This is a tad bit similar to the first in the Alternative Blogging series, but will differ from the Free Write. This version mimics a “stream of consciousness” but is also represented in story-form (in other words, I describe what is physically happening). I actually came up with this idea while walking to my dorm room today. This blog entry will represent my thoughts during a typical day on campus. Here's goes nothing!
Outcast. Yeah, that’s a good word. Sometimes it seems like everything clicks, and other times I feel like a high schooler who’s accidentally stumbled onto a college campus. Sometimes I can talk to other classmates with no problem at all, and other times I stay completely mute. Don’t talk to anyone, don’t make unnecessary eye contact, don’t say anything stupid. Just be the introvert. Don’t make any mistakes that will negatively affect social status. Being socially accepted is crucial for college students…
[Do I really think like this? I like to think I’m above petty thoughts of social status, but as I’m typing this I’m seeing otherwise.]
Walking from class. It’s really starting to rain now, the drops becoming huge and heavy, increasing in intensity and volume as the storm gains strength. The weather feels like a curse or simply bad karma. Ugh, my books are going to get destroyed. This 80 something dollar Sound Recording book and my notebook of irreplaceable notes are about to be turned to paper paste. Fun fun. This is exactly what I paid over $200 for…to have my books ruined. Ugh, money issues, being unable to afford these things, needed to get a stupid loan for these stupid books!
So I open up my coat--a winter coat with no hood or anything, so it’s completely irrelevant to the current weather situation. I place my threatened notebook and textbook into my coat and zip it up most of the way. The mad dash down the walk path begins, starting out as a fast walk and turning into a hurried, irregular trot, thinking only of the warm dry air present in the dorm. I pass people walking in the opposite direction and suddenly my self-consciousness rears it’s ugly head again. What will these people think of me, hiding books in my coat? What a stupid freshman, a geek. Wow, I tell myself, these thoughts are once again idiotic.
I become very self-aware when I get this uneasy. I register every flitting eye movement, think about what my facial expression must look like to others, and wonder about other things that are completely stupid and trivial matters. I know these thoughts are trivial, yet I can’t help it. Passing a girl on the sidewalk, I do the typical look-over-quick to briefly see this person and then otherwise ignore her as I pass. I wonder if it’s normal to stare at people for more than a milisecond. Do people try to ignore each other completely, or do they want to be seen?
hmm, I clicked on this pretty randomly--I don't browse much on ProgU anymore--but I'm glad I did.
I think a lot, a lot, a lot about how individuals alter their behaviors in groups. The situation doesn't even have to be remotely threatening---individuals will still still alter their behaviors hugely to fit in, they will display an unrelenting self-censorship, they will slice off their own limbs, tear their hearts out and lash it to these social structures, self-lobotomize and attempt autodecapitation--all to fit in, to make the right impression, to gain respectability, to impart the correct public image.
As a matter of fact, this idea is something that occurred to me really strongly today, which is why it's so auspicious that I read this entry.
I'm in this discussion-based class where less than half of the people say anything. Today I was thinking hard about the mental processes governing the choice of whether to speak. It seems that everyone exercises this overwhelming activity of first checking to see whether what they say and how they say it will appear "appropriate" or intelligent.
It seems that "to succeed in the world, we do everything we can to appear successful" (Francois VI, de La Rochefoucauld). The students seem to dedicate so many cognitive resources to -appearing- competent that there's not much left to probe the topic at hand---in this case some challenging but not too daunting political theories. The ideas are not -that- difficult, but they do require an unclouded mind to think through the problem, good memory, some insight and reason---but most people just weren't engaged at all.
Kids today are expert sociologists; in a moment we can intuit exactly how acceptable a certain behavior would be, whether it's 'sketchy' or 'legit' or unacceptable---and we apply these standards to our moment-to-moment decisions.
It is this oppressive activity of self-consciousness that pretty much renders impossible productive activity in a social environment. It's the precise reason why awkward moments exist (and dominate my life); it's why classroom discussion drags on unproductively; it is probably why we feel disconnected from other people and uncomfortable in crowds, and so on.
The solution is to free oneself of these considerations; the social strictures are arbitrary and the -task at hand- is the only worthy one. Appearances of respectability don't matter anything like actual competence does; shall we let "the belt unravel and the pants fall" (Ray Bradbury), the chips crumble as they may, behold both the mistakes and the answers?
I realize that this comment sounds more like a rant, and also that pretty much no one else is this intensely analytical, and that most people don't spend an eternity navel-gazing before they talk to people, they're extroverts and they just do it. but hey it's somewhat stream of consciousness and so in the spirit of this entry--I've recorded it all as fast as I can type--even then my thoughts jumped ahead and I had to skip sections to fill in later. Obviously inspiration has struck so please forgive tautologies, redundancies, repetition, purple phrases, rhetoric overstatement, etc etc etc etc.
Michael Allen Yarbrough (PBUH)
Seriously, good comments sometimes make or break my own impressions of a blog I've written, so I thank you for your kind words. And the apology at the end was not necessary, for I felt you expressed yourself admirably and intelligently. You're not the only one to be so analytical, but there's only about three people (including yourself) that have been so intensely analytical in one of my blog entries. It's a rare treat, in other words.
It truly is amazing how we all (generalization here, please excuse it) try so hard to fit in or not seem like "the weird kid". I was a little worried that my entry would paint me into some role I dlon't always think of for myself: an intense introvert hardly daring to speak out or be different. The truth is, I'm usually quite the opposite. In theatre classes, writing/English classes, and history classes I am able to speak out the most because I am able to get into a comfortable position. Once I'm used to a class, I become the one who answers all the questions and listens attentively. Yet STILL, I am also that shy introvert who wonders if I've said something wrong, or done something awkward.
I think we all need to break out of these molds. I know, a lame statement, but isn't it true? But society is a hard thing to change, so it'll take individual effort to work against the popular ways of doing things.
I hope my reply was a tenth as intelligent as your comment.
I know what you mean. I feel the same way so many times. I think it's important for people to know that people *do* feel like this... so many times we think we're the only ones. Thanks for putting this out there! You're not alone :)