In all my years of life I had run into my share of skaters, druggies, anti-socials, and just your run of the mill, losers. These kids look at the world, and spit on it. And the world looks on them, and hates them for it. But why?
Volunteering at a middle school youth group, I see 13 year old kids sneaking away to make out under the stairs, and looking you straight in teh face and telling you to f*** off. And it isn't every kid that is like this. For the most part you can pick them out from a mile away.
Baggy pants, old t-shirts, skater shoes, messy hair, and straggly facial hair. Before I offend anyone, I am want to stress, I am stereotyping, but I know that not everyone who skates or has messy hair is a loser who hates the world, but please stay with me.
I had run into these kids plenty of times, and I had grown to believe they just were stupid. But I do not believe that anymore. Two of these "losers" have entered my life in a rather surrounding way. I am living under they same roof with them. And on the surface, they are a couple of skaters who act tough, say mean (not very eloquent things) just to get under your skin, and annoy everyone around them. But as I lived with them, I began to notice the things that had made them the way they were.
First of all, the parenting. I heard them being yelled at on a nearly daily basis. For things ranging from getting detention to drinking the last orange soda without asking. The yelling didn't just stop at, "Ask next time" or "Don't get detention" but continued to "Your never going to do anything" "You are so stupid, You are Worthless" Needless to say, they would eleveate the problem by cussing at their parents, telling them they hate them, and it usually led to slamming doors, screaming, crying, and accusations of lying.
Second, I noticed a complete lack of self esteem in the boys. They couldn't go into a taco bell to ask for a job without someone else going with them. They couldn't order a burger at Dairy Queen, without someone else satanding by them. Why? Because their whole lives they had been worthless.
You see, I found out these fights and yelling didn't start when they got unruly, but started when they acted like children, when they were children. When they would hit eachother, or break something, steal some candy, they would see a melt down from their parent. And as a result, they came to the conclusion at a young age, "I must be a loser, so I'll be the best loser I can be" As a result, the fights led to "loser" kids.
Now, they have dreams. They want to be pro-skaters or open a skate shop in california. But instead of support, they find a wall, "Thats Dumb" "That wont ever work" and I find myself doing the same thing, shooting down their dreams, just because they are a little unrealistic.
These kids are not innocent, but they are not the devils they are treated like by the rest of society.
These kids dont need t be told whats wrong with them. They already see every problem with their looks, their mind, and their actions. No, they need to be treated wiht resepct. They need support. They need to finally be able to see, they can be good kids, they can screw up everyonce in a while, and it doesn't mean they are "worhtless".
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http://www.progressiveu.org/090204-dont-miss-this-chance
Are you a social worker? I am just wondering how you got to see all of that.
DISCLAIMER: I am not being rude. I'm stating my opinion. No personal attacks are meant. Please give some leniency on how you take my words. imagine me saying them with a smile. ^__^
Moved a thousand miles from home to go to college and am currently engaged to the older sister of the two boys. So natuarally I spend a lot of time at the house of the family and since I have become much like a part of the family, I see the way things work. Also my Fiancee has filled me in on how things have been for these two boys.
The two older siblings of the family turned out great, but when the twins were born I believe it was to much for the mother to handle on her own and thus things turned out the way I described.
It is just sad to see these two kids, and many more like them, that have alot of potential and have a lot of passion, but have always been kicked around their whole lives.
"It's Better To Burn Out Than To Fade Away" -Neil Young
This was a very good blog entry, Shawk. You really showed how tough these kids are having it at home.
Essentially, bad parenting leads to these kids truly believing they are losers and they become that "loser". They have more potential than they are led on to think.
Good! That is half the battle.
Now they need to grow up and take responsibility for turning their own lives around. It would be nice if they didn't have the environmental challenges and it would be nice if the adults in their lives gave them some support. But ulltimately they are responsible for their own outcome
Everybody has a sob story. Some people are delt a really crappy hand of cards. Some people overcome and others don't.
You began this blog talking about kids that when offered help tell the person to "F-off". And then you end the blog by saying the kids need some respect?!!
I'm sorry but in my world respect is EARNED. What these kids need is boot camp where they will be forced to perform and after they have proven to themselves and everybody else that they can perform THEN they get some respect.
You'd be surprised with teh changes you can see in these kids at the youth group I'm talking about.
I am not saying they should get a free pass, believe me they get kicked out for weeks at a time for doing things like telling a leader to F-Off. But you have to think of these much like children, if you get down with them, show them you arent going to judge them, they let all those walls and defenses down. Show them some respect, don't treat them like a loser, and they wont act like on.
You can not excpect these kids to just grow up. They never had grown ups to help them do that. They need someone to get to their level, look them in the eye and say, "Hey, you got some cool things going on" show them you respect them, then you can help the grow up. But if you write them off and say, 'Just grow up losers' then you will find them staying just the way they are.
Your title for your enry was Boot Camp. For these kids, I think that might be just the right thing for them. They are half way done with high school, one of them isn't even considered a sophmore because he failed too many classes his freshman year (and failed science in summer school). There really isn't much of a future for them if they keep going down the road they are going.
But it is good, one of them is talking about joining the Air Force. He has got a goal. And that is one his parents are backing him up on.
Don't get me wrong, these kids have made mistakes, they are wrong, and they do need to grow up. But we can not just expect them do it on their own.
"It's Better To Burn Out Than To Fade Away" -Neil Young
You mentioned that they wanted to open a skate shop or be a pro skater, and even you admit to shooting those dreams down, saying they're unrealistic. What's worse, they're not even out of high school. Who are you to say that they don't have the potential to own a business or even make it into professional sports?
While I agree that pro-skating is a little far-fetched, opening a shop is far from unattainable, especially if they're thinking about that in high school.
Instead of telling them that they can't do something, explain to them what it would take to make that dream come true, both short term and long term, and how they could go about getting it done.
Want to open a shop that sells skating equipment and maybe have a course for people to skate on? While in high school, take economics and business courses for your electives, get your grades up and perhaps go to college or some sort of vocational school for business and business ownership.
-- quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
You are very right, and I mentioned that I find myself shooting down their dreams out of anger at myself. I am not proud that I do that, My point in saying that is I believe they should be encouraged, not shot down. They will have better chances to succeed in life if they believe they can succeed, and know what they have to do to succeed. The problem is, they wont take economics or business courses, that would cut into their skate time. But we can not give up on them
"It's Better To Burn Out Than To Fade Away" -Neil Young
You can only help others so far as they want to help themselves.
Saying you need to do something and actually doing it are two different things.
Just keep in mind that no matter how much you say we should help people like these boys, until you actually do so, you're no better than anyone else who has shot down their dreams.