In the right state of mind

I have yet to think of anything to write about in a forum. I always have ideas yet when i need them i can't think of anything! Pathedically last night I got carried away and started talking about my mom. It has been a long time almost 2 years, yet when there is constant devasation in your life it is hard to look forward. One thing after another happens but that is life. The best quote to go by is "there is always someone who has it worse off than you do" It is a sad quote though because people should not have to suffer more than someone else. I love to help people. The main thing that i want to emphasize is that watching someone pass away is different than hearing that someone passed away. Although both are painful watching it happen before your eyes is like a bad nightmare that you won't wake up from. When you walk in ICU a wave of hopelessness comes over you. Even though you are positive and pray and think everything will be ok you know that everyone in ICU is very sick and clinging to life. Not there because "they can be better looked after" like was told to us. A bad nightmare repeats in my mind before i go to sleep each night, I relive the nightmare of the whole ordeal. I hear the flat line noise,see the images, and say my last goodbye. Of course I had to get my tonsils out 2 months later and had an iv like my mom,a heart rate monitor and all of that and I flipped out. Let's go back on how I got to this point. My mother had Lupus a very awful disease that gives you bumps all over your skin and the bad kind (gets into your organs and everywhere else) which she recieved the diagnosis of the bad kind later than the roomatologist was suppose to give. let's put it this way the "doctor" sent the letter out 3 months after it was actually written. That was the 1st contribution to my mother's passing. # 2 was when my mom could barely walk and we went to go see the dermatologist. My mother hates hospitals alot but pleaded with the derma to admit her into the hospital. The dermatologist rejected saying that she didn't want to because my mom's immune system was low and she could catch something. (The wonderful medicine does this) she was taking 12 pills a day. So My dad and I waited and waited. My mom could not eat because she had sores from the Lupus in her mouth. She finally wouldn't eat at all because it would make her throw up. She had to wear long sleeve clothing to go outside and cover all visiable skin. (I have a good chance of getting this disease. wonderful.) She did drink alot of fluids requesting them frequently through out the day. For about a month my mother could not walk on her own so I had to help her to the bathroom, get her drinks, try to make her eat, help her in bed, help her out of bed. She was 47 but i felt as though i was taking care of someone older. (I was 18) I had just graduated and was working full time. My dad worked second shift and would help her before work and after work. Before graduation of highschool I buzzed all of her hair off because the medicine was making it fall out. We finally said fuk the doctors and admitted her to the hospital. In the room you go into before you get a room. (Forgot what it was called) The doctors couldn't get a vein. They decided to put a deep line cathetor in (which is by your collar bone) well that was suppose to go into a vein. She was drugged up but was acting fine telling me she loved me and thanking my long term boyfriend for taking her( at the time my boyfriend's truck had air conditioning and my dad's didn't). She talked to my dad too. We arrived at the hospital at 3:00pm and she didn't get into a room until 1:30 am. She was talking normal but was getting tired. we left the hospital. My boyfriend and I decided to sleep in the next day because we were tired. ( he spent the night and now lives with my dad and I) My dad drove up to go and see her. She complained about how she could not move her left leg. She was talking normally my dad said. My boyfriend and I got up around 12 to go see how my mom was doing. My dad, my boyfriend and I drove to see her. We arrived in the parking lot and recieved a phone call. (from here all of this blends together because it was so shocking.) Her doctor said she had a stroke and an emergency breathing tube was placed down her throat. He told us he would call us when we could come and see her. Another call came from the doctor saying she was having a seizure and that he want to transport her to the bigger hospital. In that day she had almost 6 seizures. She had one in the ambulance over to the other hospital. We drove to the other hospital and practrically waited all day then we were finally able to see her. She was placed in ICU. To make a long story short the deep line cathetor was placed into a ARTERY instead of a vein. A nurse found this not a doctor. We had a seperate doctor admit that that what caused her stroke and the other thing i am getting to. My mom was in a coma for almost 3 or more weeks. This is the short version but all in all the first hospital pretty much killed her. No justice was served. We tried but there is a stupid ass law where i live that you have to make so much money or your life is pretty much insignificant. No justice has really been served in my life for alot of things. Including my favorite cousin who was 19 when his uncle shot him. He only recieved 2 years in prison. My mom's side of the family won't call, my friends all abandoned me and screwed me over in that same year. I don't trust women especially because every female i have ever been friends with has screwed me over. I am a women myself but do not fit the sterotype of most NOT all women. (please no one get offended here) I hate gossip, i don't talk behind people's back, and other things. I have tried to trust people especially women but they always stab me in the back. I am not in any way concieted but i believe i am one of the greatest friends anyone could ever have. If any wants more info i will post it. But if you read this far i'm proud of you!! lol