An eating disorders unit is not a warm, fuzzy place. I spent Christmas there in 1999. I called it "The Ivory Tower" upon arrival, because it was actually in the top floor of a tower at the hospital. But the princesses trapped in this tower looked like they were dying. Some of them were.
We were the only unit on the floor, because we were upsetting to other patients. People wasting away from cancer or other life-threatening diseases got angry at the pretty young women who were "doing it to themselves." We were doing it to ourselves, in a sense, but not one of us could stop it on our own.
I was lucky enough to have my own room on the ward, but most girls had to share. The very first thing they did when I arrived was empty my bag on the bed. They dug through every pocket, looking for laxatives and sharp objects. They confiscated my razor and the scissors I had brought for art projects. They also took away two tea bags and gum, because my diet was about to be completely scripted for me. I was allowed zero control in treatment. It was an important part of my recovery, but at the very beginning it felt like a complete violation.
Because I checked in after work, I had to eat my evening meal alone with a nurse. I ate half a cup of chicken noodle soup and left the crackers on the tray. The nurse then told me I had to eat everything on my tray. I had not eaten in weeks, so the dry crackers did not want to go down without a fight. I was 23 and crying over two stupid saltines. This was the low point of my life.
I asked to go back to my room when I finished. The nurse told me I would have to earn the privilege to leave the day room. I was ushered into a glass-enclosed room with sofas and a piano where two skeletal girls were playing cards and another was flipping through tv channels. The nurses watched our every move from the other side of the glass (I later dubbed the room "the Fish Bowl," and covered the Christmas tree with origami fish). I spoke to no one and stared out the window. The people and cars eight floors below looked as small as I felt.
At bed time I learned of a few more liberties I was not allowed. For my two weeks in the hospital, I was not allowed to pee without someone watching me. Any bowel movement would have to be measured and logged. They were concerned that we would vomit or exercise while unsupervised in the bathroom. I was not allowed to fidget because it burned too many extra calories. They took away my yo-yo for the same reason. I would not be allowed to shower until my heart rate and blood pressure returned to normal, which took about a week and a half. If I wanted to use the scissors I had brought, I had to do so with supervision. I could not close my bedroom door for any reason. Slamming it shut became my favorite form of protest, which was not mature, but when treated like a child, it is only natural to retreat into childlike behavior.
We weighed in every morning. They didn't tell us the numbers in pounds, but the scale display was in kilos. They apparently thought we were idiots who couldn't do the conversion. We were all bitchy in the morning. It meant the beginning of a long twelve hour day in the Fish Bowl. Except we weren't even allowed to swim.
My fellow inmates were all white girls, between the ages of 17 and 21. Then two new kids showed up. Kids. Seriously. The girl was twelve. The boy was nine. I was disgusted. Seeing those little kids suffering through what I knew to be incredible psychic pain made me so angry with myself! It was motivating. It also completely changed the dynamic of group therapy. I wasn't going to talk about my relationship with my mother, or the gruesome sight of my brother in the ICU before they pulled the plug, or the brutal rape I endured in high school with a twelve- and nine-year-old in the room. We spent all the group time convincing the little ones that food is necessary for survival, which was probably an improvement over the competitive I-used-to-gag-myself-this-way and I-only-ate-this-many-calories talk of the group before their arrival.
We spent Christmas together in the day room. I made bracelets for everyone. Some people had day passes to be with family. Others had family visits. I stayed in my room. My family was banned from the hospital for being too triggering. Another low.
After a week or so of doing and eating what I was told in zombie-like compliance, I was given some control over my menu. They gradually taught me to plan a real meal, which I had forgotten how to do. They taught me to use a meal plan, which gave me the same measure of control over my eating as the eating disorder had, but the focus was on eating enough, rather than eating too little. Once I mastered the meal plan, I was set free.
I left the hospital on New Year's Eve. I thought this was deeply meaningful, and left sure that I would get my life together in the year 2000. A whole new life for a whole new millennium! It took another four years of fighting my body image, working the meal plan, and going to therapy before i began eating normally without internal conflict. Now, four years into complete recovery, I look back at that time with mixed feelings. I wasted years of my life on that stupid eating disorder! But at the same time, I have to honor the journey that brought me here, to a life of which I am very proud.
