Nov. 23 1996 11:32 pm
Ever since Oct. 4 and Val broke up with me I have been having different emotional states. Anything from confusion, anger,depression and some minor joy. It is driving me nuts and the job I am at is not helping me one bit. I can not be my true self because the idiots I work with would just make stupid comments. I don't fit in with them. They are into cars, hunting, and beer, I am not.
It really sucks that I am so closed in. It seems all my friend are just appearances. Not really close just when I am there. This all sound s like bull shit, and it is.
Take for instance D the secretary / receptionist, actually her name is Denise. The other day she walked in and told me about some guy she met at the post office and wished he would ask her out. What I want to know is why she told me? Then I was working late until 5 pm when she got off work. When we went out to the cars she got in and gave me a weird look. Does she want me to ask her out. I want to but I never can get the courage to or it is never the right time. The whole dating scene is insane.
I swear that job is killing my soul. The people in the shop would not understand my true self, so I don't let it out. I have got to get a different job, go back to school and get on with my life. Sometimes it is just hard to do.
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Too me it seems like I am the one people talk about there relationships they have or do not have with other people. On one hand that is a good thing. People trust me enough to talk to me, and on the other hand when I am feeling crappy about my lack of relationships the last thing I want to hear is someone talk about there problems. As much as I do not
want to here it I still listen. Damn this nice guy curse!
Needless to say I was pretty screwed up emotionally. I face a situation that I could not deal with, more like did not know how to deal with. What I wrote was true. Sadness' and depression was at the forefront of my state of mind, and I was not going to let anyone see me in that state. So I kept it in. My mind was a jumble of question with no answers to be
found. What could I do?
I did what anyone would have done. Nothing! I went to work and went home. I did not have much contact with people. There was no one that I want to be around. When Bill did get some leave to come visit we did hang out but for the most part I stayed enclosed.
Thinking back now I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Now if that situation ever comes up( feeling down about another broken heart, it has) I know I will not have to face it alone. I have old friends that came back into my life, as new one that in my opinion are better the the ones I lost. I know I will never be alone again.
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