It's not often when I feel stupid. But it happens. And I don't mean the kind of stupid where I'm left feeling ignorant or uneducated. I mean the type of stupid that makes me open my mouth and shove my two size 5 1/2 shoes in...
Yea, that kind of stupid.
Yet, over the weekend, I went to karaoke with some friends of mine. Now, let me tell you a little bit about this. I am outspoken - and when I say outspoken, I don't always mean the good kind where I'll tell you exactly what I like or don't like (although - I will). I mean to a fault sometimes. Yes, to a fault - to the point where I will sometimes go off and rant about a subject to everyone in the room.
Well, this particular night, the owner's daughter happened to be working. She's a nice enough girl, 19 years old and desperately seeking Mr. Right. So imagine my surprise when I walked in and she told me she was getting married! And to boot, I was going to get to meet this lucky man that night.
Well, three hours and a few Southern Comfort & Cokes later... "Mr. Right" shows up. He's rude to me, and just...well...he just rubbed me the wrong way.
But, this is a friend's fiance...so I resolve myself to be polite and not say anything.
Then it all turns South.
She approaches me crying, complaining that he hit her - in the bar - right in front of everyone - while I was in the bathroom. Of course, no one I asked saw this, but they all had some story as to what they were doing at the time.
So, I threw a fit - and I do mean a fit. I went to the owners first - her parents. They told me to calm down and just leave it alone. But she had told me before that they were trying to marry her off - so of course I didn't listen to them. I told them that it was bullshit and that they were enablers and they were just as bad as he was if they don't do something about it.
Then I went to some of the bartenders. They just rolled their eyes at me and asked if I would like another drink. Yea, they got yelled at too.
Then I went to my friends. Ahhh... my friends. A group of about 7-8 guys - all military and all big. I explained to them what happened. Well, they were not as complacent as everyone else seemed to be. So together, we all went to confront this guy.
By this time, though, nearly everyone in the bar knew what was happening. Why? Because as I crossed the bar to get to these various people, I stopped to tell everyone. Yes, I did. I figured the more people saw that man's face, the less likely he was to get away with it.
Oh yea, I threw a fit.
And the guy, eventually, was kicked out of the bar. I felt victorious - like I had done something good. I sat back down at my table, ordered a Diet Coke, and turned in another song to sing.
Then...everything turned further South.
The guy had never hit that girl. She lied. She lied because she knew the kind of fit I was going to throw, and she knew I wouldn't stop until he was either kicked out, beaten up, or thrown in jail. And she did it so she could hit on another guy.
I found out when the other guy came up to tell me this. It was confirmed when she approached us both while we were talking, and tried to tell me that he, too, had hit her.
I felt used, and stupid.
So, over the past few days, the only thought that has made me feel any better is the fact that when we went outside to leave, the first guy had been standing there. He was standing there waiting for me - and he accepted my apology. And rather than yell or scream or go off on me, he said this:
"Well, I guess it's better that you do something and feel stupid for it later, than do nothing and find out she was telling the truth."
Well, that and the fact that he told me that when I got up in his face I had scared the bejeezus out of him... and he said that this was motivation alone to never, ever hit a woman (though, he assured me that he never would anyway - that it was just "extra incentive").
;)
That kind of made me feel better.
But anyway, I've lost my point. It's women like this that make it so much harder for the real victims of domestic violence and abuse to get the help they need. How many people in that bar do you think will ever answer the call again if someone claims to have been hit?
And I hate having been made to feel that stupid; though not as much as I hated having been used. But I've managed to drink enough water now to wash down those two 5 1/2 sized shoes...
And I think I would still prefer to feel stupid than apathetic.
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Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
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LOL, thanks!
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"when you have nothing else to say, "Fwonk" is always the perfect thing."
"yeah well, fwonk"
--Devon
Fanaile Essence
geez, Miss Bar Owners Daughter is the stupid one. Did you give her a good yelling at when you found out she was lying?
Don't feel stupid for caring; you did the right thing. It's unfortunate that people think it's acceptable to lie instead of being honest and working out their problems, but ignoring it if someone really was being hurt would be far worst then any amount of drunken yelling you could ever dish out.
"Excellence is the result of caring more than others think is wise, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than others think is possible."
So... at what point did you hit her?
~C
Check out the latest entry in the Between The Lines column!
I'm with Chelle. When'd you beat Ms. Bar Owner's Daughter up?
Nicholas Aden
Self-Promotion
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That sounds mortifying. Still and all, I think it shows your admirable ethics that you were willing to go so much out on a limb for a friend... even if the friend was using you. Well, you'll be more careful about that next time, and with any luck, so will she. The guy sounds like a keeper, though - are they still together after that little episode?
I learned in Psycology class about a rape that happened in an open courtyard with open windows all around? Kitty got raped, then the guy left. He came back, rapped her some more, then stabbed her to death, and no one did anything about it. Well, somone yelled out the window for him to stop, but no one went out and stopped it. We need more people like you who are willing to look stupid if they think that something is going wrong. If someone had been wiling to go out and stop that guy, that girl would still be alive. You did the right thing based on the information you were given. Congratulations on not being an uncaring jerk.
Wow. That's some amazing drama. And I think that both of your 5 1/2 shoes would make up one of my size 11's so don't feel to bad. Imagine trying to swallow my shoes?!
-Cheez Out-
Your initial intention was to protect her honor, which was by all other counts respectable. However, I sometimes have the bad habit of reacting BEFORE having all of the facts. You have nothing to be ashamed of, especialy if you learned from the situation.