I had a happy ending, eventually, but not everyone does. Eating disorders kill people. Worse, they kill the spirit. I and my fellow patients were zombies with no free will. There was nothing admirable or glamorous about the eating disorders unit. I know some girls with eating disorders want to be "sick enough" to gain admittance to an EDU. It's not a badge of honor, and it's not worth it. Early treatment can help you kick it. If it gets to hospital severity, it will likely haunt you forever. To this day, I have to be mindful of my food/exercise balance or the old behaviors creep up on me. So get help right away. It doesn't have to be an inpatient stay. There are tons of options. Somethingfishy.org is a great website with a referral feature. They can help you find treatment options in your area.
Part III continues here:
http://www.progressiveu.org/123842-making-edible-woman-part-iii-whats-na...
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All I feel I can say to that is thank you for sharing. I hope the struggle you are still going through gets easier with time.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/sawaboof
"...There is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt."
-30 Rock-
This was the low point, but definitely not the end point.
I know there are others out there, so I thought I'd tell the sordid tale. Part III is happier.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I know exactly... how you feel.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I'm glad you shared this story with us. I can relate to some of what you said on certain levels. I know how bad ICU can be I was there and I saw my mom die. This was in 2006. I thought since I was 18 then that I could handle it. I can't sleep at night because I hear that flat line noise echoing in my head and images flood my head of saying goodbye for the last time. I watched my dad read a note to her saying that it was ok to go that he loved her and my boyfriend cory loved her and that I did. (I can't talk about that anymore right now) I had an eating disorder when I was about 14 or 15 and I corrected it in time before needed medical attention. Thanks for sharing!!!
Something people should know about:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
I'm so sorry you lost your mom. I can't imagine what that must be like. I can imagine what you describe about the ICU, though. Your experience sounds similar to my experience letting my brother go. I wrote a little about that in my blog about my rabbit, Annie, who I had to put down last week. (I know it sounds like a glib comparison, but if you read it, I think you'll understand how one led to the other). My family was gathered around him, too, waiting for the flatline. It's not one of those things one ever forgets, but it does get easier to live your life. My brother would expect it of me, and your mom would want the same for you, too.
It's awful to talk about, but it helps. It's like every crying jag makes the next one a little less scary and unfamiliar. Now, when I cry over my brother, I know it won't consume me, and I can just feel the sadness until it passes. I think I was afraid it would never end if I let myself feel it. That's what the eating disorder did for me...it kept the grief at bay. I'm glad yo nipped yours in the bud.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I will read your blog I am interested and thanks for your sympathy most people don't seem to have that anymore. I tell them and they are just like ooh really that sucks. it was really the hospitals fault but sueing didn't work. We had a doctor admit that to us but he dissapeared. I feel for my dad a little more because they were married for 19 years. My boyfriend that I am still with watched her pass to. There's alot of other things that happened with that and right now I am trying to write a book about it. I don't cry alot now it is very hard for me to cry. I got a little choked up when I wrote that to you though. Not only though did this happen more things keep happening and that is why it is hard to deal with. I lost all my friends that same year. My grandma is now getting sicker and has no place to go because her medicare ran out. My great aunt died. But I finally started college this year when everyone told me if i waited a year I wouldn't go. it wasn't my choice to wait a year because my mom died 2 months after I graduated high school. I wrote a blog about the disease my mom had and if you get a chance and want to maybe you can read it. I will read yours after I post this!!
Something people should know about:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
I'll look for your post.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
While I cannot relate to your story, I appreciate it. I'm glad that I now have a better understanding of eating disorders and I hope that I will be able to use that understanding if the situation were ever to arise.
You are truly amazing.
~C
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You mean, I am truly blushing. (We need a smiley for that).
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Hear hear!
i've never had any experience with eating disorders.
However, i can't help feeling that this post is exactly the kind of wisdom our world needs, and that's really all i can say.
