When she comes home she has a routine. I can't remember when this nightly ritual started, but it wasn't always like this. She used to be fun. She used to play and laugh with us. Now she walks through the door, pours a glass, changes her clothes and turns on the t.v., pours another, starts to cook dinner, pours another, watches t.v. while dinner cooks, during a commercial break, pours another, with dinner another glass, after dinner another glass, finally one more glass before bed.
She might polish off a bottle a night. I don't count anymore. I have become comfortably numb. When the lazy drunk comes home we usually don't say much. I go to night school or work anyway, so we never get a chance to share the moment together. When the angry drunk comes home there are problems. Everything is a problem, from work to our family, to my cat.
I've noticed how controlling she is when she drinks. Much more controlling than she is during the day. That speaks in volumes, believe me.
I try to brush it off.
I have my own life to live.
But it's hard to live you life when your puppet master runs a drunken operation.
Nothing is fun anymore. It's loud. It's yelling, and tears. It's confusing, and sad. It hurts.
I can't stand to look at my own mother sometimes.
getting more all out : daughter of a drunken hair dresser
By ashmoney - Posted on March 15th, 2008
I swear the more I read the more I feel like people understand...this is virtually my mom too...well was...I don't talk to her anymore...but she never cooked (I raised my siblings from the time I was 12)..and she often didn't come home...I used to have call around to the neighbors at 4 in the morning to find out where she had passed out for the night...but it really hurt all of us...I started picking up almost every imaginable bad habit...but she's pretty much cut out of my life now...she left us at the neighbors 6 years ago for a few days so she could go meet her online b/f and she just never came back...but I definitely know where you are coming from
That's hard. I'm sorry. It's hard when your mom is gone... But still there.
yeah...idk...I've tried making it better...but have come to the conclusion that my life is better without her...but it has to be harder living in the same house with the problem...it's like having no "appropriate" way of escaping it...hopefully things get better for you though
It's a support group for family of alcoholics. I think in some cities there are groups specifically for adult children of alcoholics, too. It's good to talk it out and gain some perspective from others who've been through it.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
My father is an alcoholic, and I don't think I'd have been able to write about it while still living at home. It's so good for you that you did; it shows you have the ability to cope, you have some resilience, and you are less likely to internalize it. Writing is cathartic, and to do so in a public forum is brave and rewarding. You'll hopefully find people who can relate, and feel less lonely. I tried to hide it from everyone when I was younger. It didn't work. Everyone still knew, and I was left with no one to talk to about it because I wouldn't acknowledge it. So, go you! Keep working it out!
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Well thanks Ediblewoman, that means a lot. However, I wouldn't call what I do coping. I would say I take a more cowardly approach and try to ignore it all together. I mean, I have tried to speak up, I tried moving out. Nothing changed. She doesn't have a problem in her eyes. As we all know, the first step is admitting it; she can't be helped if she doesn't want it.
Don't sell yourself short. You may not be confronting her directly about it, but that is part of survival in your household, no? You ARE thinking about your situation, writing about it, and working out for yourself where she ends and you begin. That can be a really hard distinction for children of alcoholics, but it seems like you are working on it. That is coping, and it is not cowardly.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman