I live in a household that is far from the norm in every sense of the word. My parents are newly divorced and I live with my mother. You may say that, that is not uncommon. I am the oldest child in our family. You may say that, this is not uncommon either. I say, try being the oldest child of 7 children. That is not step, adopted or any other version.
Our ages are 16, 15, 13, 10, 9, 7 & 5. With my father living in an entirely different state, my mother is spread pretty thin when it comes to time and reponsibilities, the overload falls upon me and my brothers and sisters. I sometimes feel like I am being cheated out of some of my childhood because my parents divorced, even though I know it was the best thing for all of us. Why do I, as the oldest, have to take on the shared responsibility of raising our family? Isn't that what you sign up for when you decide to have children? Well, the fact of the matter is, I DON"T HAVE ANY!!!!
I know that it isn't my mother's fault, after all, she does her best to make up for what ever my father lacks. She is the one who is managing all by her self with the 2007 versionn of the BRADY BUNCH. She gives me her all, but I can't help but feel like that is not good enough.
Should I feel bad for not wanting to fill in where my father has left a vacancy? Are my feelings of being shorted, something that someone in my shoes would feel too? Are there any pointers that children of divorced and multi-sibling familys should be given? Should family couseling be mandated by the divorce courts?
Well, I didn't come from a divorced family, and I only have three siblings, but I did babysit for a family with 7 children (8th on the way). They were 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and newborn. It was the most insane experience of my life, and I can commiserate with you.
I think that your feelings of frustration are entirely normal. You are being forced to grow up and act as a parent when you're not an adult -- emotionally or physically. It's unfair to ask this of you, while also asking you to maintain good grades in high school and get into a good college (or whatever). Your life is yours, and you should be focusing on your goals and not trying to fix problems that you did not cause.
Of course, I don't mean that you should entirely turn your back on your responsibilities. But maybe you should sit down with your siblings and mother and have a talk. Talk about how you feel frustrated and overwhelmed with having to basically fill your fathers shoes. See if maybe you can work out some sort of rotation of responsibilities. Maybe you can "babysit" the youngest siblings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and your next younger sibling(s) can take care of chores on those days.
It might be a good idea to get your youngest siblings involved in come sort of community activity, like a sports team or club. That way they'll be supervised and socializing, and you and the older siblings will be able to have some free time.
When I was 16, I lived in Spain with my three siblings (who were 14, 12, and 10). For one week we were entirely on our own. The day my parents left, we all sat down at the kitchen table and discussed chores and responsibilities. We decided who would do what on what days (ie: laundry on Monday, who washed the dishes on what day, who would go to the grocery store or the bakery, etc), bed times, cooking responsibilities, menus, television privelleges, etc. We wrote everything down, and worked from there. I'm not saying that this was a perfect solution, but it did give us a guideline. One day I was overwhelmed with a huge research assignment from the spanish university I was attending, so I agreed to let my 12-year-old sister cook that night in exchange for doing her laundry duties the next day. Though I was officially "in charge," I was not ready to be a parent, so I decided that the best way to go about being the boss would be to run it as if we were all the same and had to cooperate to get through it.
Needless to say, we all survived more-or-less intact. Of course, we were all relatively close in age and got along fairly well, so it wasn't quite as difficult as it might have been. I just thought this idea might help you decide what to do.
Ultimately, unless you want professional counselling, I think what you need to do is to sit down and just talk. Let everyone tell how they feel and work from there. If that doesn't work, then counselling would probably become necessary, but it's usually better to try to keep it in the family first.
(Sorry for the ramble. Good luck with what you decide to do anyway.)
-- Mila
Thanks for the advice. We do have a system that my mother set up in place now. The only thing about it, is that the tasks themselves are huge. Imagine doing the laundry for 1 adult & 7 children. Imagine making a meal for 8 people.
My mother and father are great parents, don't get me wrong, I just don't think that either of them really get our point of view. School is just like work. Then to come home & do another "job" to that extreme is insane. I'm not saying that I should not have to be responsible for anything, but when is enough, enough.
I think if the courts were to make couseling mandatory during a divorce, Everyone would know what each other is in for. We didn't ask for the divorce, they did. Why weren't our feelings and thoughts made a part or included in the desicions. Why aren't children's voices in all of this heard? The court won't even let anyone under the age of 18 in the courtroom. It affects us the most. Should there be a change in the way the court system views a child's voice, why it is our lives thta are waying in the balance?
thats a lot of kids to be living in one house. i give you props for being able to live in a house that full..i know i would go crazy. hope everything goes well.
You should see our house when we have friends over!!
I can say that I never feel lonely!!
Thanks for the encouragement.
I have 4 brothers and three sisters. It's hard when you're under the same roof, but now that I have a house of my own, it's nice to have a big family. If I get too lonely, I can just call one of them up. Or if I'm bored, the youngest ones are always looking for someone to take them somewhere.