Growing up and maybe still, my mother had an eating disorder. In 1982 there was not much in the way of "getting help" not to mention I was 5. I thought something was wrong and I always said things to my family. It wasn't until 5 years ago, that my new step father, after being told by me about it tried to do something. I always felt helpless, disregarded because I couldn't draw anyone's attention to it. I'm glad at least now, she seems healthier. What a tragic disorder. I hope you are recovered and realize the importance of self-image.
I'm glad your step father seems to be good for your mom. When I see women, grown-up women, suffering from it, I always wonder what made them feel so ugly that they think they haven't earned the right to food yet? I hope your mom is feeling beautiful and loved now.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
...psych wards suck. So much. That's all I can really say. D:
There weren't kids in my ward, but there were children in the ward below (the whole hospital was a small two-story building. The adult psych ward was a separate building a short drive away). Really little kids. Like, some of them were probably five or six years old. And already someone decided they were fucked up. They weren't treated any better than us, either. They got smacked around a lot. x.x
and doors. We couldn't slam doors because they didn't close. They were the swingy kind, you could only close them by locking them. And we had a day room, but we weren't allowed in it most of the day, nor in our rooms, just in the hallway and sometimes the kitchen or porches (porch: three walls, and a fourth of very narrow bars. Popular for hanging suicide attempts, from the bars).
But we could use the bathroom with the swingy door sorta closed (you'd get walked in on unless you had someone guard you or unless you had a long reach and could hold it closed while you did your business). Even the people with EDs. After eating every meal, this bulimic girl would loudly announce, "I'm gonna go puke now, anyone want to join me?" And then if I went into the bathroom to wash my hands (or cut in the cucible - once a friend and me crowded in there and shared a piece of glass), I'd hear her puking her guts out. We didn't actually have to eat at all. A couple of the girls there (and one of the guys) were severely anorexic and just didn't eat. I stopped eating there for a while, just didn't go to meals anymore or ate really tiny amounts of rice (probably picked this up from the other anorexics x.x), and none of the staff noticed. One time one of the anorexic girls loudly pointed out to staff during dinner that I was obviously becoming anorexic. And they didn't even say anything. *shrug*
I would've gone nuts if I couldn't move around and have some privacy in the bathroom. D: We had strip-searches and those were bad enough.
I'm glad you got out of there. Most those places are just... inhumane. x.x
How does anyone ever get out of a place like that? I can't imagine it makes anyone better. I don't want to believe those places are allowed to exist! That's awful! Where's the oversight? Where's child welfare? Bah!
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Not easily. They wanted to keep me there a year but they couldn't get a court order for it because I wasn't yet fifteen, so my parents were able to take me out.
tbh the place I was in was nowhere near truly "bad" institutions. Overt abuse was extremely rare and we did get some help, not everyone there was bad.
Eventually one of the wards was closed down due to overt abuse occuring there. Not my ward. The adult autistic ward. Hopefully maybe it made the other wards a bit nicer? x.x
I am glad you had the strength to even tell your story.Most people that deal with this type of situation try to hide it , or not even talk about it.You are a true inspiration to many girls and some guys that are going through what you had to go through.A eating disorder is something that you can't get rid off. You have to fight like hell to beat it everyday.
Thanks. It is tough to beat, and I'll never be able to be cavalier about food and exercise, but it isn't something that plagues me everyday anymore. During times of stress, when I feel like things are out of control, I have to be mindful about eating, because I "forget." It's a habit. But I don't agonize over every last calorie anymore. I've been a healthy weight for six or seven years with little thought. It DOES get better, with a lot of work and good professional help.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
congratulations on your recovery (though it may seem like it happened a long time ago) and thank you for sharing, it's not easy to share something so personal as this.
I'm lucky to be able to say that nothing of this magnitude has happened to me in my young life, but i do know what it looks like. One of my friends last year had anorexia and bulemia (sp?) and it was a horrifying thing for me because i really cared for her and wanted her to get better, but there was nothing i could do. I tried talking to her, but i feare i'd make it worse, i read information from books and the internet and found out that no matter what i said, it'd all come down to what she chose, and it did. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but she was sent to a place where she recovered, i think she got to weigh 100 lbs at a point. I remember the day i cried when i was at her house one day because i saw how skinny she was, she looked so fragile as if she'd fall apart any second, i could see the structure of her skull and the skin around her eyes was getting darker and darker but she herself was very pale. I thought she might die any second, and all i could do was cry and hope that somehow she'd chose to recover.
