Below is a short story of my own creation. I wanted to share it with the site to get some more opinions on the peice. Don't be shy! Give me some constructive criticism.
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She stood alone. No one could take their eyes from her flawless form. Her full lips were in a perfect pout, painted with a blood red gloss that shimmered in contrast to her pale skin. Midnight hair seemed to caress her face, but despite how delicate her porcelain face and doll like hair seemed… there was nothing doll like about her eyes. They did not hold innocence, nor did they hold a childlike joy. They held a knowing look. She knew exactly what she was doing.
No one moved as she got off the bar stool, movements slow as she looked around the room, as if seeing it for the first time. The five men stood, transfixed. Her eyes shined brightly, full lips parting slightly. A red dress clung to her linth form. The same way that her admirers’ eyes seemed to be glued to the seductress, who seemed oblivious to the men watching helpless to her power.
As she walked towards them, they caught flashes of creamy white skin, for the dress had two slits up the sides. Stone cold eyes watched them, as if they now registered the bikers that had come into the bar for a drink but instead found the Queen of Hell. For if such a creature existed, surely she could have only come from the devil’s making. For no God would make a creature that could destroy a person like this. For she is a child of the night.
And when her eyes turn red with hunger and her perfect teeth reveal a set of sharp fangs. There is no denying that this beautiful seductress is truly a child of Lilith herself. Lilith who was created by God for Adam, who she fled. The bikers’ never noticed the bodies littering the floor or the blood that turned the wood floor red. They only saw her.
The demon of the night.
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This took a couple of reads, and even still I don't feel like I quite understand it, but the strong images kept it in my mind after I left the page, making me come back to read it once again. Your style is great, the only criticism I can offer is in the minor details of typing: "how" instead of "hoe", "childlike" as one word instead of two, etc... Other than that, this is a beautiful, thought-provoking piece.
Thanks fixed the errors. ^^
Glad you found it thought provoking. Wrote it while listening to Rev 20:22 off the Underworld soundtrack so I was wanting to make it seem very full without giving the whole picture until the end.
Scary. So maybe just edit it for spelling and grammar. Otherwise, very creative.
They've been fixed!
Thanks for commenting. I hope it wasn't too scary(doubt it was).