When the Arabic boy's parents found out he was taking a white girl to their school dance, they forbid him to even leave the house. My uncle spent that night yelling, very upset, that my cousin had gotten herself so attached to an Arab.
My cousin is too young to really understand why any of this is happening. She was brought up by the whitest, upper-middle class parents you can imagine and has a Walt Disney perception of race issues. "We're all the same deep down. Why can't we all just get along?" In her world, if you make any distinction between different races or cultures, you are a horrible person. But she doesn't understand the distinction between race and culture. No there is no difference between an Arab boy and a white girl, or between a black goy and a Hispanic girl. But there is a difference in their cultures, hence the conflict that occurred this past weekend.
The difference in cultures that came into play this weekend is well-represented in an article I read in the New York Times today, titled It's Muslim Boy Meets Girl, Yes, But Please Don't Call it Dating.
According to the article, "Many Amercan Muslims - or at least those bent on maintaining certain conservative traditions - equate anything labeled 'dating' with hellfire, no matter how short a time is involved." One Muslim summarizes what parents tell their Muslim children, especially males, as "Don't talk to Muslim girls, ever, but you are going to marry them. As for the non-Muslim girls, talk to them, but don't bring them home." The conservative belief that sex before marriage is the gravest of sins, perpetuates this fear of allowing adolescents to date in the sense that Americans commonly do today. Because of this belief a process was created at the largest Muslim conference in North America called Matrimonial Banquets. At these banquets kids socialize with members of the opposite sex in search of possible spouses. Their parents, usually the mothers, sit on the sidelines, barely able to keep themselves out of the process. This whole ordeal is supposed to be an improvement from the strictly parental process of arranged marriage, though in my oppinion its not much better.
On the one hand, Muslim parents want the same things for their kids as we want for ourselves. One Muslim mother describes the ideal husband for her daughter as having a good heart, being handsome, and highly educated. But I still find myself repulsed by the idea of arranged marriage as an acceptable process, and know better than to think this system is successful. For one thing, many conservative Muslims argue that the divorce rate among them is only at about 33%, which is much smaller than the American average. But women in Arabic society are often considered inferior and treated as such. They are discouraged from and sometimes punished for disobedience to their husbands. Divorce is low among Muslims for the same reason it was low in the 1950s: it just isn't considered acceptable. Not because more parents know what's better for their children and arrange perfectly functionable relationships for them.
The whole archaic process is a direct result of the timeless concept that people will use whatever means necessary, especially religion and the control of belief to maintain some form of power over others. Essentially, that is what arranged marriage is, that is what condemning doctrine is, that is what fundamental religion is, and that is why I want no part of it.
So how do you explain this to a fifteen year old girl who only knows that the Barney and Sesame Street of her childhood taught her that we're all the same, and that we should all love one another? How do you explain that on a basic level there is nothing wrong with an Arab guy and a white girl who want to date each other, but that a complex string of cultural differences exist that make it a bad idea. The cold truth is that many Arabic men - though not all - don't respect women, and especially don't respect white women. My cousins' parents' concerns are not completely unfounded. Especially when my cousin is so young, and I have met a few of her minority friends, and suspect that she is going through a phase of rebellion against the extremely sheltered and conservative upbringing that she herself has experienced.
This story is a prime example of the regressive nature of many dominant religions. They do not promote unity, but segregation and intolerance. It breeds xenophobia and creates an insular and irrational community. If you take a look at Northern Ireland you see a fantastic example of this, two Chritian populations, Catholic and Protestant, killing each other and refusing to interact of anything more than a conflict level, based upon a slight difference in beliefs. I was raised in a mixed Christian family, Catholic father, Methodist mother (which in Ireland is the same thing as Protestant). I saw no difference in the faiths that was worth even arguing over, they are both as mad as each other. But as soon as people start wearing their team colours, sorry I mean religions, on their sleeves, well it's time to start lobbing petrol bombs and shooting each others knee caps off. Where's the love fuckers?
