Dec 13, 1996, 2:01am
There are times when I just can not deal with everything and I break down and cry. Luckily no one has seen me like this exempt once. It seems all my problems get backed up like a dam and eventually it will burst. When that happens I lose it.
One of the causes of the emotional build up is when I have to watch my friends and loving when I am empty. Another problem is I feel people don’t take me serious, just because I am not interested in the same things as they are, people judge me as weird and anti-social, or too strait forward. All I of the battles I have fought just to be my own person are pointless if some one judges me before the get to know me.
Later,
T
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No one wants others to see them at there weakest, even when they can help you with your burden. My problem was at the time there was no one to help. My friends were not in the same state, my one brother was on the coast of the US, and the other was too young. I dealt with my problems by myself. How the hell did I survive without losing my mind? Wait a minute I think I did. In all actuality I got a little bit of clarity. When I did stop crying and look at my life I discovered is was not all that bad. I knew who my true friend where. One friend came back into town to stay. I got a better handle on how deal with life’s ups and downs. I also realized I can deal with anything bad that comes along. Bad stuff comes along; people are going to feel sad. It will go away. I have had other heart aches. I have had other relationship go down hill, even though I still love the person. I survive, somehow, someway I survive.
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This blog-it makes me feel like i've known you my whole life, even though we have never met. Maybe it is because you and I are very alike in some ways. I too have had difficult life experiences-some of which a grown adult may never experience. I may only be a senior in high school, but i was never as happy as i am today. I was depressed all through out highschool up until now. I was what people would consider a rebel. My father and I absolutely hated each other and i took my hatred of him out by using drugs and alcohol. I soon found out that these only gave me a short-lived euphoria and when my problems all came back i was even more depressed than i was before. I can't even remember how many times i thought of killing my self-but eventually i finally looked in the mirror and saw what i was doing to my body. I found help, and i turned to God. Yes- an 18-year-old former drug user is talking about God. He saved my life. He is the only thing that matters. When ever I'm sad i just sit down and think about how much God loves me, and that no matter what people say- He will always be there for me, and when my time comes i know that he has a place for me in heaven where everything is perfect. What I'm telling you is that, no matter how bad things get...no matter how much you want to just break down and cry, remember one thing- God is with you, and he will ease you of any pain and suffering you are going through because he loves you, but you must accept his love in order to recieve it...
*I hope things keep getting better for you and that maybe this helped a little!
-x-Rose-x-
First I want to say thank you for you kind words. The original journal entries are from 1996. Don't feel so bad for me. I am in a better mood. I have better friends then the ones I lost and have done better things. Soon I will be turning 40, I hear that is win life really begins. Keep reading and if any of my pain and the wisdom helps someone some where then I am happy to have share my life with them.