~Bookworm62591♥
Stop! You're going to make me cry! That is such a terrible thing to witness! I'm glad she got help. Many anorexics isolate themselves from their friends until they lose them. It's nice that you stuck by her.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story to educate, warn, and give hope to others about eating disorders. And even though I have never had an eating disorder, your feelings resonate with me. Because everyone goes through at least one time in their life when they do something self-destructive because they feel they no longer have control over anything.
I'm glad you could relate. That is not to say I am glad you have experienced despair, though I do believe it gives us perspective to appreciate the good things on a much deeper level once we come through to the other side of despair.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
The complete loss of independence, freedom, & choice is dehumanizing...but in many cases the choice between life and death. Eating disorders -- anorexia, bulimia, purging, binging, obesity -- are epidemic in our country. It's not just an affliction of little, spoiled, prissy drama queens throwing a fit. It is real, as are the consequences. These are symptoms of larger social problems, but the individuals are the ones who pay the price; they seek from food what they cannot get elsewhere. I had my own battle with food -- bulimia & morbid obesity; it was the only comfort I knew in this world for three decades. I was fortunate to overcome the odds, my relationship with food & the reasons I had a dysfunctional relationship with food.
Each year the casualties mount as truly wonderful people people fight so dilligently yet lose their battles with food. Sounds from your comments as if you won yours. Hopefully someday the world will no longer be a place where people die via food.
--
"Freedom is an expensive thing." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can't believe that children as young as twelve and nine were there. What is happening to our children? Children that young should not be having eating disorders, they should be outside playing with other kids. *sigh* Makes me sad.
all i think i can say is.. wow, and hopefully your story makes an impression on those who need to hear it. i wish you the best and think that it takes a strong perosn to admit and share about something like you did.
best of luck.
sammeh.
For years, I too have dealt with a distorted body image and low self-esteem. My weight has always fluctuated, which has likewise resulted in constant fluctuations of my own self-esteem. While I thankfully have never developed an eating disorder, I realize that if I had had a strong enough trigger I would have so easily fallen into one.
The image of beauty that is perpetuated by our society and the media is disgusting and so harmful to not only women but men as well. It's sad and ultimately disturbing how many have sacrificed their health, their family and friends, even their lives to try and attain this false idea.
I agree with other posters; I hope your story makes a difference for someone, even if it's just one person.
P.S. Have you read Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher?
You're a brave one.....
I have found that many will try to one-up another on the eating disorder stories. I had these many calories, i used to throw up like this, in my ward we couldn't even slam doors etc etc.
It's not glamorous, or glorious to do that; to one-up a story.
What's interesting about your situation is the two younger kids that were put into your sector. That sounds like a major thing to turning things around. Sometimes it just takes a different standpoint to make you realize truly where you are.
It does affect our people at younger and younger ages. The media is reaching for younger and younger audiences for profit. I see how the world is changing and I wonder where the hell we're heading so fast for?
Btw, I had no idea that some would STRIVE to be "sick enough" for a ward as you said. That's a whole different ballgame.
The kind around where I grew up was the hardcore controlled/under wraps and yet everyone knew. it was tinged with a secret pride because no one would talk to you about it, as long as you were thin. Like it was a badge of honor. It's sick. As long as you were thin, you'd made it, as long as you just weren't fat. no no way could you be fat. Binging without purging is just as horrendous, and perhaps more so in some ways. The fear can be palpable.
I'll stop talking your ear off and save it for the blogs. Been on my mind and such.
Appreciate your honesty, lady.
But did my story come across as oneupmanship? That's not what I intended. There was certainly a lot of that in the hospital, but I meant to show how unproductive it was.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
o lord no, hah!
i guess i could have clarified that more.
U didn't come across as such, its been my experience that that can happen, as well as you mentioned that without the younger kids there, your group was falling into some of those patterns. Some responses here sounded like it too, but it was not the telling of your story itself.