I will agree its a downside to my religion, and mainly the culture that we are brought upon. But, I truly believe that today it is much better than it once used to be. No where in the religion of Islam does it say that a women should be forced into arrange marriage. Same goes for the guys. Its complicated and messed up.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain
I'm glad that you think that way, and are educated enough not to simply get defensive about your religion and tell me I am just racist or closed minded. Because I think that all relgions are beautiful when they are put to good use, and all of them are ugly when they become condescending or extremist. I also agree, by the way, that things are a lot better than they used to be. Thanks for the comment.
I have always stood up for what I have believed in, it seemed to me that I believe in my religion very strongly, and there are some aspects that I strongly disagree with. When I was first taught about my religion a lot of the religious aspects were mixed with the cultural ones, and I strongly go against many of those.
I never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain
It’s Muslim Boy Meets Girl, but Don’t Call It Dating
By NEIL MacFARQUHAR
Published: September 19, 2006
New York Times
Excerpt:
CHICAGO — So here’s the thing about speed dating for Muslims.
Many American Muslims — or at least those bent on maintaining certain conservative traditions — equate anything labeled “dating” with hellfire, no matter how short a time is involved. Hence the wildly popular speed dating sessions at the largest annual Muslim conference in North America were given an entirely more respectable label. They were called the “matrimonial banquet.”
“If we called it speed dating, it will end up with real dating,” said Shamshad Hussain, one of the organizers, grimacing.
Both the banquet earlier this month and various related seminars underscored the difficulty that some American Muslim families face in grappling with an issue on which many prefer not to assimilate. One seminar, called “Dating,” promised attendees helpful hints for “Muslim families struggling to save their children from it.”
The couple of hundred people attending the dating seminar burst out laughing when Imam Muhamed Magid of the Adams Center, a collective of seven mosques in Virginia, summed up the basic instructions that Muslim American parents give their adolescent children, particularly males: “Don’t talk to the Muslim girls, ever, but you are going to marry them. As for the non-Muslim girls, talk to them, but don’t ever bring one home.”
Panelists warned that even seemingly innocuous e-mail exchanges or online dating could topple one off the Islamic path if one lacked vigilance. “All of these are traps of the Devil to pull us in and we have no idea we are even going that way,” said Ameena Jandali, the moderator of the dating seminar.
Hence the need to come up with acceptable alternatives in North America, particularly for families from Pakistan, India and Bangladesh, where there is a long tradition of arranged marriages.
One panelist, Yasmeen Qadri, suggested that Muslim mothers across the continent band together in an organization called “Mothers Against Dating,” modeled on Mothers Against Drunk Driving. If the term “arranged marriage” is too distasteful to the next generation, she said, then perhaps the practice could be Americanized simply by renaming it “assisted marriage,” just like assisted living for the elderly.
“In the United States we can play with words however we want, but we are not trying to set aside our cultural values,” said Mrs. Qadri, a professor of education.
Basically, for conservative Muslims, dating is a euphemism for premarital sex. Anyone who partakes risks being considered morally louche, with their marriage prospects dimming accordingly, particularly young women.
There were two banquets, with a maximum 150 men and 150 women participating each day for $55 apiece. They sat 10 per table and the men rotated every seven minutes.
My name is Chris Burt from 3 Of a Kind Productions. I am a producer for a non-profit production company based out of Ithaca College in
Ithaca, New York. I am posting here at I seek information similar to the article I have posted above in the New York Times on September 19th, 2006 titled: "It's Muslim Boy Meets Girl, but Don't Call It Dating."
We are currently in pre-production on a documentary looking into the process of matrimonial banquets (speed dating) and the present
struggle on keeping traditions between generations for Muslim-Americans. The reason I am writing here is because I am trying
to make contacts for Muslim-Americans who are/have experienced matrimonial banquets.
We were hoping as you read this, you may be able to provide information for us as we continue our research on this subject. If you know of anyone, or have any experience in these banquets, please let us know. I would greatly appreciate your cooperation if you could provide us with any insight.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Thank You.
Sincerely,
Christopher Burt
info@3ofakind.org
chris.burt@3ofakind.org
Contact Number: 315-481-1146
3 Of a Kind Productions
133 Giles Street
Ithaca, NY 14850