...Don't really want to go home.

I'm on spring break. It began on Friday and I'm going home on Sunday. I stayed the two extra days, partially due to the fact I wanted to exercise and bike here in the amazing mountains in mostly solidarity, partially due to the fact I wanted to clean my room, but mostly it boils down to: I'm just not jumping hot to go "home".
What is home anyway, right? Home is where the heart is. Then home is here in my own breast, and it is wherever I choose to roam or rest.
But I do feel like I'm roaming or resting a lot of the time. Am I "Some Thought", meandering around the edges of a lake in your town? Am i walking down streets at night reflecting colours in their rainy response, or on windy hillsides overlooking the town lights?
I hate the house I live in. My siblings are the worst. My mother denies in her mind any blemishes-they just wash over her eyes, like some joke she refuses to get.
This past Christmas there was that undercurrent screaming tension in all of us - as usual it turned to that cutthroat jabbing at each other. My mother goes, "is there just some great animosity that I don't know about?"
...APPARENTLY NO FUCKING SHIT. you've made sure you dont know about it.
I give her a lot of slack in daily life, I always have. Too much, i think. I'm more of a practical thinker, so instead of throwing fits to get a raise in allowance when I'm seven, I understand that whether she pays for groceries or gives it to me in allowance, its all the same and going to the same place; in addition to the fact I'm one of five kids and I don't need need it right then.
When I'm financially self-sufficient I can really step back and take a look if I want to keep her in my life at all. As a Russian, German, and Norwegian, I can be very practical, efficient and cold. I already know my brother Nick is going to be involved in nothing of my future life. He has been the source of a lot of undeserved abuse in my own house; ignored verbal, physical, and mental abuse.
That does not fly, mama.
I dont know why people are always squawking about how you should this and that with and about your family -
There is no reason why I should keep such an unneeded negative influence in my life. I grew up in a house of neglect, but I will not neglect the need to love, respect, and hear myself.
I really hope my week at home goes okay this time. God I hate this. The atmosphere makes me feel like I have no substance. No weight. Once upon a time I gained weight so I could feel like I had some. Not now, but still the ambiance is that i cant be heard, and my actions wont be respected. I'm respected everywhere but at the house.