That's is the difference between what we call in the martial arts; a Dragon verses a Tiger. A Tiger is fierce and powerful, and only knows how to react. A Dragon can also be fierce and powerful, but his/her wisdom always considers alternative options because it is conscious, self-aware, and/or afraid of its own power.
I'm impressed by the humble response of the first guy you had thrown out.
It sucks to learn a life lesson while you're drunk. It's even worse to wake up the next morning and remember learning that life lesson. But the worst of all is to not do anything about it. So you've done right so far by analysing your actions and what made you do and say those things, synthesizing your behavior, your personality, and your personal motivations, and discussing them out loud. It's really too bad that your friend may get nothing out of what happened - other than that she can get away with it.
First of all, if she had been telling the truth, your actions would have been heroic. I think what your dealing with is some thought-processing time: thinking first vs. acting first. It's a tough thing to overcome; been there, done that. I imagine, though, that with time, you will master this skill of analysing situations BEFORE you try to save the day. The more realistic your approach to these sorts of things, the better it will turn out. It sounds callous, but with time and experience, I think you will see the truth in it.
You definitely did the right thing, but it's a shame that it was essentially for nothing. I hope the girl got dumped by her fiance promptly and completely and her parents gave her a good talking to.
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You must be the change you wish to see in the world -- Mahatma Ghandi
Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress. --Mahatma Gandhi
I want to say you did the right thing, and I do believe you did, it's just maybe you did TOO MUCH of the right thing.
Nah, never mind. I would have done the same thing in probably the exact same manner. Good job.
I definatly do not think that you are stupid. At least you did something, you would have felt worse if you kept your mouth closed and it really did happen.
<3 Heather Ann
That is crazy!!! Why lie, grow up and do the right thing people! I hope that if ever one day I need someone to stand up for me I have someone like you.
You told someone which is the big thing. It made people aware of the situation. You can't feel stupid in a situation like that. Protective yes---Stupid no...
Not all "victims" pull strings either. I would know I was one.
~~~~~~~~~Life is like photography you develop from the negatives!!!~~~~~~
I don't think that I personally would have made such a big scene, but you definately did the right thing. The fact that you were loyal to a friend and was willing to even make a scene about it speaks for itself. And the response of the first guy was amazing. Not many people can have that happen to them and react that way. I don't think I could have done that. ^_^
"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment." - C.S. Lewis
Your correct. Domestic violence is never okay but making a story about being abuse is even worse because the real victim would be afraid to come foreward knowing that she bear the burden of the liar.
which remind me of this story:
http://www.wesh.com/news/15335451/detail.html
It is about a teenager who call the police to tell them to protect her from her abusive ex boyfriend and the police just shrug it off as romantic love and teenage drama. her boyfriend then kill her and himself.
Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine being in that situation. I would've flipped out on her. I mean, honestly, that is not the sort of thing you lie about. How's she going to feel in a few years when one of her friends starts getting abused by their husband and nobody does anything because nobody believes it? I hope she remembers this incident and feels an all consuming guilt, knowing that it's drama queens like herself that inspire such things.
"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."
"The mind is not a book, to be opened at will and examined at leisure."
You make it seem like being a hot-head is somewhat a bad thing, and its not. I admire people with your kind of personality because they don't take crap from people and they're their own person. And for being stupid, your not at all. You were doing the right thing trying to protect your friend. So what if she made a fool of you? You learned your lesson and she ended up being the bigger fool in the end.
The truth about life is that PEOPLE SUCK - and some more than others. It's great you feel passionate about things like that but unless you REALLY know what's going on I would just stay out of it. It's like politics, some people say they are all for a certain prop, or a candidate, what have you, but they're just jumping on the band wagon or they fail to do their research. But hey, we need passionate people in this world, too many others are sitting on their asses in front of a computer all day.
I don't think I would give that place business anymore.
I agree with the accused. It's better to make a big deal out of it and have it be false, than to find out later it was true. Doesn't sound like stupidity to me, it sounds like a friend used your relationship and personality to accomplish her means.
I don't think you're stupid and would have (and have) reacted in the exact same fashion (with or without the booze). I feel exactly the same about domestic violence. It should not be tolerated.
I also feel that those who abuse the knowledge of the fit the people like us will throw are in poor taste too though, because like you said, it causes even more problems. I do hope that you will react the same next time as well (perhaps check and make sure it's accurate, especially if it's the same friend) but I encourage you and any other girl to not allow any man to hit her.
But, I think it should be noted that it goes the other way too. Sometimes girls hit guys and that shouldn't be tolerated either.
So, good job at being a protector!!
I hope you gave the bartender's daughter a real good beating after this. After reading this story I kinda like the first guy. You did nothing wrong, you were merely trying to stand up for something you thought was right and there's no fault at that. I completely agree with what the guy told you. It's always better knowing that you did something then to sit there and just not take actions. The bar owner's daughter should be given a real good lesson about how it's bad to use other people's sympathy.
Do you still talk to that girl. Man what a dick thing to do. You should not feel at all bad about anything. You were just trying to be a good friend
The bar owner's daughter is the whole reason why when actual victims go to get help they can't get it. This saddens and angers me because domestic abuse is not just a tool to be used to get your own way. It is a dangerous and life threatening situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of because you did the right thing. But the bar owner's daughter should examine her own soul and fix the flaws that are so glaringly obvious in her own character.