I spent almost two years that I barely remember popping pain pills for recreational purposes. I knew it was bad for me, but I was at a place where I really didn't care. The numbness under the pills seemed a hell of a lot better than my reality. I'm not going to make excuses. I was addicted to pain pills because I wanted to be. Then one morning, I woke up, looked at the bottle of Vicodin and decided I was done. I do still take pain pills, but now it really is for their intended purpose.
Addiction runs strong in my mom's family. My first stepdad- the on that raised me- is a recovering alcoholic. I've seen addiction my whole life. I never expected to marry an addict.
I knew Sean was an alcoholic soon after we started hanging out a few years ago. It wasn't surprising. Most of the people I know are problem drinkers on some point of the spectrum. Realistically, I have about 5 friends that are outside my home bar. That is not to say I only see them at the bar, just that I've either met them or hung out with them there. It's a potentially unhealthy situation I suppose, especially when you're friends with the owners and most of the bartenders. Anyway, I'm not a problem drinker by any assessment I can find. If I drink and plan to drive later, it's one an hour plus an extra hour to drink more diet coke.
Back to Sean... He's in a band that could probably be best described as cow punk. He wrote most of the songs they play and covered a few, but all have a mention of whiskey. One is called "Old #7 Waltz." Can you guess his drink of choice? That song is actually about waking up in some chick's bed after a fighting blackout drunk night. Two of his songs refer to how drinking ruined a portion of his life. Of course, he doesn't listen to his own or anyone else's advice.
I don't want to leave. I'm happy- most of the time. We do have a good relationship. The worst that's happened when he was drunk was him having a hissy fit at a really great show. I wouldn't tolerate any abuse. I got enough of that from my brothers as a kid. Watching Sean slowly kill himself with a bottle (a week, at least) feels like torture. Watching him stagger to the bike he decided he's sober enough to ride home is torture. Listening to him ramble off to tell me the story he told me the night before is torture. Having to repeat myself a dozen time about everything because he's drank away his memory is torture.
If I bring up the fact that he drinks too much, he gets defensive. All of a sudden, I'm judging him. Or it'll turn into, "I've seen you drink too much and drive!" Or "You knew who I was when you got with me!" Yeah, he's right on those two.
So why now? Why now am I airing my dirty laundry? Well, for me, it's more like, why haven't I sooner? It's different right now. Sean lost 20 pounds in the past 2 months because he went back to work. He's working at a foundry now, so there's a lot of physical activity, as opposed to the 5 months he was looking for a job and spent his days watching Springer. Anyway, he's been drinking more even though he's been getting more of a buzz. I asked him why he's been drinking so much lately: "I don't know."
Then there's the money. We have very little, probably $80 until Monday, except for a bit from my student loan I'm saving in case I don't get any scholarships for next semester. Sean's forgotten about that. Alcohol is expensive. We can't afford him to be getting drunk every night.
As far as the money situation goes, I hold on to all of it, but he is the one that works. I can't just tell him he can't have any money... can I?
sonja, your relationship may not be overtly abusive, but the stressors you described are abusive, even if they are unintentional. You live much of your life expecting your husband to kill himself, repeating everything you say to him, worrying over money, and living without a FULL partner. He's only half there. By drinking so much, he is denying you access to what he promised you when you got married.
The two of you need to get into therapy together. And you know what the therapist is going to tell him...quit drinking. I don't think you have to leave him if he is willing to work on it with you. If he isn't willing to work on it, though, you have to ask yourself why you are staying.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Rest in peace
yourfuneralguy
http://www.lowercostfuneral.com/rbrianblog
arrange an intervention with friends..do the therapy...but please i have been there research a little on codependency.
this is all quite important to you and him
all the best to you.
I second that suggestion. Codependency and addiction go hand in hand.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I am well aware of the term. I don't think I fit the profile though. I don't put my needs on the back burner. I take care of me first. I'm always honest and outspoken, no matter what, although my timing is usually off. I definitely don't have low self esteem. I'm a happy person. I guess this is more of an issue of not wanting to be a hypocrite- I don't let anyone tell me what to or not to do, and I don't think I should. I think I have just let it get out of hand, especially the past couple of weeks.
I don't see an intervention. Almost anytime his family gets together, it's in a bar and pretty much always has been. Most of his friends are alcoholics, and the rest don't really think twice about his drinking habits.
Any one-on-one pointers?
-Sonja :)
"Democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive."
Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. I expect that kind of thing from a lot of my friends, as I said, most of them have alcohol problems as well.
