"Je rêve de toi" My internal struggle with myself and conflicts with men.

"Je rêve de toi."

"I dream about you."

Each dream seems real, and sometimes I wish it could be.

After all, in my dreams, you actually see me.

In my waking hours, I am invisible; just another listless body wandering the streets, going about my business.

How is it that we seem so much more alive in our dreams than our actual life? Maybe this is only true for me. I am truly a dreamer.

If only you could see me. Open your eyes. See me; not for my iron exterior, but beyond. Look past the flesh and bone, the oh-so-shallow depths that only run skin deep. See me for the beauty that's withheld inside, in my heart, in my soul. I only wish you could see me.

But wait--- Am I wishing that YOU, exclusively, could see me? Or am I wishing for ANYONE to see me? Even I do not know the answer to this question. I am puzzled by this riddle.

What IS the definition of happiness? I thought I was happy, now I'm not so sure.

"People start bringing you down enough, you start to believe it... the bad stuff is easier to believe." -Pretty Woman

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This was a bulletin I posted on my Myspace page. I never thought it would turn into a blog on here. This is a very personal subject for me, so it's kind of hard just to put all this on here. The following is my reply to a message a friend sent me regarding this bulletin. He wanted to know what sparked this deep, insightful, and rather melancholy bulletin. Here is my reply...

I'm really into this guy who doesn't know I exist. I have dreams about him though, and in my dreams he not only sees me, but feels for me. It just makes me feel like the only way I'll ever be with this guy is in my dreams.

I only see him once a day, IF that. And only for a few seconds. I've never really spoken to him, because I have no idea what to say to him. If anything happens, I want it to be natural, not forced. I'm afraid I'll make a fool of myself. I don't want to have a relationship with someone that's based solely upon my lust for them. I want to get to know him, but how can I do that when I hardly ever see him?

Then again, the part where I said "But wait. Am I wishing for you- exclusively- to see me......"

That was me asking myself if maybe I only want this guy because I'm- dare I say- desperate for affection. I hate the word desperate, because in my mind, I'm not DESPERATE, just anxious. Anxious for that right person to come along. Someone brave enough to approach me, and just try to get to know me.

There's this other guy who I kind of like, and he kind of talks to me, but a best friend of mine has a sister who's had a HUGE thing for him for the longest time, and I don't want her to hate me because I 'interfered'.

Then again, why should I just stand by and let these opportunities pass? Why can't I be bold and daring, and just take a chance for once?

Sometimes when I pass a hot guy in the mall, I just want to go up to him and say, "My god, you're hot." So why don't I just do it? Just say it? The answer festers deep below my consious mind. Deep enough to where it's not screamingly obvious, but shallow enough to where I can just barely make out the words of the thought through the murky waters. The thought that keeps me from complimenting guys is this: "If you draw attention to yourself, they'll only see you for your exterior, which they'll probably make fun of as soon as you walk away. They'll turn to their friends and say, 'Some fat chick just said I was hot. Pathetic.'"

That's how I feel. That's why I don't assert myself. I'm scared as hell of rejection of any sort. But who says I'm going to be rejected right away? If I don't actually take a chance, how can I know how they'll react? I don't! So why don't I just do it? Because I'm always fighting with myself about this, and the cowardly side of me usually wins. I'm shielding myself SO MUCH from getting hurt that I'm sabotaging my own chances to find love, and then I get all sad and mopey because I can't find anyone. Well whose fault is that? MINE! I won't LET anyone close enough to see if they might be a nice guy. I automatically look for faults in a guy to use as excuses as to why i shouldn't be attracted to them. "Oh, this guy smokes. Too bad. He was cute. Oh well."

And there's always a part of me that reaffirms what my mother says:
"You're too young for love..."

"You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't need to rush into things right now..."

"You don't need a man to make you happy..."

Also, the quote from Pretty Woman that I have at the end of my bulletin mainly refers to myself. "People" meaning myself. I added that quote because I put myself down a lot. I don't take compliments very well; especially on my physical appearance, mainly because i don't recieve them on a regular basis. In fact, I hardly recieve them at all. So when I hear my mom say "You're beautiful." I can't help but think things like "You HAVE to say that because you're my mother." and "If I'm so beautiful, why don't I have guys lined up around the block for me?" And I know for a fact that I'm not the only adolescent that experiences this. Even boys do, I'm sure. I just need justification that there are, indeed, people who feel the same way as I.

Part of me really wants a relationship with someone. What I'm trying to figure out is... does it matter to me whom I have the relationship with? Do I want these people sincerely because I want THEM, or do I want these people because I want a relationship, and they're the best candidates? I'm so screwed up. This is just wrong and twisted. This is another reason why part of me doesn't want a relationship. I don't know what kind of a person would want to put up with such a complicated mind as my own. It would be really hard to bear with me. I'm always over-analyzing things and I'm over suspicious and paranoid and the list goes on. None of these are very flattering traits that a guy looks for in a girl. Nonetheless, I have them. It comes with the package; complete with insecurity, low self-esteem, and an "overly curvy" (aka- overwieght) body. I just think I'm too diffucult to deal with that guys won't even try to, or if they do try, they'll just give up and look for something easier.

I want a relationship, but I just don't think I'm mentally mature enough to have one that will work. Then again, I've NEVER had a relationship that's lasted over two months. I am 18 years old and I've only ever had TWO relationships. Two boyfriends (and they were both awful. A bucket of yuck. Toads, if you will, who did not turn into princes.) And that was about two, almost three years ago. So how can I expect myself to become mentally mature for a working relationship if I never have relationships? No one has asked me out in almost three years. Why?

This is a viscious, cruel cycle. I don't have guys lined up around the block; therefore, I wonder why, and I blame my physical appearance for it. My self esteem goes down. And everyone knows that guys usually only like girls who are self-confident. >>>Self confident is not me<<<

This is exhausting. It's another reason why part of me just wants to completely avoid relationships at all costs. It's hard work! But then I think to myself, "Does it really have to be this hard?" if a relationship is this hard to get through, maybe it's not the right one for you.

Hope is something that I have lost. No hope is better than false hope. Wishful thinking.

I had an unrequited relationship with a guy once, and this blog you're reading right now is an example of the results of it. It did a lot of damage to me. Damage that still hasn't quite healed yet.

I'm in a mood for writing poetry now. It helps me deal with this kind of stuff.

*end rant* (for now, I guess)

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