Sorry. I misunderstood.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I was in the fourth grade when I became anorexic and my situation was totally different than yours. I had issues with my stepmom and that led to me becoming anorexic. I remember people being surprised when they found out that I a girl who is black and 190 pounds now had went through something like that. I wasnt trying to lose weight I just hated my living situation so much. I hated the fact that this woman was trying to take the place of my mother ( who is still alive). That was my situation and I wont really go into detail. I will just say like you I was tall and maybe nine years old and weighed what a kindergartener weighed. Literally I weighed less than my five year old brother. Growing up I would listen to people talk about eating disorders and anorexic kids and the things they would say and the stereotypes were amazing.
Most of the time people would say things like only white girls go through that. Ha I am black and I went through it. Or they would say the only reason she starving herself is because she trying to lose weight. Not true for everyone. It was months before my folks even realized something was wrong and till this day they all just felt it was because I was unhappy with my weight. I saw therapist and psychiatrist. I went to the hospitals. I was monitored at home, school and summer camp. So I know how it feels to be annoyed someone is checking your poop or making sure you eat everything. But I am glad you overcame that situation.
Bye
It's funny how everyone always thinks it's just about losing weight, isn't it? Like, "you could quit this if you'd just start eating normally." But it's really about the loss of control in your life. It was for me, and it sounds like it was for you too. I hope you're doing well now.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
You have a lot of courage to share that story with us! Not only is it EXTREMELY well-written, I am sure that anyone with an eating disorder who reads this will be able to take something from it - maybe even the strength to work on getting better.
I wouldn't mind reading more about creating meal plans. This is something I am sonstantly struggling with simply because I can never seem to find the time to eat. Perhaps if i could plan it out, I could eat as much as I should and what I should instead of junk food once a day.....
Thanks again for sharing!
I have thought about blogging about the meal plan, but I decided that it is too risky. I'm not a dietitian or nutritionist, so I don't feel like I have the authority to do so. I'm sure there are probably books out there on the subject.
What I WILL recommend to you, though, is that you do a monthly freeze-a-thon. Cook a few healthy recipes that freeze well, and freeze them in serving-size containers. Then time is no longer an excuse for not eating. It does require that you give up one day a month to do the prep, though.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Thanks for the suggestion!
I admire your ability to talk out about your eating disorder. You have inspired me to write about mine. Thank you.
Although I've never had an issue that came out by unhealthy eating (I love food, but know about moderation), but I know many people who do have issues. I don't worry about any of them, but I always keep track of one friend who's running a fine line between concern and disorder. I'm glad you got help, but I realize it will be a lifelong struggle. I wish you the best of luck!
I saw a great show on PBS, if anyone's interested. The link is: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/thin/ and it's very informative. They basically have the whole show online.
I even found a link for PBS kids about eating disorders: http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/body/eatingdisorders/
-Sonja :)
"Democracy works only when you vote. When you don't take the time to vote for the candidate you find the least offensive, you run the risk of electing the candidate you find the most offensive."
First off, I would like to commend you on what you have been through to get over this eating disorder. I too went through a low point in my life like that, and had an eating disorder. I was helped by friends, even when I tried to deny them. I can say that I am almost completely back on track with eating, but your story certainly revived something in me, I know that I can overcome this before it takes over me. Thanks.
I had come to MN to attend college and as fate would have it within two weeks I was in the EDU. It saved my life. Had I not gone into treatment and found an amazing array of friends who allowed me to be honest and vulnerable I wouldn't have made it. I look back and am so thankful that my teenage self figured out that the life I was living at that time was untenable and out of control. I do not mean to be glib. I am trying to say that my ED was a red flag and due to some miracle the Dean of Women at that little college recognized it. It wasn't easy in the least. It took years. I still have triggers that sneak up unawares. What I gained thru hard work were the skills of communication and intimacy. I had spent so many years up until then trying to get my needs met in so many sideways manners that I had no clue how to be vulnerable. I don't have all those friends from that time but I carry the lessons forward.
and you remind me of someone I know. I am lucky to have the friends I have now. The friends I had in college were part of what landed me in the EDU in the first place (see The Making of an Edible Woman Part I), but as I got myself healthy, I was able to make healthy friendships and build a chosen family. That has made all the difference.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
All that to say...I hope you are able to let your trusted friends be mirrors in your life that tell you truly how marvelous it is to have thegift of breath and love. Best wishes to you in cultivating those relationships that keep you grounded and sane...
