"You're missing the way things used to be. Try recreating one of the moments you had early-on with someone."
This was my horoscope for today. Granted, I read it over Facebook and it applies to all the 3 billion Aquarians in the world, but it still resonated with me.
Today I saw the nutritionist. And I didn't even bother getting scared before stepping on the scale. I thought "I know I've gained weight. I'm sick of thinking about it. Whatever." However, after I got off, the things the dietitian told me blew me away:
"Your numbers are going down. We're going to add in a third snack to your meal plan."
Um...WHAT?! Come again?? My numbers are going DOWN??! How the FUCK is that physically possible?
1). Other than today, I have not been to the gym since last Friday (and I saw the nutritionist before going today).
2.) I have been eating 3 meals AND 2 mandatory snacks EVERY SINGLE DAY.
3.) I LOOK FATTER!!! Seriously. I thought the "Ed-vision" was gone and I just kind of thought "Eh. I'm getting fatter. This sucks."
THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. So now I am going to be eating SIX TIMES A DAY. And after lunch today, I felt so fucking full that I wanted to puke. I mixed it up, had something a little different, and thought to myself "WHHHY???? I am SO GODDAMN FULL!!" Just the thought of having to eat TWICE more today gives me a headache.
In expressive arts therapy today, we finished the masks we started last week. We had to write something about them, which is all very run-of-the-mill type psychology. But WHAM! Franny had to throw in a little unpredictability there. We had to read out loud what we wrote while someone else held up our mask. Okay, first of all? That's fucking weird. And secondly, I don't want to share what I wrote!!! That shit is PERSONAL! I know I write Facebook notes all the time, but believe it or not, these babies are edited. There's no way in hell I'd actually share everything on a public forum.
It was torture. We then had to have someone else read what we wrote while we held up our own mask. Okay, you've all already heard my innermost thoughts, can we NOT repeat them, please? Thank you! Ugh. It really pissed me off.
Aimee is from North Orange County, which is where my parents live, so we decided that when I'm at my parents we can get together. This excites me sooo much. She is so, so much fun. Everyone here is. And they have all noticed my nail polish and want to use it :). Ahh, the life of a trendsetter. Hee hee.
It finally feels that good things are happening. I'm feeling better, and life right now is SO much less shitty than it was even a week ago.
And there's only like 23 days until the big 1-9!!! Which I'm going to be celebrating here!!! I find it both extremely depressing and amusing that I will have spent Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday at the recovery center. But I figure, better to be in recovery during those times than my disease.
Especially on my birthday. Because turning 19 AND having an eating disorder?? Now that's depressing.
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