"I'm not homophobic"...said my mother as we watched an episode of Will and Grace. Jack had twirled like a ballerina and my mother made some kind of remark about him being a "fag"...
"It's just not right...and you know gays dont have real relationships. All they do is have sex. It's all just a load of perversion"
"I dont believe that", was my delayed response. Referring to myself i said " i have plenty of friends that are gay in deeply committed relationships, what you're saying doesnt even make sense"
"You dont know how many partners theyve had. You dont know what kind of orgies and threesomes theyve been involved in"
Thinking...what the fuck (im sorry...but im trying to be as realistic as the situation was), but not revealing my disgust in such an ignorant, stereotyped statement " is that what you really think gays and bis do? Sex all day? With whoever?" Just Because".
I dont remember too much else about the conversation, except asking my mother what she would do if i were gay. She told me that she would love me becase i am her daughter. Since then the door to the closet that has entrapped me since i was about 16 has opened just slightly -not because of what she said...because im finding a hard time believing it (not that she wouldnt love me...but that it would be that simple)-but enough for her to peek in just a bit and realize that if she had been paying attention, it wasnt a hypothetical scenario that was being presented to her. Now i've become comfortable with the fact, and become a little more loose is hiding it from her. My progression seems to be accompanied by more and more "im not homophobic" conversations...its almost like a weekly discussion and i cant help to think that my mom already knows. But when she talks, she makes me want to keep myself a secret, because she obviously does not accept it...
And i dont understand how she can think such things...where is she getting her information? And the thing is - so many people have the same thoughts.
This is just part 1.
I admit that I have never been in your shoes, but I can tell you one thing from my own life.
Be honest.
Don't be brutal, but it is important to be open about these things. By hiding it, it's almost like validating what she's saying, like you feel ashamed to be homosexual. It WILL be difficult to reconcile this with your mother. It may take years, even. But the fact of the matter is that she really isn't homophobic. She isn't hateful, bitter, or angry. Chances are, she just doesn't understand. It is perfectly human to respond to the unknown with fear, apprehension, or even disgust.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. Just make absolutely sure you know who you are before you try to tell her.
(Sorry for rambling a bit. :P)
No you werent rambling, i am always open to ideas and suggestions. But..its really hard for me to not approach the situation with this kind of mentality. I was raised in a church so all of my life it was like a stamp to my brain everyday - " queers are wrong"...but in a less blunt statement. I've grown up hearing that no one is born this way, there is no justification, and ..basically its evil. Now i cant help but have a sense of shame in my lifestyle...im trying to shy from it but..i dunno its just really difficult. The thing is...with anyone else i dont care much of what they think, but with my mom its like she has to approve...
And she wont. So its like...when im 40 and shes near 70 she wont know... i'll just be some lonely traveler with no kids or a husband and shell be in denial and we'll always have an awkward sense of knowledge about what the other knows.
"Prefiero morir parada que vivir la vida en mis rodillas"
I was raised in a "queers are wrong" family, too. It was awful to know that I was someone they would hate. When my brother died, the thing that bothered me most was that he died without knowing who I really am. He would have been on my side. I would have had an ally in the family, but I was too scared to tell anyone. So, after his death, and after A LOT of therapy, I came out to my parents. My mom has become one of my most vocal defenders. My dad, on the other hand, has disowned me. They're still married, which is a whole heap of crazy, in my mind...but that's another story. I'm sure you're reading this and thinking, "Why on earth would I come out, then, if that is how it will turn out?"
Really, coming out was the best thing I ever did for myself. Not knowing definitively whether people will accept or reject you causes so much anxiety! I am much happier knowing for certain that my dad wants nothing to do with me, because I can get on with my life without him, and can surround myself with a chosen family of safe, supportive people who love me for who I am.
But I really recommend getting yourself inot some therapy first. Not with a therapist who will try to fix the gay, but with one who will help you sort out your feelings about your mom, come up with a plan for telling her, and then help you deal with the aftermath.
Good luck! It's such a long hard process. Sorry this was so long, but I found that other people's coming out stories helped me a lot, so I thought I'd offer you mine. It's nice to know you aren't alone, you know?
