Good Night, Moon. Good Night, Pillow. Good Night, Vomit in the Toilet.

I just had the worst binge of my life. It was completely random, unsatisfying, and I'm not even experiencing that brief (VERY brief) after-feeling of euphoria.

My day was horrendous. I woke up to my dad banging on my door exclaiming "It's after 10!"

I realize that for me, sleeping at this hour is pretty late. Lately, I haven't been able to physically wake up after 8:30-ish. However, on days when I'm really, really depressed, I could sleep for hours. But first of all, it's the weekend. SUNDAY, to be exact, when sleeping in is practically a necessity. And secondly, I'm 19! Who the fuck says I have to get up at the crack of dawn every day?

I felt cooped up and crazy all day. So tonight, I said "I'm getting out of here. I can't take this." And I went for a ride, to a park that my mom and I had visited. Well, it was around 9 at night, and I saw a security guy driving around, so I got scared and started sort of aimlessly driving. I stopped at about 4 drugstores on the way home, looking for ipecac. I have not found ANY in the state of California. What if I swallow poison?!?! What am I going to do then?? Anyways, while I didn't find ipecac, I found a plethory of binge food. So I didn't look like a fatass, I bought about two things at each store I went to. I started in the car, and then when I got home, went in the kitchen to get a glass of milk. My mom rushed in.

Mom: "What are you eating?"

Me: "Nothing. (Well, not at the moment. See, I wasn't lying!) Am I allowed to get a glass of milk?"

Mom: "Sure."

So I go to my room and dip some bingey food in the milk. After I run out, I go back to the kitchen and quickly swipe a spoon. I'm hoping to get a bowl too, but my mom rushes in for a second time as I'm refilling my milk glass.

Me: "What? Is another glass of milk allowed? God, Mom."

Mom: "Well, the aftermath of you bingeing is pretty terrible, so I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from happening."

I go back to my room, pour the cereal in my CUP of milk, and eat it with a spoon. Talk about a pitiful binge.

I tried throwing some up before. I only got a little bit. It's hard for me to purge. I've heard some girls that they can just bend over and it comes out, they're so used to it. Not me. Hence the desperate search for the ipecac. Left to my own devices, purging isn't as successful as I'd like it to be.

I've been extremely depressed lately. The I-hate-life-theres-nothing-to-live-for depressed. I really don't know where to go from here. I'm trapped, in this hot, humid, frustrating, non-understanding world of mine, and I can't seem to find a way out.

I'm tired. I want to try purging again, but I'm worried my mom will hear me. Maybe if I just do it a little bit, she won't notice me.

Ugh.

Good fucking night.