I know a lot of people out there have stories about rough times when they were kids. I feel for those who have been abused. I used to tell myself all the time, "At least my parents don't beat me." However, I've come to see more subtle forms of scarring as potentially just as bad.
While my Dad worked odd hours that caused him to barely see me and my sister, my Mom suffered from bouts of depression where she just sort of checked out of reality. When I was really small, I didn't blame them or myself. I just tried my hardest to make things better with my small kid ideas. I would clean the house, make dinner and make small presents for my mom. I was neglected, but created my own happy little world where I was content with being alone. It wasn't until later on in fourth grade that I encountered serious trouble. I had no concept that people loved me. My teacher loved me and told me often and her words seemed so strange to me. I latched onto her and was crushed by her death years later.
In high school things took a subtle turn. After it became apparent that my parents were not going to contribute to my education costs, I began to resent them and want out. Up until then, they had supported me with the basics, but I realized that relationship was going to end. And that's all our relationship was, so it was all ending. I went away to college and dreaded coming home to visit except to see my grandparents who I developed relationships with more in high school and college.
I was also in a serious relationship with my high school sweetheart still. We even got married right after my junior year of college. I got married because it was time and I was ready. However, a small perk was finally being totally free from the parents. I wanted a new family. I'm ashamed that it motivated my marriage even in the slightest bit. I've talked with him about it and it's not an issue. What's important is that I recognize the hold that my childhood woes still have on me.
I've moved to China to teach English for a year and I'm the farthest away from my family and all the drama. But I have found that getting outside and far away from everything has only brought forth more self-reflection and resurfacing of memories. It sounds silly, but I watched the movie Charlie Bartlett and the point in the movie when he talks about his dad being non-existent and his mom being off in the clouds jerked me back to a dark place. I had a small panic attack and wept for a long time.
So, what's a girl to do with her childhood baggage?
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
Hey well my advice would be to just tie up loose ends and resovle the issues dont leave them up in the air cause it still leaves room to wonder "what if". . . or "maybe". . . . or you could to what i did and just forger about the whole thing and just keep telling yourself it has made you a better person, not to be like my life was worse or anything becuase no matter how small or how big its still a problem to the person it happenend to but just to give you a idea of what i did. . .
My dad left when i was 2 he is very wealty and everytime i try to talk to him he just throws money at me to shut me up i cant remember the last time he has told me he loves me . . . . My mother was never really there for me either it was was really hard for her to be since she was a single mother, but my childhood never got better either i was raped my my uncle and by one of my best friends and was abused later by my stepdad, who in turn abused my mother . . . and when i would try to ask my real dad for help he just said it was my fault, i did run away but that didnt last for that long . . . Now i just look back and see how strong of a person it has made me i wouldnt change my childhood and their is nothing i regret i mean i would have liked things to be different but then i wouldnt be the person i am today . . . . I just see it as a positive and not something bad . . . . . Listen to yourself you need no ones approval or anyones love but your own when it comes down to it, If the people in your life that you wanted to be close to didnt return the favor then its their fault and something they will have to live with . . . . . . . . . went a soap box sorry im really bored and its late at night LOL
peace have a great day
Hey well my advice would be to just tie up loose ends and resovle the issues dont leave them up in the air cause it still leaves room to wonder "what if". . . or "maybe". . . . or you could to what i did and just forger about the whole thing and just keep telling yourself it has made you a better person, not to be like my life was worse or anything becuase no matter how small or how big its still a problem to the person it happenend to but just to give you a idea of what i did. . .
My dad left when i was 2 he is very wealty and everytime i try to talk to him he just throws money at me to shut me up i cant remember the last time he has told me he loves me . . . . My mother was never really there for me either it was was really hard for her to be since she was a single mother, but my childhood never got better either i was raped my my uncle and by one of my best friends and was abused later by my stepdad, who in turn abused my mother . . . and when i would try to ask my real dad for help he just said it was my fault, i did run away but that didnt last for that long . . . Now i just look back and see how strong of a person it has made me i wouldnt change my childhood and their is nothing i regret i mean i would have liked things to be different but then i wouldnt be the person i am today . . . . I just see it as a positive and not something bad . . . . . Listen to yourself you need no ones approval or anyones love but your own when it comes down to it, If the people in your life that you wanted to be close to didnt return the favor then its their fault and something they will have to live with . . . . . . . . . went a soap box sorry im really bored and its late at night LOL
peace have a great day
I totally agree with you about being positive. I came to the same conclusion. I don't regret all the things that happened since it formed me into the person I am today. My mentor encouraged me in an activity that shed some light. She wanted me to entertain the idea that we actually choose our parents before we come into the world. If so, there might be a reason why I chose my parents. Given this, I think I chose them so that I could be free to be me. Since my parents didn't really raise me, I formed all my own opinions and have grown comfortable with my authentic self. I cherish this. I wouldn't have it if they had been demanding parents. In this way, I thank them and love them. I forgived them a long time ago and have ok relationships with them now. However, the resurfacing of scars is a problem that I currently can't see past and also see no need in repressing again. I plan to seek professional help, but I felt like throwing it out there on the blog.