I guess I let it go sometimes because I don't want to play the mom role in the relationship. I've been that before. I'm over it.
I do deserve a full partner, and usually I get that. It's been the last couple of weeks that it's gone so far overboard. I've mentioned that, but I probably should do it before he starts drinking.
Surprisingly, he has calmed down since we've been together. It really does need to calm down more. I don't know if I am ready to step into counseling right away for a few reasons. Mainly, we don't have time. He just started a job and can't take off work. Then there's the cost. I have insurance, but he doesn't. I don't know how therapy charges work. Maybe it's naivete, but I would like to think that we could have a sober one-on-one and figure some things out. I wrote this blog mainly so I could figure the stuff out, and hopefully have an outlet for anyone else that might be dealing with a similar issue.
-Sonja :)
"Democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive."
Sonja,
My grandfather was an alcoholic, so I am familiar with your plight. He unfortunately never got away from the drinking culture of his friends, never recovered and died very alone.
Please, for yourself and your husband, get professional help. Don't watch him deteriorate daily and don't think that you have to deal with this alone.
Educate yourself, thereby protecting yourself and your future:
http://allpsych.com/journal/alcoholism.html
Most important, go to an Al-Anon meeting. They can give you more specific advice on working with your husband to help resolve his drinking (and the problems behind it).
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
I wish you the best of luck.
I have thought about al-anon. I don't know why I haven't checked a meeting out. I think it's time. It actually is affecting my life right now. I need to find a way to help him help himself.
-Sonja :)
"Democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive."
You are very welcome. I am confident you will be able to help yourself and your husband and life together will become much more pleasant. : )
Everything is worth trying ,but I would recommend you have a one-on- one talk with him,My uncle went for therapy and after spending alot of money he never changed untill his wife came back and made some sense to him and if his buddies are drunkards like him I don't think it will help much unless there is one who quited drinking, if you know one ,he might be of help.
Good luck.
*shiko*
Of course he needs to go to therapy. You have to help him by not giving him money. You have to stop feeding his addiction by buying more alcohol. Yes you married into it, but that does not mean it has to be like that forever.Of course he doesn't want to talk about it because he knows he is wrong. Now you can not force him to get help, he must get help on his own. Good luck.
My step father is also an alcoholic. He got help and was sober before he met my mother but during the past 6 years has been relapsing quite often. My mother tried everything in her power to get him to stop and offered her support and love but nothing ever seemed to help.
They are now seperated and remain on good terms but it's hard to watch somebody kill themselves in front of you and not be able to do anything. I'm only 17 but when reading your blog I could see everything my step dad would do in your husband. The denial, the anger, and the blame. There is really only so much you can do until the person has to want to help themselves.
Therapy or rehab (I don't know if it's gotten to the rehab stage yet) is always a good idea but if he isn't willing to help himself it won't work. I really do wish the best for you and your husband because I know the effects of alcoholism and have been living around them for the past 11 years of my life.
___________________________________________________________________
"Most intellects do not believe in God, but they fear us just the same." - Erykah Badu
My mom married my first stepdad when I was 4. He got laid off a couple of years later, and started drinking heavily. A couple of years after that, he moved two states away to a job and to clean up. We moved in a year later. He would go back and forth, decide he couldn't handle beer, but later decide wine was ok, but he was worse with that.
Long story short, my mom tolerated it for a while, but when we got older- I had already moved out- she finally ended it. He completely quit drinking for years when my mom kicked him out, but an old friend came through town, he had a beer, and he was back off the wagon. That lasted about a month, and he realizes now that he can't stop at one, or one night- it's all or nothing for him.
-Sonja :)
"Democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive."
We innocents are called enablers.
Alcoholism is a hard thing and AA has heped my mom deal with some things having been married to my alcoholic father for as long as she was.
We never had a chance to fix it or talk about his problems without fighting because his lifestyle killed him by heart attack before he was fifty.
Our veiws tend to be byproducts of those around us
~T
http://progressiveu.org/224505-bitter-friend-sweet-enemy
All truths are easy to understand once discovered; The point is to discover them ~Galileo
It is hard to talk to an alcoholic. They cannot listen to reason and do not see anything wrong with what they are doing. Therapy won't help him unless he has hit his bottom. No one can force him to stop drinking. Withholding money from him won't do any good. Alcoholics always find a way to drink. But if he asks for money don't give it to him. I was told to separate from my alcoholic husband. But that is a personal choice. ~angi~