look at the tree. look how it grows. from just one seed, something so small. it forms strong roots, long branches, grows leaves to make it distinct, identifiable. it is not perfect, but it is beautiful in its imperfection. nothing can tear it down.
except for a fire. or it could be cut down to decorate someone's living room in december. its branches can get ripped off by children swinging, playing. it can get sick, rot, and slowly lose its life.
and if none of that happens, it will always die in winter. always.
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Feeling kind of shitty. Not completely sure why. If--and this is a BIG if--I make it through tonight, it will be 9 whole days with no bingeing or purging.
Which means it is day 8.
I hate day 8. It always fucks me up. Got 8 days before going to Harmony Grove and bam! It happened the next morning. In July, I got 8 days, then on the 9th I had the most violent, horrendous, ipecac induced binge and purge session that left me thinking I might die that night.
And here it is again.
I woke up to a kitchen shouting "EAT ME! EAT ME!" I heard it from the huge ass tub of cookies my mom bought yesterday, the ice cream in the freezer, and the 100-calorie packs of Reese's peanut butter sticks (they have peanut butter sticks? Who knew?) on the counter. I'm sure my mom bought these thinking "Only 100 calories! Angie will love them!"
Yeah. That only works if you eat one of them. The box has 28. Guess how many I can down?
I wonder if I could purge ALL 28 of them? And if so, how would I know? They all look the same. I could get 27 and a half of them up and think I'm in the clear. This is the tricky thing: what I like to call "The Barf and Check." Binge on certain types of food, then make a check list while vomiting: Orange? Got the Doritos! Brown? Reese's Peanut Butter Cup cereal! Black? Oreos! And you don't need to use your color identification skills to know when milk comes back up. Believe me, you'll know. Eck.
The good thing is that I'm starting to feel better about myself. Without the bingeing and purging, my face looks a lot better, at least in my opinion. It doesn't have that swollen look. And I feel good in the morning. Like, hey! I didn't do something I have to be completely ashamed of.
It's tough shit though. All the crappy emotions are still there, just no behaviors. So whoo! for allowing myself to feel like shit.
I've been thinking about him constantly. That night in the car, seats folded back. My hand in his.
"Guess what's the same tonight as it was the night we met?" I ask.
"I can think of something that's the same as the day AFTER we met. I was wearing this shirt," he says.
"You say I don't remember anything. I was wearing this shirt the day we met!"
"Oh, yeah," he recalls. We look at each other. And smile.
Maybe he knows I'm back. I think he might. But I don't want him to know that I know, you know? What if he wants to see me? That would require a) trying on my cute clothes to see if they fit and b) going shopping for something in a bigger size if the clothes I own don't wind up fitting. And what if it's all "Oh, you're kind of fat now. Bye." He's not shallow. I don't think. But I have all these What ifs?!? running through my head.
What if he has a girlfriend/potential girlfriend?
What if he doesn't want to see me?
What if he DOES want to see me?
What if he doesn't have a girlfriend, and STILL doesn't want to see me??
What if he DOES have a girlfriend, and want to see me as a "Let's be friends!" type of thing?!?!? I think this might be the worst one of all.
Ughghghgh.
I have a thing for public breakdowns. Target, Wal-Mart, and tonight at the movie theatre. I don't know what it is. My head hurts and I feel hot.
I need sleep. My brain needs a break.
