Everyone is entitled to his or her own ________. (Fill the blank in.) There are many things I haven't and choose not to share with other people. In my case, people let me down. Constantly. The world has proven to be one big let down. When you're young don't you have the highest of expectations? You always picture yourself being great. I did.
I always wanted to be a cheerleader when I was little. I grew up in a small town and I would watch our local high school football team play every Friday. The cheerleaders were so cool with their matching outfits, and their flips, and stunts. I practiced for hours. I created dance routines, and perfected my cartwheels. I remember the day I got hurt.
I was in middle school. We were having our annual Read-A-Thon and we were just supposed to bring pillows and blankets and books and read all day long at school. No talking. My friend and I set up a tent, I guess no one knew we were inside it. I overheard two boys in our class talking. The more we listened the more I realized they were talking about me. They were describing me as the chubby, over weight girl. Awesome... No name. The chubby overweight girl.
I became quiet after that. He helped shape my self image during a time when it need so much structure. It didn't get a structure; actually maybe it did. But it was a bad structure. I began to hate myself. I was never good enough, I wasn't pretty enough. I was just the chubby overweight girl. When I failed math later that year and we forecasted for our high school classes I was put into a low math class. I shouldn't have been in that class, I can still say that to this day. I was smarter than that, I just lost hope. I didn't try.
Isn't that funny? That one phrase, not even directed to me, broke me. So I went from the chubby overweight girl, to the stupid chubby overweight girl. It didn't get much better once I got to high school.
In high school I joined some clubs and I played sports. I finally became that cheerleader, but I was the still the stupid chubby (now only slightly) overweight cheerleader. I had never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy, never given my heart to anyone....
Until I met him. He introduced me to a lot of things that I now value in my life. He took me to my first youth group. He was my first kiss. He was the first boy to tell me he loved me. He was the first person to call me beautiful, and help me believe he meant it. Of course this blog doesn't end here though.
He built me up. Helped me trust. Gave me confidence. I gained much, but it was all taken away. The night of my senior prom he left me there. With another girl. My heart was so broken. I worked so hard to give him my trust and I felt so safe now that he was there and he had given me so many good values. It all went out the window in about ten seconds.
I think that's when I began to throw up. I lost a lot of weight. No one knew at first; but then it became too apparent. How could you not know? People closest to me just thought I was depressed and not eating enough. Only one person actually knew. It was when she threatened to tell my mom that I stopped doing it to her knowledge.
I don't want to open up too much, because it's hard to talk about it. It's hard to open up to a bunch of strangers, and yet... It's a relief.
It didn't get me into as much trouble as it could of... But the damage is still done. I still can't eat and digest my food like I used to. It could have gotten a lot worse, and I'm not confident enough to say "I'm cured!" I'm still broken. Major trust issues... Bad memories... Horrible horrible anger issues now... It's hard to deal, but I'm glad I got it out. Not all of it... but maybe more to come later.
It's actually really weird. Where only one person knew before, now I'm letting a whole group of complete strangers now. Scary. Oh well. If I could say one thing to anyone who is remotely in a place where I have been I guess I would say... Don't let people get to you. Words are powerful. They can destroy, but they can also help. Use your words.
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
there's a ton of stuff i dont tell people about because i dont want to be seen as a freak due to the nature of the stuff. everybody has a dirty little secret, mine is a little dirtier than most.
haha... are you calling me a freak? just kidding. it took a lot to actually post that. it just felt so good getting it all typed out, I thought it would be more relieving to hit post. kind of scared of people's reactions. i'm still not too sure it was a good idea to post. you know when you say things, and immediately wish you could take the words back? i do that all the time. that's why i say words are powerful. they can't be un-done.