Your journey has been long and troubled but you prevailed using the will that dragged you down to pull yourself up. Bravo!
While reading your Blog I had to start a feeding on a little guy who receives his food though a tube in his stomach. Not exactly the same as your ordeal but still a miracle just the same.
While his disorder is caused by physical abnormalities yours were caused by your psychological abnormalities. The feelings of your experiences caused you to gain control over the one thing you could control; eating. It's funny how we compensate for the trauma we endure.
The one thing that you may have overlooked was the love you received from whomever recommended you to seek help, be it a parent, sibling, teacher, or yourself. Then those who cared for you. The nurse who seemed like a Nazi watching your every move had the compassion to stick by you to see you and the others though their treatment. Not many people would tolerate a seemingly uptight precocious spoiled brats who didn't want to eat. You see that they care, you do see that your loved, I know so because you have found love for yourself to overcome and adapt to what's happened to you. Bravo again....
I absolutely appreciate the staff at the hospital. I felt violated when I went in, but they knew exactly what I needed to gain back control. They knew we were all completely under the control of our psychological disorder, so they removed the control it was allowed to have and held on to it until we could be trusted again. I might still be the mess I was when I went in if they hadn't been so firm, yet so patient.
And thank you. I also appreciate your comments. Best of luck to your little guy. Now that I'm over it, I continually marvel at the privilege of a society that can reject food. I am humbled when I think of people like your little one who have conditions or other life circumstances that do not allow them to enjoy food. I try not to castigate myself too much, because it was my journey and it brought me here, but there is a lingering sense of shame in my self-centeredness. I was very lucky, but your little one is a REAL miracle.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
What a brave story. (btw, Thanks for the props on my first post - that led me here.) It takes courage to share a story like that. I suffered psychically for almost a decade from the baggage accompanying the sexual assault that I went through at the end of high school. While I can't say whether that was a major contributing factor in your experience based on what I read above, I know that it completely changed my perspective on my body image, my relationships with all men and all women and my self-perspective. In some ways, it made me who I am today, but I am always reluctant to attribute my wonderfulness to that horrid event. And yes, it is only recently that I could self-refer as "wonderful"...
take care
I get what you mean about not wanting to attribute anything good to the horrible events on the journey. I try to view the journey as a whole, and not as stops along the way. The stops are often too painful, but the moving through them is a positive. I focus on that. I'm glad you can finally recognize your wonderfulness.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
Thank you for sharing your story.
"What was never given utterance eventually becomes too nebulous to recall."
~ Jane Smiley
Thank you for having the courage to share your story! This just shows all of us how strong and truly amazing a person you are!
Would it be pushing my bounds to ask how you came to be anorexic? There are some things I still don't understand about the disorder. I do realize it's a disorder, and technically not the sufferers' fault, but I wanted to know what triggered it. Simply a negative self-image, or did the media influence this? Now that I think of it, I remember you mentioning a coach and parents and a modeling career in the last part. I suppose this question is useless now...
On to Part 3!
~ *~
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Coaches and agents played a part, but there were a lot of factors. My personality, for one. I am a tad obsessive about things. If I did drugs, I would probably become an addict. Same with alcohol. I'm also a terrible perfectionist with a very vocal internal critic. I had a stressful home environment that was pretty chaotic at times. I learned no coping skills. Add that to a rape, Big Ten cross country and track, and modeling, and I was pretty much destined to develop an eating disorder.
http://www.progressiveu.org/blog/ediblewoman
I'm glad you finally did learn how to deal with this and turned out to be a pretty good person, from what I can tell in your blogs. You've overcome a lot, so you should be proud of yourself.
~ *~
Visit my blog! I'll even provide a link for ya:
Comments are always appreciated! :)