I am longing for some rain. Some sleet, slush, snow, a freak avalance maybe. I'll even take some hail at this point.
Anything but this PERFECT SUNNY WEATHER EVERY DAY.
I think I have Reverse Seasonal Effect Disorder.
Positives o' the Day:
While driving en route to my Ivy League School (ha...community college joke), I thought to myself "Hmm...being normal sounds good."
I have this new game I play with myself. I just THINK like a normal person. Like, if I'm upset and thinking about bingeing and purging, I go "Wait...why the FUCK would I shove a bunch of food down my throat
and then throw it up to feel better? That's weird!" It doesn't always work, and sometimes I forget to do it, but hey, it's better than nothing.
I also wasn't envious at all of the bags o' bones walking around campus today. Anorexia? They can have it. Someone very close to me today told me that one of the scariest moments of their life was when I called them last year, crying and so exhausted I couldn't even walk up the stairs without taking a break. I seriously had forgotten about that. The way I would have to grip on to the railing, pause before going up to take a deep breath, and then stop midway through. It's amazing how you can work out for HOURS because of some mental force that's driving you, but when it comes to functioning like a normal person, you're completely fucked.
I also got a 76 ON MY GEOGRAPHY EXAM. This is HUGE. This is CELEBRATORY. I need a party thrown in my honor for this shit. GEOGRAPHY?!? Um...what?? And I actually STUDIED. And I guess the class average was like 64. HA! I guess reading the material actually IS useful. Huh. Who would've thought?
I also got a 100% on my math quiz that I took with Hottie McTall Boy last week. We had another quiz today, so I thought me and H McT would work together again, but I saw him talking to another guy, so I asked someone else to be partners. He turned around and asked "Are you working with anyone?"
GODDAMIT. Couldn't I have waited like 5 more seconds??! Although it is extremely difficult to work on math while this tall gorgeous creature is sitting next to you.
I was a productive human being yesterday. I spent a grand total of two hours and 45 minutes in the math lab. I got up, ate breakfast, went to kickboxing, puked, took a shower, and spent the rest of the day math labbing it. I went to my school's library after the lab yesterday just because I love it. I love the comfy chairs right in front of the huge windows overlooking the campus. I went there today in between classes and happened to pass out. Comfortable chairs in a school library should be forbidden. There is no possible way one can stay awake for long while sitting in one.
I'm thinking of going shopping semi, possibly, in the near-ish distant future. I need to. Okay. I'm not the smallest size possible. But really, what GOOD came from that? Well. Actually. I can think of a few things. I have one of those faces? bodies? I don't know, that NO ONE finds attractive unless it is stripped of nothing but skin and bones. Literally. But remembering the days from ages 14-16, 17-ish, I was relatively happy. I'm looking at a picture right now from homecoming senior year, and I actually look goodish. And I was healthy. My face is glowing. I don't care if I wind up being alone for the rest of my life due to my unattractiveness. I just can't LIVE like this anymore. I would rather be happy with myself, my friends, my interests, school, etc., than have someone finally pay attention to me because I look like I'm straight out of a concentration camp.
I met with my therapist from HG on Friday. I love, love, LOVE her. LOVE. Ed Lady's got SHIT on this woman. I want to ask her "How did you get to be like that?!? How did you get your shit together?" but she'd probably go all therapisty on me and ask "Why is that important to you?" or something like that.
Today= good day. I have to think of the positives now. I know it's just one of the moods I'm in, that tomorrow I'll wake up and things could be different, etc., but the fact that I can feel positive long enough to make it through writing an entire blog is a huge milestone for me.
"Though it is impossible to foresee every pebble in every road, you can certainly choose which roads to travel based on where you know they lead."-- Ralph Marston
