Learning To Love

It's difficult to know you're lonely if you've no clue there is any other way to be. For over thirty years I had no idea there was such a thing as healthy touch. I grew up in a horrifically abusive household, a violent academic environment. I had no friends. I escaped in books, video games and daydreams. I longed for love -- I had seen it as an outside observer -- but had never experienced it myself. Everyone had convinced me I was too horrible, to ugly, to freakish for anyone to ever waste their love on a worthless waste of space like me.

When I was 32 years old, a woman became my friend...and then told me she had a crush on me. Of all the things I had prepared myself for, this was not one of them. She hugged & kissed me; I fought fear and an overwhelming, aching, longing. I began to learn to love -- myself and others -- and to let myself be loved. I had to overcome my terror of trusting anyone. I had taken care of myself and others since I was 6 years old; it was a shock to actually need someone else in my life.

Now, 3 years later I am still learning...& loving it. I have had the good fortune to have had several wonderful, patient friends & girlfriends who have encouraged, motivated, laughed, and grown with me. I've helped them see the world with the innocent wonder of a child and they have helped me to overcome the effects of abuse and neglect, to open my heart.