I have stuggled throughout my life to make things make sense. There are many parts of my past that I've hid from myself because I just don't want to remember, but as I lay staring at the ceiling at night in sleepless wonder, I start to put things back together.
My little sister reminded me of our love. We have always been there for each other with complete understanding of situations. She and I would both have different reactions to the same things that happened to us, but we always understood. My little sister would always hurt deeply, but never show it to anyone but me. I couldn't feel a single thing, so she did it all for me.
My little sister would do all the work in the emotional department for us, while I did all the scheming and thinking. I was 'too logic', she said. I always say everything, every angle, every side to everything. So, my job in the relationship was to try to keep us out of situations that would bring my little sister any anguish.
I could not, of course, protect her from everything. I'm sorry for that, Little Sister. There are parts of life that no one should ever be witness to, or victim of. There were many times I acted up just to get in trouble instead of the weight bearing down on her. Oh, the belt hurt, sure, but nothing like my sister's pain to me. They would blame her for things she didn't do, but she was the easy target. The girl with dyed hair, painted nails and bad grades was their target for not being normal. Not the girl that got perfect grades, never reacted, and worked hard. Not me, but they always tried to blame her. So, I took it from her.
This hurt my little sister more. She knew I would not cry, not scream, not fight them. I would take the beating for her, knowing that she wasn't to blame for their mistakes. The bruises to a while to heal, but Little Sister never left my side through it. She always scolded me too. "Why did you do it again? Why do you always take the blame when you didn't do anything?"
My response is this, Little Sister, "I'm the one that should protect you from the evils of this world when they won't. You are five years younger than me. I love you enough to do it."
Countless nights we would stay up late. I would study next to her as she cut on herself to release anger, pain, and anxiety. I made sure she didn't ruin her clothes or stain anything with blood, or anything else that would attract attention. Countless nights she would stay up to help me practise for my exams. She knew how important being perfect was to me.
We have always been there for each other until now. I miss you, Little Sister. I need your love and support, but we are so far away. You have a loving man at your side now, one that understands you as well as I do. He takes a lot of your time, and I understand that too. I miss our nights together. I miss your quirky ways. I'll see you again someday, after all my studies are over. Until then, stay out of trouble.
You relationship with your brother sounds a lot like my relationship with my little brother. The difference is, I was never able to deflect my parents. When they were pissed, they were pissed, and they took it out on him. Once I left the house, though, he was able to accuse me of things when he was in trouble and they'd let him off the hook. Like the day he was kicked out of art school, they were ready to throttle him, so he said, "Oh yeah? Well EW's up at school getting drunk all the time!" (At this point, I think I had been drunk maybe twice in my life). They got off his case and called me enraged. I knew what he was up to, so I distracted them for a while, and talked them down a bit.
When we were little, though, I had very much the protector role you describe. When my parents fought, I'd gather the boys and we'd have a "sleepover" in my room. I'd play games with them and do whatever I could to distract them. When I was old enough to drive, I'd put everyone in the car and go to a drive in movie or out for ice cream when they started up.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Sadly, there were no escapes in my family. When my mother, a single parent, was pissed off, you had to take it. If you ran or tried to avoid it in anyway, it made things eight times worse. I only dared to run once. I still have scars from it. -_-
I wish I had been able to go to my room to escape the hell, but that was never an option. I consider anyone with another parent the lucky one here. At least the parents usually provided a buffer for the anger against the kids.
The sanity within is overwhelming.
That must be a common response for kids with siblings when they get in trouble. Find the sibling that did something worse and hang them out to dry to save your own ass. I have seen this maneuver many times growing up. In fact, and I'm not proud of it at all, I have even used it.
Many times, though, me and the others would stick together. It was more difficult to punish many kids at once instead of just one; but as the oldest, everything, in the end, was my fault, since I supposedly set the bad example in the first place......
I don't miss childhood at all.
So, is this you, talking about your sister? Or something written from a different perspective?
This is my life. I wanted to say something to my little sister for when she finally looks at my journal again. She knows I'm talking to her and what it means.
The sanity within is overwhelming.
This is pretty much just like my little sister and me but opposite. I'm the one that has always had good grades, I was involved with school I always have been, and I'm for the most part well behaved. Yet I was the one that was always hurting. My mom blamed everything on me, even her alcoholism, it was her way of keeping me from having fun and doing the things I wanted. I was left to raise my little sister, but in a way I think she raised me. She was always there for me no matter what. Yeah, she tried to be like me, she gets good grades and she's not in too much trouble all that often but she was usually the one that caused the trouble I was being blamed for, but I didn't care. I didn't want her to have to be the one calling the neighbors at 4 am trying to find mom. I didn't want her to have to be the one going to bed hungry because there wasn't enough stale bread and peanut butter to feed all three of us. But she was still always there. So I know exactly how you feel. It's a very difficult thing to deal with.
I'm generally closed mouth about the details because they are part of my past. I'm trying to let it go for the most part and don't want to remember. However, I never had it that bad.
Oddly, I understood where my mom was coming from. A singler parent, struggling to make it. She was confused and frustrated most of the time. I don't allow that as an excuse for any of the mental and physical abuse, but in a way I understood. At least she was terrified of alcohol.
The sanity within is overwhelming.
I don't like to think that I had it harder than anyone because every situation is different. But I don't know where my mother was coming from, she's the one that destroyed their marriage and put me in the middle when I was only 6. I just don't talk to her anymore now, at all...my graduation is next week and I didn't even invite her. But I commend you for putting up with things and being there for your sister. I can say that some aspects were different for us because all the scars I have from that time period are self-inflicted.
wow.