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Haha...i've already disowned my father, so i guess i dont have to worry much about that concept, but if i hadnt, i dont think i would care what he thinks. I could tell him in a heartbeat. But i think its really sad how your father disowned you. I know you said that your family was against homosexuality, but what was their concept? Was it because of religious reasons or just because they found it to be unnatural? How long ago did all of this happen? Because i was wondering how long its been since you two have spoken.
"Prefiero morir parada que vivir la vida en mis rodillas"
I've been out about ten years, but only eight years to my family. My dad is super religious. The Jesus didn't keep him from calling me really disgusting names, though. I was prepared for that sort of reaction from him. My mom has a more reasonable outlook on religion. She's super supportive and loves my partner.
So it had been eight years with very little communication between me and my dad (other than family funerals), but this Christmas, he allowed me to come home to help my mom after spinal surgery. The only reason he allowed it is that he didn't want to be responsible for taking care of her. He wouldn't take the time off work, but he didn't care if I lost wages. So I had to deal with him for TWO WEEKS! He pretty much avoided me the whole time, and tried to give me a lecture as I was getting in my car to drive back to my home. I shot each of his arguments down quickly, and that was the last contact we've had. I expect it'll be another eight years before we have to talk again.
Everyone he knows, even the good Lutherans around him, think he is wasting his chance to have a relationship with me. I mean, he already lost one kid in a car accident. Who is going to take care of him when he's old? Fear of difference ruins people's lives, but most often it ruins the life of the person who is afraid, not the person they fear.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I was told that hate always consumes the person that feels it...but the person they are feeling it for may know nothing about it.
Thats another thing i think about... This is how i see the future if i tell my mom.
She'll cry and just walk away (also we live in the same home). We wont speak until i leave for school (in august). She'll call me around thanksgiving to come home but when i do nothing will be said and she'll act like i never said anything... Then maybe after a year or so...she'll ask me how and why and guess what girls were coming over that i was actually involved with and which ones were just friends. She'll make me feel ashamed...
When i find someone, i wont bring her around because of my mother....because i will still feel that shame and any sort of affection shown between us will only lead to her looks of overwhelming disgust.
I dunno...maybe thats just a pessimistic way to look at it, i think it would be better if my mom just found out accidently. I've had a few close calls. And to be honest i think she already know and acts like she doesnt. Think about it..ive been called gay before i even had homo thoughts... How come everyone else can see it but she cant?
Anyway i love your input and i never think that any of you guys can type too much...you learn from others and thats what we're all here for right?
"Prefiero morir parada que vivir la vida en mis rodillas"
I felt that way for long time too. I didn't come out until I was 24.
That's why I recommend the therapist. You'll eventually come to the point where you don't feel ashamed of who you are and the person you are with. You'll learn that your mom's feelings are her problem, and your feelings are your problem.
My GLBT lit professor (who is the person I admire most in the world) told me once that you can't control how other people feel, so if you are in the closet to protect someone else's feelings, you're really hurting everyone because you are denying that person the chance to have an honest relationship with you, for better or worse, and you are denying yourself the opportunity to have an honest, integritous life. She further said that if you are in the closet to protect yourself, because you are unprepared to deal with the ramifications of coming out, then that's okay. She is a pretty wise woman, and I have to say, she was right. I was trying to keep my parents form being mad at me, but I couldn't and lying to them was worse.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
That is a great piece of advice for me. I'm always thinking about how someone else may feel in reaction to me revealing something about myself... be it my sexuality or everyday issues in a general relationship. I'll keep that in mind.
"Prefiero morir parada que vivir la vida en mis rodillas"
Check out Progressive PRIDE, a Gay-Straight Alliance for the Progressive U community.
Parents are difficult to understand. I just put up a post about my ordeal with my parents in terms of their acceptance of other cultures. I understand that the circumstances in which they grew up differed greatly from what our generation is experiencing, but I wish that people, especially parents understood all the facts before passing judgment. They should get to know someone of a different sexual orientation, or of a different religion, or of a different culture, before passing judgment about them.
Great post! Good luck with your parents.
Did you read my response to that?"Prefiero morir parada que vivir la vida en mis rodillas"