A Moment of Weakness

I generally consider myself a good judge of character. But then, the only way I've become a good judge of character is by being wrong. A lot. The following is a particularly panging time I was wrong.

There's a girl at my school in my 6th period drawing class. I'll give her a placeholder name, like... Abacus. 'Cause abacuses are awesome. Anyway.

She's a real friendly type--extremely friendly. After a couple weeks in, she threatened to call me at 1 AM when she couldn't sleep. And then she got my phone number from my friend, and we texted back and forth a bit. I had a small suspicion she might like me, because she was extremely open and friendly. Now, I already have a girlfriend--so that made me a bit uncomfortable, in a way. She wasn't exactly forward, or anything, aside from the fact that she was grabbing my phone number, pretty fast.

Now, this might seem unusual--or it might not! I don't know what the norm is. About two days later, I just flat out asked her in text if she liked me, saying that I had a girlfriend, if she did. And if not... erk. And she said that she had a boyfriend. Hallelujah! I'm safe.

But this forced me to also critically re-evaluate people. Or just her. I've never met someone who was that friendly or open. Maybe it's just the people I hang out with. Either way, I'm not used to it (I hang around friends who oft shy away from touching one another), which is why I became suspicious that she might like me--but when she said no, my train of thought went like this:

Oh, whew. Wait, if she doesn't like me, then why is she so friendly? I didn't know people COULD be that friendly by nature. What's wrong with people?

So, my being wrong wasn't necessarily my moment of weakness. My moment of weakness was when I actually worried that she might thing bad of me because I asked her that question--perhaps thinking I was egotistical, or something like that. In fact, realistically, she probably just brushed it aside anyway. Or maybe not. I don't know.

But the thing is, I realized, after worrying about it so much--that as much as I preach happiness, non-attachment, no worries, Zen-ish sort of stuff--I am still incredibly attached. I worry what people think about me. Still. Even though I claim to be a solitary person who needs nobody, it's just not true. I knew from the start that I loved my girlfriend, and she was my only weakness. Or so I thought.

As it turns out, I still have many weaknesses. Many, many, many weaknesses. Most of these weaknesses are people. People's opinions, for some reason. Especially, the opinions of people I'm fond of, but I don't know what they could be thinking about me--that uncertainty drives me mad. Can't I just be? Why does it matter?

That's my moment of weakness... here's to hoping I can fix it.

Addendum: Perhaps it is that my life is so dull that even the smallest of ordeals fascinates, terrifies, and awes me all at the same time?

Share this post on:

 •    •    •    •    •