I'd Like a Stomach Pump for My Birthday, Please: Day 40

I am so goddamn full right now it's unbelievable. This 3 snack a day thing has got to go. GOT TO GO. After dinner tonight, I felt sick I was so full. And knowing I had to eat AGAIN was torture.

We usually go to ANAD meetings on Friday nights, but Adrienne was giving a lecture on tarot cards, and seeing as I would marry Adrienne if I were a lesbian because she is just that awesome, I obviously planned to go. That and the fact that I can't fucking STAND ANAD. Amelia decided to go with me, so we ate dinner together early. During the whole lecture, though, all I could concentrate on was having to eat my third snack. Ick. I did it after we got home, though, and it wasn't too bad.

Today we had a sub for yoga. When this happened last time, we got the horrible teacher who called herself fat. The girl today, though, was AMAZING. She even turned on "Sexy Back" when we did core work. I got a little too excited.

Group therapy today was also awesome. We talked about the difference between being self-centered and being centered in yourself. Being centered in yourself is when you know your wants and needs and don't sacrifice them for others, while still respecting other people blah blah blah.

We also talked about the ability to tell people no. This is a huge issue for me. Most people I just cannot say no to. There are some people I can say no to if necessary, but they're usually the people that never give me a reason to say no. Our therapist gave us the steps to getting what we want out of life. It's very easy to write down the four steps, but actually putting them into practice? Bitch, please.

Nicola and I are planning a secret outing on Sunday. Hee hee. For some weird-ass reason, even though I'm in transition and she's on a day pass, they won't let us go anywhere together. So I'm planning on telling them that Sunday I'm going somewhere (where's a believable place to spend 4 hours??) and then meeting up with her. BAD. ASS.

Speaking of being a BAMF, Laura and I once again stopped at our secret spot to get diet sodas after the gym. My chugging-while-driving-over-the-speed-limit on-the-freeway skills have become quite excellent. I laughed so hard today when Laura was telling me about her boyfriend who she says "I swear I think he was gay if I wasn't boinking him," after she told me that he trims his leg hair, and um, other places as well. "Go shave your legs, you asshole," is my new favorite quote.

Tomorrow we go to OA and I WILL get my token, dammit!!! Tomorrow will be my 40 days "sober", but I'll have to take a 30 day token because they only have 30, 60, and 90 day ones. Damn you, Jen, and your perpetual lateness.

Tomorrow we're also being introduced to another form of HG Torture: GOING OUT TO EAT!!! To a SECRET LOCATION!! Ugh. They're not telling us where we're going so we "won't freak out about it". WHAT?!?! You think by keeping it hush-hush I'll be CALM about the situation??? Um, wrong! There are also RULES to eating out that they won't tell us until tomorrow.

What I Predict HG's Rules for Eating Out Will Be:

1). The food must be deep-fried, battered, or slathered in butter.

2). NO "TO GO" BOXES!! You must finish everything on your plate, or we'll make you drink this portable bottle of Ensure that we brought.

3). If you even think about ordering a salad, it must have an extra order of extra-this-will-make-your-ass-fat salad dressing.

Speaking of a fat ass, I swear to god I'm getting my ghetto booty back. The other day I saw my reflection and was like "WHOA! HOLY SHIT!!" It was weird. I swear to God it's like an acid trip whenever I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I never know what new thing I'll see and I never know if it's really there or not.

But I'm starting to accept things now more. I think. I don't really know. It comes and goes. I've been getting dressed more often. Maybe it's because I actually have freedom so I can go places other than the office for therapy. It's one thing to literally get out of bed, put shoes on (that double as slippers, no less), and go talk about your feelings. It's another to actually go out where the "normal" people are dressed like that. And please. I still have SOME dignity left. But just getting dressed more often has made me freak out less about my clothes still fitting, though that does cross my mind a thousand times a day. And a lot of times I think "I'm NOT looking in the mirror." But it was weird. In the bathroom the other day, all I noticed was something about my hair. I don't remember what it was and it doesn't really matter, it was just the fact that I looked in the mirror and saw something other than my body. A step in recovery?? I think so!!

My mom has been surprisingly pleasant to me lately. Maybe it was seeing me last week that made her realize how pissed I was about everything, but the times I've talked to her this past week she's been all "Hi, sweetheart! How are you?" in that sweet mom-voice that she used to talk in back in the day. I don't know. This experience has shown me that pretty much everyone's family is fucked up. And if yours isn't? Now that's fucked up.

I think I've stayed up late enough for the weekend, and seeing as I've got a fun-filled Saturday waiting for me, I'd better get to bed so I can make the 7 am wake up call!!

Thank God tomorrow is Starbucks day.