The Stranger, My Father

My parents were never married, harsh reality of America. I was born out of wedlock, obviously. I do believe however at one point my parents did have true feelings for one another, but why must I be subject to their own personal misjudgements? I didn't ask to be born into an unstable relationship, if it could be called a relationship at all, but I was sadly enough. I was brought up without a father figure just as most teen statisics now a days.
What's worse is that I knew my father and I'd see him once in a while, but he was never there. Make sense? Let me elaborate. He was one of those "don't worry honey, I'll see you next weekend because I have to go do some 'work', don't worry." Needless to say he's never held a steady job until a few years back, so only God knows what he was doing. He would call my mother and promise her and myself that he would pass by the next weekend at 9 in the morning. Naturally, as any 3 year old would do i sat and waited by the window at about a quarter till 9 the next weekend. I was excited to see my daddy because he'd promise he'd come. And i believed him. I was young naive, my absentee father was my world.
i would wait for about 2 hours until my mother would finally pry my fingers off the window sill as i was balling crying for my daddy. I remember once yelling at my mother saying "papi doesn't want to come because of you. He hates me because of you." Wow. what pain my mother must have went through that day, what pain have i gone through, and am going through.
Everytime my father told me he'd go to one of my soccer games, I believed him. I trusted him. He took me to the Bahamas once in a while to do business and I loved it. When I was in fifth grade up until seventh grade, I had fun with my daddy and his new girl friend. Eighth grade hit, he told me to quit soccer, my one love in life, and I obliged like his little pet. Amazing what kids will do for the attention of the parent who's neer there to show their love and affection.
I quit soccer and that same year, he stopped seeing me. I quit for him just as he quit on me. That year I didn't see my father till the next Christmas at my grand mothers house. My mother saw my father and snapped and there it went, another Christmas ruined thanks to the parents. [[sigh]]
Now that I'm 18 years old and I see my father playing wiwth my little cousins, I'm jealous. Why didn't he ever treat me that way? I still long for his affection after the child support court dates and the mandatory psychological therapy sessions the court ordered for me. I still need him in my life. I still want him, my father, my dad. I still cry for him.
How is it that some grown men never grow up and allow their little girl to go on growing up without knowing them? I don't understand. At all. How can someone who is "mature" allow for their child to go on living with the other parent without adequete care and certain needs not being fulfilled. How is this possible?
I just wish sometimes that I could turn back time or at least children should be allowed to pick what families they could be born into. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? Or is it my deep longing for male attention apparent in the way I look at my boyfriend? It may sound sick, but I think I need a man in my life to be my father figure, so I chose, him. Not healthy I know.
Well that's all I have to say. Let me know what you think please

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