When did eating disorders start for me? I don’t think I can say they just came about suddenly. In fact, I think it was more of a development that was initially installed in my mind from an early age. I grew up in a very competitive family. As a child I proved myself as a great student and athlete to my teachers, friends, and family. This strive for excellence turned into an addiction of over commitment of extra-circulars in order to maintain my status. I did soccer, golf, DECA, National Honor Society, 4-H, Student Council, volunteering, working 20 hours a week… on top of getting a 4.07 GPA. You name it, I did it. But, the pressure soon built up and I was reaching for control that was out of grasp. So what do I control? My eating. The easiest thing for me to control, because I made every decision of what was going in and what wasn’t. My eating turned into a strict diet. One that was complimented by heavy, almost obsessive exercise. I did not see any problem with running on the treadmill every chance I got, including Christmas day while everyone was opening gifts. I was addicted. My food control lead into slight anorexia. I fed off the ability to keep myself from eating. It gave me a power. A power to see results and changes in my body frame and a power of proving to myself I had self-discipline. My eating issues were very public at my high school, but most of the time people praised me for how great I looked. This gratification soon became an addiction for me as well. I loved getting the attention and all the added friends. But, the eating disorder soon took control of me, rather than me being in control of it. My mom was worried about me and thought I was losing the weight due to stress. My pediatrician recommended counseling and I began weekly sessions. I started eating regularly again and exercising a healthy amount. But, of course my weight went up. This stressed me out even more and sent me into phases of deep depression. I battled that depression for over a year until my wisdom teeth surgery. I had a lot of complications with the surgery causing me to not be able to eat solid food for about 10 days. I dropped weight very quickly and instantly felt better about myself. But, I knew I shouldn’t not eat. I knew that was bad for my body and I also knew I physically could not, not eat. So, what does a recovering anorexic do? Turn to bulimia. Now, I wouldn’t necessarily call it bulimia. What I would do is chew my food and spit it out. It is never digested, but it gave my body the satisfaction of taste and the feeling of being full by chewing. And it made me feel all right about it because it wasn’t purging necessarily. It allowed me to chew and spit anything I wanted and never have to worry about calories or fat because it never got inside my body. But, after a while I started to do this so often that I occasionally did shallow the food as a punishment to myself. This led to a much bigger problem of binge eating. I couldn’t help but eat all this food. I would fantasize about getting out of work, school, etc. just to go binge eat. The emotional eating was a high for me while I was doing it, but it was a low the moment I stopped. I did this for a very long time and it caused me to hate myself. The weight gain, people’s reaction, the guilt… it was all a negative result from the binge. Now, I am slowly trying to recover from all this. I am in a great women’s group on eating disorders and self-worth at my college. And I am trying to get my figure back, but it is so difficult to do it the healthy way. I am gaining control slowly, but surely. I know I can beat this; it is just a matter of when? Or maybe you don’t beat these things, but you learn from them and you learn to take care of yourself. This is my story. I have never written it out. I rarely even say it out loud. This is my darkest. This is my deepest. This is my insecurity.
My story of eating disorders.
By ccollier06 - Posted on November 22nd, 2006
I commend you on your success and determination to regain HEALTHY control over your eating habits! It is not easy. It's often hard, long and lonely as it was with me.
First I will tell you that I am a trauma surgeon, hopefully this shows you that this can ahppen to anyone. I have battling this for a L O N G time but it can happen to anyone. Most people think that eating disorders are just ANOREXIA and BULIMIA. This is actually untrue, there are two other types: Binge Eating Disorder and Night Eating Syndrome.
Binge Eating Syndrome is very similar to Bulimia in that the person goes on an eating binge, except they don't purge afterwards. This type of eating disorder leads to obesity. Night Eating Syndrome is when people consume most of their food in the evening and overnight hours, when they are not active, therefore the calories do not get burnt off and this also leads to obesity.
Most people wouldn't link eating disorders with obesity would they?
Well I suffer from both binge eating and night eating. It started when I was in high school and has just gotten worse over the years since. I have tried and tried to kick this on my own, topping out at 386lbs. It's affected all areas of my life. I am getting ready to, at the beginning of the year, take a sabatacle from my job (a temporary break) to go to a program that specializes in what I am dealing with. They actually have the capacity to handle patients weighing up to 1000lbs!!! Most of the patients in this program are over 500lbs but that does not mean my problems aren't less important. It has begun to effect my health in a big way with diabetes, high blood pressure and a whole host of other problems.
Again, I commend you for the progress you've made and for coming on here and sharing your story.
You're incredible. As for your comment about "mild anorexia"... anorexia is /never/ mild. It's always dark, horrible, and frightening. It's always consuming, panicking, and lonely. You were able to overcome it - and I cannot stress enough how much I admire you for it. You're an inspiration.