Yesterday my transition officially started. At like 2 pm. At 3 pm, I was out with Amelia and feeling anxious. Usually, when we're at Target or something, I'll look at people and think "I'm so jealous!! They're free!!" But yesterday, when I was "free", all I wanted was a staff member with me to make sure I didn't do anything rash.
But I didn't. Yay for me.
I also officially dropped all my classes yesterday. I really, really need this time off. It's not anything impulsive, nothing that I didn't weigh heavily, and it's something that is extremely necessary for me. I can't handle class AND recovery. If I want to get better, I have to focus on myself now.
I have to start opening up more, verbally. I'm a very closed off person when I'm with someone face-to-face. I downplay all my situations; I have a constant need for people to think nothing's wrong and everything's okay.
But I feel like I just CAN'T keep bringing up these emotions. I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I don't want to burden or bore or annoy people by constantly saying that I'm not doing so well. It's not because I don't trust them or don't care for them; it's because I'm scared of LOSING them. I don't want to push people away, but that's what I fear I'm doing.
I'm so, so sorry to those I have hurt by making them feel as if I was leaving them in the dark and hiding things from them. I never meant for that to happen; you mean so much so much to me that nothing I write hear could ever do that justice. You guys are amazing; you have been some of the best friends I could ever ask for.
Last night was one of the best nights ever. I literally forgot that I was "sick" and it felt SO GOOD. I was like "YES!!!" Many good things occurred :-).
Our activity tonight was bowling. When we got to the bowling alley, I thought "Have I been here before?" and then I realized, no, I haven't been to the actual bowling alley before, but it was the absolute white trashiness of it all reminded me of Wisconsin!! Mullets were afoot, cheap beer was flowing, and ghetto white guys checked me out. Ahhh, home. I need to frequent bowling alleys more often. And it was SO FUN. Yes, I realize bowling is extremely lame. Which is why I LOVE IT!!! We all used nicknames, mine being "Arm." Why, you ask? Let's just say it involves one sweet-ass dead arm impression. On the way back to the house, we all laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. It all started with the question "Which would you rather have--awkward silence or kinky sex?" Guess which one I chose.
It was also dessert night. The poison of choice? Chocolate cake. Dear sweet Jesus. Looking at it made me feel sick. It was so...thick. And chocolately. And I was like "Oh, hell no. HELL NO!" But I ate it. And you know what? It tasted good. And then I stopped thinking about it. Angie-1. Cake-0. Heh heh.
Once in a while, I'd have rational thoughts, such as "Being skinny isn't worth all this trouble" yah yah yah, and I'd believe it for a while. However, as soon as I started thinking about going up a size in clothes, I'd be like "WAIT A MINUTE!!! IT IS WORTH IT!!" But lately, I haven't been having those thoughts so much. A lot of the time, I'm like "Eh. Who cares?" Maybe I'm just too tired to care. Or maybe I really AM starting to get over it.
In the past few days, I've felt a lot of stress, sadness, anger, etc., but it occurred to me that during these feelings, I haven't thought of acting on my behavior. It literally hasn't occurred to me. I realized this the other day, and I'm like "Hey! I forgot I'm supposed to want to puke right now." It was quite liberating.
Laura and I walked together during our beach walk today. She is so, so hilarious. I never thought I'd have so much in common with a girl from Missouri. Or from New Zealand. Or one from Wisconsin, but last year lived on a farm in Hawaii. I really, really love all the people here and can't imagine not having them in my life now. I am extremely grateful and lucky and blessed that I came here and met these amazing women. I really think that this experience changed and saved my life.
But now it's 10:19 pm, and because I live a life of a granny, I am extremely tired and off to bed.
33 DAYS HEALTHY!!!!
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I've read most of your entries and you are a very good writer. You did not seem nearly so angry in this one. You managed to keep your obscenities to a minimum which improved it from my perspective.
Best wishes for your recovery. My little sister went through the bulimia thing and I think she still struggles with food so I have some feel for how tough this can be. But she is proof that recovery is very possible and food no longer rules her life.
Maybe seeing that somebody can recover and go on to do amazing things will provide with you with a little inspiration. I am going to PM you an article about her. Since she is a public person it is probably not appropriate to identify her and discuss her health here.