Nov. 16, 1996 10:55 pm
I am a little more awake then last night, but then again after staying up for 26 hours you would be dead to. What sucks was I finally got to bed then to sleep for 4 hours and then I was wide awake for about 2. This lifestyle is going to kill me sooner or later. One of the things I hate about my life is I will go for a long time not thinking about any of the girls I wanted to go out with, then I will have trouble remember their names. Then when I do remember, all of the bad feeling I have come flooding back. It seems lately I have been getting more depressed. Take for instance Lucinda, I know her through various people and she stops in at Piasa after she comes home from work. She gave me her work number and I have called a couple of times, but she always seem to be busy or just can’t talk. I asked her to stop by tonight so I could ask her out, but there is no sign of her. Some times I wonder why I bother. I was telling Bill that I am really tired of this area because there is too many bad memories. I know it sounds like I am running away from my problems. I look at it as starting over and moving on.
If I had follow my advice I would have left this area. I am glad that I don’t. By not leaving I got to meet better friends, was in a no budget movie, www.gameheadsmovie.com yes another shameless plug) and been in a few more failed relationships. Am I sad that they did not work out? Yes to some, but most of them are me wondering what the hell I was thinking. Wait I know I was looking for someone so I would not be lonely. That was why they ended, I was being selfish, I was putting my needs first. What I should have been doing was being there for whoever will have me. I needed to complete someone else’s life. When will this happen? I wish I new, but until then I wait. It is hard at times standing on the sidelines watching the game. (for those who don’t get what I wrote. It is a metaphor). Maybe I just am the coach. Helping others with there performance, or maybe I am just waiting for the right girl to find me. I anyone my happen to know where she is point her toward my direction.
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