The One time Rule

I am thankful for my best friend. She grew up in a not so ‘white picket fence’ home. For a time, she had to survive and tolerate her mother’s abusive boyfriend who later became her mother’s husband (that is after some jail time lots of counseling and drug rehab). My friend is the one that brought to my attention how I am and the one that helped me come up with the one time rule to protect us from the things that can happen.

As it turns out, I am a very understanding person; I guess I can be called empathetic. That is, I can understand easily how and why people act the way they do, even if it is wrong. For this reason I am often taken advantage of and get hurt often. When it comes to picking a life partner, and choosing to stay with said person, this can be both good and bad for the self and/or the relationship. This way of being leads me to be very understanding and let things go that I should really riot about. What it comes down to is I make excuses for people.

The one time rule that we came up with has to do with how much negative behavior one should tolerate before throwing in the towel. Basically, if the spouse cheats or hits you once, fine, fix the problem. Seek counseling, anger management or whatever. That is all you get … One time, no more, no less. The second time this happens, there is no excuse, I repeat NO Excuse what so ever to stay. If it has not changed, it won’t. You maybe able to understand and see their side of it, but you have done what you can and it is NOT going to change and it is NOT worth your life and wellness to keep codling the evil person. It is NOT your fault.

Given my complacency with things and my seemingly bad choices, we both thought I would be the one to actually have to use the ‘one time rule’. As it turns out, her husband hit her after nearly ten years of togetherness. He quit drinking counseling was sought.  Then the bastard cheated on her, and given the odd circumstances she went ahead and let him back. She finally tossed his ass out when the last straw was broke. He packed his bag and now she is moving (with their three kids) hours away to prevent anymore leniency and to get on with HER life and rid of him for good.

But what I want to discuss today (long intro huh?) is not as obvious as a slap in the face or another’s underwear lying around the house. What I am talking about does not just happen and you can not calculate a one time rule. There is not evidence for the police such as a black eye or stitches. All there is, is one day you wake up and realize that some how your prince charming has turned maniacal and your life is entwined into person who has become the most severe evil doer of all… An emotional abuser.

Little Big Town Lyrics
Evangeline Lyrics

What brought this to my mind (besides this song) is actually kind of strange and a little funny. During lunch break, the guys in my shop like to watch Maury Povich. Yeah, grown ass mechanics with all their beer and machismo insist on watching talk shows. Anyway, last weeks there was a show about men who treat and do terrible things to their wives. One guys spit on his wife for messing up the pancakes and not doing it the way he liked, he could not even make pancakes that did not look like scramble eggs. One said his wife was his and made her have sex with him the first week after their baby was born. One of the wives was a rare cancer survivor, the cancer had taken parts of her face most of her fingers and put her in a wheel chair. She still was made to scrub on her hands and knees and all sorts of things. So they came to Maury for help.

You do not know when the change occurred, you do not know how is got out of hand, you just keep looking for that person that you fell in love with but you can barely remember that because it was different ago. I have news for you…it is not love if it is mean. You might be strong…no, you ARE strong and you can survive you can get through this; you can find that one you loved in the beginning. Wrong! Unless you stand up for yourself and make the change occur through counseling while maintaining separation (a safe distance) you will not last long. Emotional abuse WILL kill you either by escalation on the abusers part, or by your own hand.

The biggest problem with emotional abuse is identifying it. The abused does not notice until it is too late and they are trapped. Friends and family might know anything is wrong since there are no physical marks. All the other signs can be falsely attributed to other circumstances like low income, high stress or busyness. Worst of all as these (mostly women) feel, think, and believe that there is nothing they can do , no where to go, and/or they deserve this.

What exactly is emotional abuse?

“Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.”

What are signs?

“Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You

Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, principals, supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or emotional.

1. AF's are the masters of dependents.

2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong.

3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the "consequences" (i.e. punishment)

4. Dependents are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)

5. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.

6. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.

7. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.

8. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction and esteem.

9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent as much as possible:

The freedom to perceive To think and interpret To feel To want, need, and chose

10. The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.

11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed

Some of the Consequences

• Mistakes are concealed
• People are under constant stress
• Needs are frustrated, denied
• Fear dominates
• Power is based on fear, not respect
• Information is withheld and distorted
• Information flow is primarily from top down
• Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
• Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
• Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."

All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.”

Where to get help?

“No one needs to lead a life full of fear, humiliation, hopelessness and helplessness. When you are a victim of abuse, one option is to find a place where you can get respect. Another is to address the situation. You can address the situation by reading good books and literature about emotional abuse like Escaping the Shadows by Lisa J. Peck and taking appropriate steps to assert yourself and regain your self-esteem.

If you find difficulties in addressing abuse yourself, you can seek professional help. However in emotional abuse, counseling benefits the abuser only when he/she accepts it willingly and realizes that counseling is for their own benefit. Fear of losing a partner can sometimes motivate the abuser to volunteer for counseling.”

Endabuse.org and TheresNoExcuse.com 

You see there is no one time rule. So run little bird run. Spread your wings because you can, because you deserve it, because you are and eagle. Fly away. Live.

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What%20is%20Emotional%20Abuse?

http://www.surviving-abuse.com/emotional-abuse.html

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