Life

Seventeen years old,
5'6",
126 lbs,
I'm fat.
I know, I sound like a stupid little brat fishing for people to tell me that I'm not fat at all.
I know, I need to stop complaining.
Truth is though that it's hard for me to not think about my weight...and food/eating.
I am bulimic.
I have only admitted this to one person before, but I'm pretty sure that he was drunk,
whether he actually was or not, it doesn't matter, because he didn't think twice about it.
When I see other people who are my height and weight, i see them as skinny or at least
a good, normal/healthy size.
But when I see myself I see fat. Plain and simple - I feel and feel like I look flat out fat.
I guess that's why I've been bulimic for two years or so now.
It's disgusting. I hate it.
I don't remember how it started out. One time before it all started I felt sick and my sister
told me to go ahead and throw up, I told her that I couldn't because I didn't want to start
something that I wouldn't be able to stop.
So how did it start? Like I said, I don't really know.
I've always had issues with my weight, even way back when I was a little kid,
I was never overweight, but bigger than all my friends.
I don't remember the first time I purposely made myself throw up, or what I ate.
But I do remember telling myself that it was only a temporary phase.
I read something online saying that bulimia gets the best of those who suffer from it.
I do remembber telling myself that I was in control and could stop when I wanted.
Now those feelings are gone. I've snapped into reality and am not so confident.
This past little while I've been working on trying to quit binging and purging.
But so far the best I've done is three days. The satisfaction I get out of not throwing up
and not having to worry about it is amazing, yet I still can't stick with it.
I throw up in the shower, or in plastic bags in a back room in my house then throw
them away. My house is open, and there's no door to the bathroom, only a curtain,
so throwing up in the toilet generally isn't an option.
It's disgusting. I hate it.
I want to quit so bad, but the binges get me, and I can't leave all that in my stomach.
I eat so much on my binges it's rediculous, and uncomfortable, I have to get rid of it.
Being bulimic really doesn't help loose weight, maybe controling it, but not loosing.
Besides, the only reason there is something that really needs to be controled is because
of the binging brought on by the disorder in the first place.
I gained weight over the summer. I didn't throw up as often as I should have.
I've lost it now. But bulimia makes me gain.
It's so stupid.
I'm doing something to try and lose weight, but it causes me to gain.
The only times I loose weight are the days my will power holds out and I don't eat.
Those are the days I like.
Eating is sick, watching peopel shove food in their mouths, keeping it in your stomach
and essentialy letting it rot. I know, you digest it before it rots, believe me, I know.
I've got digestion times down, I know my time limits for when I have to throw up by
after I eat. That's what gets me alot of times, I wait too long.
The felling of throwing up.
I'ts disgusting. I hate it.
I want to stop so badly. I just want this to go away.
I can't go see a psychologist or anything like that.
There aren't support groups around.
I don't know how doctors react to people telling them their buimic?
There's no chance of me telling my parents.
I'm alone in the battle against quitting.
It's hard, but I'm really going to start cracking down on myself. I'm trying.

Thank you if you've read all of this. Sorry if you got bored.
Honestly, if it were someone elses I probably wouldn't have read it all,
I'm not good at reading.
Anyway, if you have any words or advice or pesonal experiences to tell about,
I would greatly appreciate it.