So, tonight I had a really bad fight with my boyfriend. To the point where he, for the first time in our 2+ year relationship, seriously considered breaking it off. So I got to thinking. Are fights good for the well-being of a couple? I've always been of the group that thinks that fights are good for a relationship, and that any couple that doesn't fight isn't... natural, I suppose. This was confirmed by looking at my relationship, and the relationship of one of my friends. Let's call her Veronica, and him Logan. Now Veronica and Logan had been friends for a really long time before they finally admitted to each other that they liked each other and started a relationship. Throughout their relationship, they had a few minor disagreements, but they never let them grow into fights. They had been together for over a year when Logan decided that he was no longer in love with Veronica. They broke it off and she was devastated (I didn't talk to him at all after the breakup). Now, my boyfriend and I have several minor fights, ones that last a few minutes, and a couple major fights per month. Usually in our major fights, one or both of us briefly considers breaking up. But we've been together, happy as can be, for over two years now.
My thoughts are that couples that fight know each other well enough to know what hurts the other person. When they get angry, they let all lose, and specifically go out to hurt the other person. But if you didn't love the person who you were fighting with, most people wouldn't care that these things hurt them. Now, words can never be taken back, so it takes a special kind of relationship to move on from the hurt caused by a fight. So, theoretically, those that fight more have stronger relationships, right? I'm not entirely sure about this. I think if a couple is constantly fighting, particularly about the same thing over and over, then they probably shouldn't be together. But people in relationships like mine with my boyfriend can be the best couple in the world one minute, and at each other's throats the next. The reason we get into such intense fights is we're both very stubborn and very hot-headed. We strive to make each other better after the fight is over (though, admittedly, he tends to make me feel better than I make him after I fight).
All couples have differences. If you simply avoid the differences, they can never be resolved, or learn to be dealt with. If I chewed on the end of pencils, and my husband found it the most annoying thing in the world, but never told me, I would never know he had a problem with it. The frustration he felt at seeing me constantly biting the end of my pencils would ultimately cause him to break, and our marriage probably wouldn't survive, especially if there were several other things that he found annoying about me. If he told me, though, I could try to change my habit, or reach a compromise... say, I get him a new set of pencils for every pencil I chew.
Granted, this entire blog post is hypothetical or anecodotal. But I still think that the best couples are those that fight.
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Ok, I have been in the EXACT same situation as yoU!
My boyfriend and I, of 2 plus years as well, got into a huge terrible fight a couple months ago... seriously I called him up the next day and told him to meet me in a public place and I had spent most of the day talking with my bestfriend about everything... my parents don't like him, cause they think I'm settling... and then we're both going away to college... different colleges, but certain things just ... one thing to another... I got stressed and felt like it was too much. I just didn't want to deal with the fighting anymore so I told him to meet me.
We met in the parking lot of one of the theatres and I was bawling and told him we needed to take a break... that I just did not need stress and did not need all of this in my life right now. I loved him dearly... and the last thing I wanted to do was break it off..
either way... after some convincing, we're still together... and he's been working so hard to be more understanding, and me vice versa. Now I had talked with him about this after I had a stressful breakdown that landed me in the ER. Blah!
So here's my advice: make no decisions when you are stressed. Make sure you are in a "normal" frame of mind before doing anything rash. If you do love the person... even if things they say hurt... and you both appologize... you do love each other... it's a love/hate cycle that is in all of us. That is if it is real love.
I have constant spats... not really fights... but normal little tiffs and what not ever since. Before when we were just starting to date, this never came up because we were in that oogally mushy phase that lasted forever! And then when he bugged me, I wouldn't hang around him or I'd ignore it. Now, it's been 2plus years and we see each other all the time. Of course we are going to get on each other's nerves. It's normal. We do it to siblings too. :)
Also remember, guys can't read minds... and girls can't either. Be honest about what you are feeling... don't make them guess. It really is pointless.
Sincerely,
Ashleymarie Sey DeBondt
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I'm very happy for you and your relationship. And you have very good advice too. Thanks for sharing :-)