why do i think everyone hates me
secretly. and just not telling me
i guess i have to put myself down
i have to do shit to me
because so far in life, nothing too bad has happened.
but then again...nothing to good has happend.
like i said, this is a good time. and its so rare.
im waiting for something to bring it crashing down
but...nothing has happen so far
last 2 weeks scared the fuck out of me tho
like my world changed
then LHC....
then fucking donnie darko
then fucking whip its
then fucking all this dejavu im getting
seems like its ending soon....but hopefully not
fuck
i cant even sleep
im listening to my favortie song
this song gives me chills to listen to it
i get the bad memories
but i get stronger for living through them
because i can remember so much. everyday. driving. so sad.
and the lyrics hit me so hard.
its me. its my life.
the sound of it.
everything.
its my song: Blow up the outside world
if i do die by the way, i want this song to be played as well as say hello 2 heaven and tighter and tighter.
listen to them and ull inderstand
anyway
back to things
every mistake i mean hits me hard
every things i do dumb i remmeber
like when i tripped on a chair in class
then people kinda laughed
then when i sing in rockband
people make fun of me
which is kinda why i dont sing anymore..
i dont like to sing anymore
to people at least
even to me i hate it
i dont sing nearly as much as i use to
and it was one thing i always use to do with enthusiasm
but not anymore.
i just remember all the things peopel laugh at me for
its weird, i want attention
but at the same time I HATE IT
i hate when peoepl look at me
and when my name is called in class
yet i just want attention. lol
im weird..
you know
high expectations suck
people expect so much from u
and i guess its good
but
when u fail...people bash you so much
and for me...i rarely make mistakes, and fail
but when i do
it hurts..
a lot.
i feel dumb nowdays
but maybe its because i dont think anymore
i use to
but after a while
peopel stop giving a fuck
and i hate that
cuz thats all i had
people dont care about my stories
this is why im only making this private.
i dont care what u think about this
i just want to know that u care
that u read even a little
that u know whats going on with my brain as of right now.
im lost
i feel like im losing my friends
but im not
i just havent seen them in a while
sigh
work and school.
girlfriend
friends
parties
drugs
alcohol
fun
all part of life
so fun
yet so tiring. maybe its why im tired all day
so many decisons
do one and the other suffers
but whatever
so far its worked out.
i want to read peoples mind
what do they really think of me
what do they see when they first meet me
do i strike u as someone who does drugs
or fixes computers
or parties
or was depressed 6 months ago
or hates himself
speaking of that
i hate myself...but i dont
i cant.
in order for me to have loved i had to love myself first
and...i guess i do
but at the same time..do i?
am i lying to myself?
i dont know reality and fiction anymore
i dont know wahts the truth
or what is a lie
but thats the front of me
in the back of my head its a raging storm.
always has been
god im rambling.
but its ok i guess not many people will read this if any.
im starting school soon. fall semester at least
GOD DAMNIT
i wish i could be myslef sometimes
but sometimes...i forget who i am...
its when i go to the old places
like the park.
my old house
my old schools
there is when u see me
because i can let kenji back out
he remembers it all
god what am i
i love me
but i hate me
who am i impressing
who am i deceiving.
myself.
becasue in order for me to be happy i must lie, i must be something im not
yet at the same time i HATE it.
but i need to to be happy....
weird right?
i need to go to the park again
to lay.
and think.
u know how i always leave when i go anywhere?
i think.
i wonder.
how long will it take people to notice im gone.
and they notice.
fuck
i love my friends. so fucking much
i swear. why the fuck would they want someone like me
im so fucked up.
sorry for the cussing.
i only do it when it needs to be.
sigh.
2:18.
40 minutes of nonstop writing.
still only a little tired.
i need to drive soon
i need to visit the park
i need to find myself again
but at the same time
maybe its better i didnt.
because i dont know
maybe this is me
im just confused.
lol
so i figured i just wrote 1800+ words
damn.
and ive only talked about this.
so much more i could talk about
i have no one to talk to
no one
i cant explain anything
no one will talk anymore
i want to have a deep conversation
i want to explain myself
how i see everything.
but...i still cant find anyone
but oh well
this is why i do this haha
im lost
only when im like this tho
alone
thinking
music
tired
late
thats when i can see everything clear.
god i keep thinking about the times i failed.
oh well
so i shoudl sleep soon
im feeling content.
which is good
k.
bye.
