Have you even been used to having that person there for you, the one person that when you have a shitty day, you come home and call them and they make it better. I'm not going to say that i loved him and i'm not going to talk about love. I dated a guy for 7 years, 7 years of my life were with one person. He died in a car accident where the seat belt broke his neck, I no longer were a seat belt, EVER. Something about it scares me. My reasoning for writting this is because I had a scary dream last night, a nightmare and I had no one there to comfort me, the nightmare was about him. The nightmare was the most vivid dream that i have ever had...i woke up covered in sweat and shaking, all i could do was cry, i didn't want to go back to sleep incase i had the dream again. Why is this still happening...it's been a year and a half!?! Why do things haunt people so....someone fix this for me....Did i love him and it's my hearts way of telling me! After his death i wanted to never forget him, i got his name tattooed on my body, some say that it's stupid, but he was mine. At the funeral, i was put on the spot and asked to come say something nice...I had just collected myself when this happened...I walked up to the mic and started with HELLO, so tim was...I started crying and could not stop, sobbing his name and that he was all mine, he was my tim...these were no regular tears...these were waterfalls rolling down my face! I had to run away but there were hundreds of people watching me, i started to walk away, made 2 steps and couldn't even move...I was froozen in place, no where to go and no one to help me...i fell to the floor and cried while other tried to comfort me, but it wasn't MY tim...it wasn't anyone important.
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i fear this of my best friend... every day.
i love him. he's the only person i've ever been in love with. he's the only person who i have connected with perfectly. he is the person i have climbed a lighthouse with and sat on the top to look out to the beach and laugh so hard until we can't breathe. but it's unrequitted, and the more and more we're around each other and the closer and closer we get, the more and more it hurts.
so i cut him off. or i tried. it lasted less than 48 hours.
i got so worried that what i was doing was wrong. what if something tragic happened to him while i wasn't speaking to him? i called him and told him i missed him and that cutting him off was stupid. but now i'm back to square one. ugh.
i can't even fathom how you feel.
I appoligize if I sound like a know-it-all, I don't. I'm just here to voice an opinion and most importantly, I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your lost. First and foremost, sufferings and pain goes hand in hand. Everyone is scared of something or a lot of things. In this case, you're like the millions out there afraid, afraid of tomorrow, of the sufferings that's to come. However, we all need to learn to relax, step back, and analyze the world a little better. Why shouldn't we be grateful that something that special has happened? Everything ends... somehow... sometime... and mostly unexpected. The best thing to do is to go out and enjoy nature... feel the world... suprise yourself with the unexpected of life's necessities. Everyone falls hard and sometimes bleeds... the tough part as always is to stand up again. There are no changes to be made on what has happened but there are things that can emerge from what has happened. We all need to find a way to not let the pain and suffering plague us, making us cruel to the world and people around us. It's EASY TO GIVE IN BUT HARD TO SURPASS AND SURFACE.
I wish you all the best of luck, I'm also experiencing some sorrows, but I don't believe I'm as strong as you are to post and share whats within.
Its not stupid, and you are a wonderful person for holding Tim close and remembering him so well.
"What would I like to tell you? That I didn’t get what I looked for: to gather all of us naked on the earthly pastures under the endless light of suspended time without that form which confines me as it once confined you." =Milosz