Further, I feel that I do need their love. They are my parents. I know they love me, but I guess I have to get past the fact that I didn't feel the love as a child. In your case, it seems different. Maybe you don't literally need your parents love. I personally think we are incomplete without love, but we can get it from another source besides our parents.
I agree that you need love from another human being at some point or another then your life kinda would seem to be a little pointless . . . I found love in my 2 bestfriends and the person im engaged to . .
-Sean Ryan Donnelly-
Have a great day
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/seandonnelly
It helps immensely.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Get a shrink. Seriously. Therapy can be incredibly helpful. But make sure you get a shrink who listens to you and who you feel you can trust and open up to. Unfortunately, some of them suck.
And I completely agree that psychological abuse is often just as bad - even worse - as physical or sexual abuse. Your parents don't need to hit you to make you despise yourself. They don't need to rape you to make you want to kill yourself.
Reboot your brain!
It is far more effective than to go and seek professional help.
Like Kiota said, some of them suck!
You can effectively reboot your brain over a weekend, but all will depend if you can withdraw yourself from your daily activities and find solitude to get this thing started.
If you wish to know how, I would be happy to outline how to do this.
;-)
Please outline away!
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
To get better it needs to get worse first, do keep I mind that you aren’t sick!
You are suffering from emotional trauma which has been inflicted upon you during the course of our life. To get to the core of this trauma will allow you to create an understanding this doesn’t has to affect your emotional state any longer.
To reboot means to untangle the way your brain has wired itself around all the different emotions you have been going trough from birth until this day.
I presume you are still in your 20nies so it will and can be quite easy to get yourself trough this process.
In order to heal you need to go back to your first childhood memory and work your way up. This needs to be done in solitude, meaning you need to find yourself a place where you won’t be distracted or disturbed during the course of this process.
It is important you can find a peaceful place in order to venture back to all of the memories that affect your daily thoughts and life.
Whether you use your computer or a notebook is unimportant.
In your thoughts try to go back to your first memory and bring back up the emotion you attach to it.
Whether emotions that come up are negative or positive is of no matter, if they are good or bad the importance lies into bringing back up the emotion you attach to them.
Work your way up from childhood where you can remember and feel it affects you when bringing it back to surface.
When pain kicks in, don’t try to fight it, let it come out, tears will be filled with what you need to get out of your system.
By writing it down, awareness will follow and guide you to deeper emotions while bring up situations you seemed to have forgotten.
Your views upon all you have been trough will become different and therefore untangle all of the conflicts the cause in your life.
It is painful but once you are finished and done with it, the relief and peace of mind that will manifest itself will be amazing.
Not only will you come out to become a much stronger person, but new energy will be felt making all of those memories to fade to something which once was but no longer something in control of your emotional state.
To go through this process alone is a must, bring it all up again, bring up the pain and it will settle itself, leaving you in peace.
Good luck,
I liked your kitty icon better. Scary Chuckie makes me, well, scared. Go back to kitties! They can be war kittens, if you like.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Thanks guys for all the feedback. I totally plan on seeking professional help as I mentioned to SeanDonnelly. Great Irish name by the way. Right?
I'm totally open to other means too such as wombels' suggestion about "rebooting my brain." I've done a lot of self-knowledge work with my issues and I'm a firm believer that I have the tools within me to overcome anything and most of the work should be done by me.
www.progressiveu.org/blog/americangirlinchina
Wow lady.
Well 1st of all you're not alone.
I grew up in a house of neglect/abuse that sounds strikingly familiar. It's funny because I posted recently about not wanting to go "home" to that place, and someone out there responded with her own story and advice. It helped connect me. And YOU are not alone in the situation either. You did live your past, but it doesn't have to come up to trap you with every triggered memory.
If you're thinking about it, maybe its time to turn back and give it credit. why not just think it through as you need to. Have you been partially ignoring/supressing it? Then let it run its course, and you'll be able to breathe through it. If that's not the case, then let it go, let it go in the sense that its not doing anything for you anymore, theres nothing more to glean from a past you lived and lost. That you still came out as YOU.
You're also clearly doing much to create real and positive change in the world around.
You make the effort to, and do communicate real sentiments with your partner, you teach(helping others, as your parents couldn't help you), and travel too.
..Don't fall into the trap the people in your past set up through their actions: just because they couldn't appreciate you, doesn't mean you're not worth appreciation. So pat yourself on the back and notice what you do a bit, as well! Just breathe, its okay. Your worth is not necessarily contingent on them anymore!
Sometimes the reason we feel emotionally starved from past events or people, is because we can't look back and appreciate ourselves anyway, or who we're become.
It's a shame your family life sucked, but don't let it suck anything NOW from you. Because you are awesome.
Take care.
p.s. i had a breakdown, and the best advice i got from my boyfriend was "I try to look at past times in my life from the perspective of how i learned from/feel about it NOW, rather than how it felt to be in the state then. ...and hence...I'm able to love you now, baby."