Today I feel like I unearthed some shit that I seriously had never occurred to me before.
Seriously. Like, I psychoanalyze everything: myself, other people, situations, etc. And I thought I had this eating disorder thing figured out. I didn't know how to stop it, mind you, but I thought I knew the reasoning behind it.
"Oh, it's all about control," I thought. Which it is. I guess, completely about control. But the reasoning behind that control? Whoa, now that's some complex shit right there. In group today, we talked again about "nurturing our inner child" and M (I'm hesitant to use full names, I don't know why) asked us why we were denying ourselves the things we would never deny a child. And I thought about it, and I came up with:
I want and need love, attention, and affection. Problem is, I feel like I'm GETTING love, attention, and affection. And yet I still want more. But that makes me feel selfish and greedy. I think "Why can't I just be happy with what I have?? Why do I have to have more? I think I'm getting the amount I'm supposed to get, and so demanding more will make me a greedy and bad person." To cover those feelings, I controlled my eating. I WANTED my mom to force me to go into treatment. I WANTED her to get mad at me, to force me to do something. Her telling me that I looked like a Holocaust victim isn't going to jack shit if she didn't make me do anything about it. I guess it was my fucked up way of seeing if she really cared about me. If she forced me to go into treatment, it would mean that she cared and noticed something was wrong. But she didn't, so it continued.
I had a complete impromptu heart-to-heart last night with A, my absolute favoritist (not a word, I know) staff member. I went down the stairs, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" in hand, thinking I'd watch it in celebration of Jesus Day, and two hours later, I wound up sitting on the couch, make up streaked and feeling a whole lot better. I figured some things out, I think:
When starving myself, it was so people would know something was wrong.
When binging, it was to fill myself up as much as I could to get rid of the empty feeling that was inside of me.
When purging, it was because I had filled myself up alright, but with something that wasn't helping. So I had to get rid of it, so it was doing me no good.
I know there's more complex shit under that, but I'm finally FINALLY! FINALLY! starting to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I'm so, so, so excited about it too.
So today we did this thing called Nia, which is basically interpretive dance. I admit, I admit, I was excited. The geek in me was like "Oooh, fun!" But when we got there, I was like "FUCK THIS!! Ain't no way I'm interpretive dancing in front of nobody!" (I thought this in a ghetto accent, btw). However, only part of it was "interpretive". The rest of it was like being in a cardio or dance class. It was AMAZING. Seriously. We walked out of there, and I thought "DAMN! I feel GOOD!" It was amazing. I just stopped thinking and analyzing and worrying about anything and thought "Fuck it. I know I look fucking ridiculous, and I don't give a shit." Our topic for the dance was "Past, Present, and Future" and we did moves to represent that theme. We wrote on cards 3 things we'd like to let go of, and I got a lot of my anger and sadness out while we were doing it.
We went to Starbucks afterwards, which made the experience all the better. Goddamn, I don't know what I would do without those Starbucks trips.
I saw the dietitian again today, and miracles must exist, because she informed me--that even after a week of what I consider non-stop eating--I HAVEN'T GAINED ANY WEIGHT.
SAY WHAT?!?! AND AND AND....I'm allowed to exercise!!! So I'm debating between going to the gym tomorrow and going for a walk. My heart says walk, because I love walks and I could clear my head. But my head says "GYM! Do the elliptical! YOU NEED IT!" So we'll see.
I had to challenge myself today. My dietitian wanted me to have a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and all before lunch I felt like a crack addict that wasn't getting my fix. I was shaking and nervous and paranoid. Amelia agreed to do it with me, and afterwards I felt like "Hmmm...not so bad." Next challenge? Peanut butter and banana. Sweet Lord.
I'm once again feeling good and positive and like I'm adjusting. Hopefully I'll feel this way--EVEN BETTER--20 days from now.
We shall see, my friends. We shall see.
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Normally when someone has an eating disorder which you probably know, but this may make more sense to you when someone explains it out. They feel like they have had no control in their life and that is one thing they can control themselves. Also if they have siblings that receive more attention or a parent who doesn't give them enough or no attention, they feel like they are left out, so to get attention...eating disorder. Many people that have eating disorders or had them at some point, have been raped,molested,abused, or cut themselves before. Now I am not saying this applys to you in anyway I am just stating facts. My mom was somewhat controlling and verbally abusive sometimes... and I used to cut also besides the eating disorder. But all of this was from a psychology stand point. When I took psychology in highschool (but on a college level) I learned alot about the reasons why I did this when I never could figure it out clearly before. I am sorry I keep giving you my input, because i'm sure you are mainly trying to get feelings out, but I am just trying to help. Just let me know if it is bothering you.
I am here to inform and help:
http://www.progressiveu.org/032913-lupus-uncureable-wait-what
Love comments? I do too!
Your title is a little to much. I feel that you should be able to say whatever you want to say inside a blog(except maybe in comments) but your title is public and is probably going to be changed because thats a little to far.
Eh, I don't see a progressive website reverting to censorship.
Find out everything you need to know about poop here:
http://progressiveu.org/000701-everything-you-need-know-about-poop