A Ten Year Retrospect - Thinking about the Why?

Oct 27, 1996 12:20 am

Well I now have a car. It is a 94 Tempo, and it is costing me an arm and a leg, compared to what I was paying for my Escort. So now I know there is now way I can move out on my own now. I can't afford it. That is what sucks the most, and with me working at Uni Par during the day and Piasa on the weekends I have no time at all. If I could find a way to budget my money I could quit Piasa so I could at least have my weekends free, and finding a job I like is a bitch and a half.

I have a car, but no free time to go out or money for that matter.

Val call me today and was her usual slightly out of touch with reality self, but that is one of the things I love about her.

Mean while a little time later like 1:30 am. Man I hate working midnights, and I need to find another weekend job. Something that does not require me to stay up all night an sleep all day and be back to work in the afternoon. I will get off work in the morning, sleep, work 2:30 - 10:30, get home by 11 pm and have to sleep again so I can get up early Monday, to go to work by 6 am. It is all bullshit, pure bullshit.

What I want to know is why I cannot be satisfied with the mundane world? Why can't I be a good catholic man, works hard at his blue collar job, and marries the sweetheart who want to have babies and live the suburbia Hell, but no I have to be different, left of center. I don't want a bull job. I want a job I enjoy going to. I want to me a writer but I get the feeling all my ideas are copied and I just look like I am coping someone else's ideas. I want a job were I can work and not get as dirty as a grease blob. I still want to know how much more pain I have to go through before I get the slice of pie I crave. Why did I fall in love with a girl 300 miles away only to have her break up with me? That is a whole other bucket of beans.

What I need to do is talk to her and find out some answers to question I have had. Here are some.

Did she truly love me?. Does she still love me romantically or platonicly? Should I wait? How does she feel? Was it something I did? Was she being completely honest with me?

The list goes on and on, and my here is my favorite question.. Why can't I stop think about her when it hurts so much?

Why? T
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If I could change one thing about the way we live our lives is the feeling a person has after the heart has been broken. It is an empty feeling, a void in your stomach, and a heavy weight in your chest. You are not thinking right and only one question comes to mind. Why. Three little letters, that question everything in existence. It is the fist questions a child ask, (Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to go to bed?) and it the last question a person is asked. (Why did you have to die?)

Every person at one time ask why? It is our nature. If we don't understand something we ask why. Great discoveries were byproducts of the questioning of why.

(Author's note: In the course of writing these blog I have no problems with what I want to write, but for some reason I have a case of writers block. I normally don't have this problem. You as a reader deserve to be given more. After all you are taking the time to read this little trip down memory lane, and I want to express myself the best way possible. So I am sorry I can not finish this entry as planned. I have a block and I want to know why?)