Once a Badass, Always a Badass: Day 29

Contrary to popular belief and to the title of this note, I haven't ALWAYS been a badass. Sure, I've had my moments of rebellion (the whole Hot Topic tee shirt incident comes to mind), but I've always been a slave to authority. A bitch to the establishment.

However, today--as I approach the end of my "100% structure" program here at the HG, I broke not just one rule.....BUT TWO.

That's right, baby. Dos. Deux. Zei (However the hell you spell "two" in German). But let me back up, before I get ahead of myself....

Laura and I were on the way to the gym when I noticed that the gas was low. And when I say "Low", I really mean that it was on E and the little gas light thing was on. Oops. We were mid-freeway at this point, and all I could picture was two helpless, Ed-stricken girls with no cell phones stranded in the middle of San Diego. Oh, and I hadn't showered, so if we were going to get some guy to pull over and help us, it WOULDN'T be because of me.

Anyways, after looking FOREVER (i.e. 5 minutes) for a gas station, we decided "Eh, we'll find one after the gym. At least then if we run out of gas, we'll have worked out." Ahh, once an Ed-infested mind, always an Ed-infested mind. Anyhoo, we got to the gym, did our workout thing (and let me just say: Why the HELL do old women find it necessary to change their bras extremely slowly and with no hint of shame when in the dressing room??? When I have to do a little switcharoo from a regular bra to a sports one, I do that shit so fast and cover up any single remotely scandalous part of my body to make sure you can't see ANYTHING. That's reserved for the select few, my friends). Anyway, on the way back, we got to a gas station, and Laura said "I really want a pop."

This, by the way, is her cute Missourian way of meaning "soda." Which we're not allowed to have.

"Me too!!!" I cried. "I won't tell if you won't." So under the cloak of secrecy, we each indulged in a diet beverage from the gas station. We chugged it in the car and then threw it away at a 7-11 before getting back to the house.

Tee hee.

Then, after being forced to go to the grocery store, Megan told us we were allowed to get a decaf coffee. I guess I must've forgotten to order decaf (heh), because my coffee was sprinkled with the goodness of caffeine. Ahhh, two rules broken in one day. And I'm on the brink of "freedom". How lame.

So I had like this major freak out today. How strange, huh? We were in group, and I was like "Fuck this. Fuck everything. I'm moving back to Wisconsin!!" I was even set on how I was going to tell my parents. But then, after thinking about it for a few hours (and making a list of pros and cons---ahh, I can't escape my list-making ways), I decided I have a lot to stay for here. A lot. And to give that up would be hard. Extremely hard.

Part of me is just extremely pissed at my parents. I decided I'm going to distance them for a while. I'm guilty of having a bit of a dramatic streak (shocking, I know), but I decided I'll just be passive and not contact them. If they call me, I'll just explain I need distance. Which means I'll NEVER have to do that seeing as they never call.

My favorite phrase for today? "If I wasn't already a legal adult, I'd set myself up for adoption." A bit of a mouthful, I know, but that didn't stop me from saying it multiple times to different people today.

Today at the AA meeting, Nicola and I passed the time by making a drawing. She drew something on a piece of paper, I added to it, and so on. Our second one took up the last 30 minutes of the meeting, thank God, and it turned out really beautiful.

Nicola's going to stay for a while, which I'm selfishly really glad about. I'd miss her too much if she left soon.

Last night we were on our own for dinner. The staff lady didn't show up (and apparently got fired!! Ahahaha!! I hate you, Annette, and your mountain-sized portions of pasta you make us eat!!!) and so we held each other accountable. I was SO stressed about this. I'd had a horrible day, was tempted more than I'd been in so long to act on my behaviors, and now there's not a staff member present during dinner?!?!?! Goddamn, point me to the nearest bathroom.

But after surviving all that, I feel so much better. And more trustful of myself. Last night, I went to bed feeling like shit. But after looking at yesterday in a more objective manner, I realize that I did a lot yesterday that I'm proud of. I got stressed, talked about it, and didn't act on any behaviors.

Today in group, we had to pick a body part we liked and loved.

Like--my toes, my hands, my lips.

Love--my eyebrows, my feet, my eyes, my hair.

The "real" body parts (legs, butt, arms, stomach, etc.), I couldn't stand to think about. It made me too uncomfortable. We had to touch areas of our bodies (get your mind out of the gutter) that we're uncomfortable with and name its function.

"These are my legs, they allow me to dance, walk, and stand," to make us more appreciative of these parts. This exercise really helped me. I have this thing with my arms. They're an area that I'm so scared and paranoid about getting fat, and during the exercise today, I wrote "I love my arms because they allow me to write." When I realized this, it felt like a first kiss, an advance in a paycheck, and a marriage proposal all at once. I was like "Damn. I LOVE my arms." Two seconds later, of course, I was thinking "But I can write with skinny arms!!!"

Good old Ed. Always rationalizing everything.

I also said I love my arms because they allow me to high-five (one of my favorite past times), I love my thighs because they allow me to dance (stunningly well, might I add), and I love my hips because with them, I can swivel. Yes, swivel.

It's weird. I'm trying to accept my body. Right now, I'm at the stage where I don't think about it as much, but I still can't stand to look at it. I wear baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants. It's one thing to try to accept your body in theory and a completely different thing to LOOK at your body and accept it. A few sideways glances are all I can manage, at least for now.

I want to LOVE my body. I want to be like "Yeah, I've got hips. And THEY'RE HOT!!!" I used to have a ghetto booty and big boobs. When I tell people this now, they're like "Hahaha, really?!" The truth is, I'm still not used to NOT having boobs. Seriously. I'm always like "Oh, yeah. Forgot they're not there anymore."

I guess I can just try it out. See how it works. Eat healthy, work out. Not get fat, but maybe get more curves? I'm just nervous about shopping. The thought of going up a size causes me severe anxiety. I know it shouldn't. Who cares? But I start fretting over EVERYTHING:

Guys will think I'm disgusting.
Every girl that's skinnier than me is a better person and more successful.
If I don't accomplish something, it's obviously because I'm a fat failure.

All these things are LUDACRIS, of course. I know, I know. Hopefully, I'll get to the point where I can just like what I see in the mirror, not care, and get on with life.

I realized today that in exactly one month it will be my birthday. THE BIG 1-9!!! Aka, the most anti-climatic birthday in one's life. Nothing new happens when you're 19 that didn't happen at 18. It made me think of my 18th birthday, 11 months ago today. I remember I cried. I don't even remember why. But all I can think about is sitting on Amber's bed for like 2 hours and SOBBING about my so called "miserable" life.

Sigh. So young. So naive.

I wonder what we'll do for my birthday here? My transition stage will be at the very end, but I'm pretty sure I'll still be here.

I'm thinking party, balloons, and birthday cake.

Ha ha. Eating disorder joke.

28 DAYS "SOBER" BABY!!!!

4 weeks.

Almost one month.

Happy almost-one-month anniversary, non bulimic-Angie!

Let's celebrate.