Know your mood

No, this isn't some hippie-dippie diatribe on centering yourself or whatever.  I recommend acid for that (maybe I do endorse them).

This is a rant about grammar.  Before I begin, I will address the questions that some of you who haven't tuned out might have in your head:

1) What the hell does grammar have to do with the mission of this site?

Language is the fundemental building block of thought.  We convey ideas in terms of language, and therefore, language must have some form of regularity to it in order for ideas to be conveyed as best as they can.

2) What does grammar have to do with "knowing your mood"?

If you're asking this question, then this blog is certainly for you.  The mood of a verb determines how your expressing an idea.  In English, we have three distinct moods: indicative, interrogative, and subjunctive.  Most people have no problem with the indicative or interrogative moods.

The indicative mood is your normal, run-of-the-mill statement.  Most people have no problem forming sentences in the indicative mood because this mood is the very foundation of the English language.  Without the indicative mood, we would have no way of expressing what is true.  Needless to say, it's the most common mood in the English language, and the one people commonly default to when they don't know how to form a subjunctive.

The interrogative mood is used for commands.  Most English speakers have no problem forming this mood either, probably because people like telling other people what to do.  It's also remarkably easy in comparison to other languages.  This mood uses the verb's bare stem (go, do, write, listen, etc.) without a subject (often, linguists will say that there is an implied 'you' as the subject).

For some reason, the subjunctive mood gives native English speakers the most trouble.  Many English speakers aren't even aware that it exists.  The main reason for this is how English verbs are formed.  Regular verbs only have four forms based on their tense: present active (also known as the verb stem, mentioned above), present participle (going, doing, writing, listening, etc.), past tense (went, did, wrote, listened, etc.), and past participle (gone, done, written, listened).

Now, English is a strange language in that instead of forming tenses and moods by changing the verb itself, it adds auxiliary or modal verbs (have, has, was, were, is, are, might, could, etc.) instead.  The perfect tense, which expresses a past event not occuring over a length of time, is formed by inserting a form of the modal verb 'to have' before the main verb of the sentence (I have gone to the store).

Most modal forms fall into the indicative mood because English is lazy like that.  However, when we're dealing with the subjunctive mood, things get a little tricky.  Before I continue, I'll explain what the subjunctive mood is (probably should have done that when I first mentioned it).  The subjunctive mood expresses an event that has the potential to occur.  Often you'll see this mood in sentences with words like 'if' or with acts of wishing.  Essentially, the subjunctive mood expresses an event that may happen but has the potential not to happen, or an event that didn't happen but could have.

When dealing with this mood, there are four forms: present, past, pluperfect, and future.

The terms 'present' and 'past' are misleading because they express the verb's form rather than the actual meaning behind them.

The present subjunctive is used to express potential or failed commands or requests.  It's formed in one of two ways.  When the subject of the subjunctive clause is doing the action, the stem of the verb is used.  When the actor is someone or something other than the subject, the modal verb 'be' in front of the past participle of the main verb in the subjunctive clause:

We insist that he leave at once.

I vote that the man be hanged. ('Hanged is the appropriate past participle when referring to the hanging of a person.)

The past subjunctive is used to express a hypothesis or a wish.  It's formed by putting the modal verb 'were' (regardless of the subject) in front of the present participle of the verb:

If I were going to the party, I'd be there by now.

I wish it were snowing.

There is an exception to the rule.  If the main verb of the clause is a linking verb (was, has, have, did, etc.), then only the plural past participle form of the verb is used (were, had, did):

If I were a rich man, all day long I'd buy the stuff I see.

Don't you wish your girlfriend were a freak like me?

The future subjunctive expresses a potential event in the future.  It is formed in two ways.  The first way again uses the modal verb 'were', but instead, follows it with the main verb's infinitive (to do, to go, to write, to listen, etc.)  The second way uses the modal verb 'should' followed by the verb stem.  The meaning doesn't really change depending on which method you choose:

If I were to go to the party, would I be able to buy more acid?

If I should die, please make jokes at my funeral; it's only fair.

The pluperfect subjunctive expresses an event that could have taken place, but didn't and is usually used in hypotheticals or wishes.  It's it formed by inserting 'had' before the past participle of the main verb:

If I had gone to the party, I would have had too much alcohol.

If I had had too much alcohol, I wouldn't have been able to drive myself home.

I still wish that I had gone to the party.

So, there you have it.  How to form and use a subjunctive.  Now, since you have all been fairly warned, I reserve the right flip out on anyone who doesn't use the subjunctive when he should.