My paternal grandfather and uncle stopped by yesterday and dragged my husband out to lunch and on a technology shopping trip. I didn't even dare ask what they had gotten when they returned. My hands were already full of two hostile toddlers who were both angry at my sister and I for what they no doubt equate to the torture treatment (though in Alo's case, I don't much blame him, we had just tortured him).
Kaia had decided that tossing every article of clothing that he and his brother possessed around the room made for great fun and we were in the midst of a "pick it up" argument that we already knew we weren't going to win for at least another hour. And poor Alo had just been put through the draining of an abscess torture treatment.
He was lying in the floor doing his damndest to pull is trach out in his typical "Ha! That's what you get, bitches!" way. And believe me, if you knew the poor baby, you'd totally understand why I say that's his way. It's not an exaggeration. He has an attitude and is not afraid to use it to terrify us out of our minds by ripping out the trach and waving it in the air like it's a banner of freedom only to laugh like he's gone mad once we get it back in and he's breathing again. And Kaia, being Kaia was running in circles screaming like a banshee, determined to let us know in no uncertain terms that while he's old enough to make the messes, he has no intention of picking them up until threatened with the loss of every Thomas toy he possesses (which we hadn't yet worked up too).
It was total chaos. We quickly wrestled the boys into some semblance of humanity, kissed grandpa hello and attempted to get caught up on all the happenings that we have missed over the past few weeks, being tethered 60 miles away from them by a ventilator and a rigorous Alo schedule as we are.
And then, Grandpa dropped the big bomb.
I had never even thought about it before. Hadn't really even considered it a possibility, but somehow over the past three weeks, I have officially become the only one of my siblings that is "not another statistic". It took a while for me to wrap my head around that. I'm still not sure how anyone figures that's the truth.
Both my older sister and her husband and my older brother and his wife have just finalized divorces. And my younger sister is a single mother. Someone told me I should be proud of myself because I haven't failed. I couldn't figure out why. Not really. I mean, why's the demise of a marriage or the unwillingness of one man to be a father and the suicide of another something to be proud of? I'm not sure it was meant to come out that way, but in the end, that's really what it boils down too. I should be proud of myself because of the tragedy of another...
Are you serious? Is that really how we view divorce and single parenthood? I should pat myself on the back and say good job because my marriage hasn't disintegrated around my ears and I didn't get pregnant before I got married? We should take heart in knowing that we're not one of the "poor SOB's" that have become another statistic in a long line of statistics surrounding divorce and parenthood? We're supposed to be gleeful when things crash and burn for another?
That doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Divorce and single parenthood are part and parcel of life to so many now. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't make one a failure, a lesser being, someone less worthy of respect. So... why exactly am I supposed to point to those people and say "well, at least I didn't turn out like you?" Is it supposed to make me feel better? Make them feel worse? They have become less and I have suddenly become more because of something I had no hand in? My marriage is now of more value because it's the only one in my family that hasn't failed?
I call bullshit. Being married and not being a single mom (or no mom as my personal case is), doesn't elevate me to some higher ground than my divorced and single parent siblings. It doesn't make me any better. It doesn't give me reason to crow, or for them to look away in shame. They may be new to the statistics of divorces that fail in five years, or 18-21 year olds that become single parents... but so what? I've got sad statistics of my own.
I'm one of the 6.1 million women that can't have children.
I'm one of the one in five Americans with a learning disability.
I'm one of the one in six women that have been the victim of sexual assault.
I couldn't tie my own shoes until I was in the first grade (I was 7).
Should they feel better now? None of my siblings are a number in any of those lines. Just me. Does their fertility, their fortune of having never been raped or being born without a learning disability somehow add value to them or take value from me?
I mean, come on! Do we seriously believe that the only way to build ourselves up is to tear others down and delight in their problems? In order for me to feel good and be content, I'm supposed to look at the misfortune of others and say "Well, I'm doing better than that poor bastard. He's divorced!" Yeah, I really see that happening.
Personally, I'd rather point at the people that think it's good form to look at another and think "well, I'm better than you, I'm not a single parent or a divorcee or a ____(insert name here)" as the type of person I don't want to be. Being a single mom, alone or a host of other things I could handle. Being an insensitive jerkoff would kill me.
I'm not proud. Because I'm not better than any of my siblings or anyone else for that mater. We all toe the same line. We all fuck up. We all fail. Some marriages crash and burn. Others stay strong. Some of us have children. Some of us never do. And most of us learn from our mistakes. I'd rather share ranks with those folks than the idiot that only feels better when feeling like some superior being. I've made plenty of my own mistakes. I'm not going to begrudge someone else a mistake... especially when that "mistake" made some of the most beautiful children I've ever laid eyes on or gave someone some of the best years and memories they had ever had.
(If you feel inclined to rate this post, please don’t rate higher than a 4).
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I wish there were more people like you. This world would be a lot better place. There but for the grace of GOD go I.....great post. (Couldn't help myself. Gave you a fiver.)
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I think though, that there are a lot of good people in this world. Many of them. We just tend to hear more from the people that aren't so good than we do anyone else. I'd rather be one of those good people, even if it's never recognized!
As far as rating, I've had so many posts on the highest rated list that I feel bad about it. I'm happy that everyone is enjoying my posts, but I'm not in the contest and would rather the space go to someone that is in the contest and could benefit contest wise from the extra recognition. We don't have the option to turn rating off (and contestants get points for rating so that wouldn't really be fair either) so I've just taken to asking not to be rated high enough to make the list. That way, space goes to someone else and everyone still gets to rate and earn the points for it.
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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I voted you down. Let me know if you need it again. That score should keep you out of the highest rated for a while, though.
~C
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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One of my cousin's (girl) was forced into an arranged marriage [by her parents :(]
and it ended in divorce and it was a really painful experience for everyone involved and even us kids who did not know much about it were really hurt (i was 13)
..... this story is about 6-7 years old, but I was the one who was there for her first marriage and the guy was my dad's friends son and in the end when it did not work out, my aunt and her family always had bad feelings toward us
but thankfully we are upon better times now, as my cousin is married and had a 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son and living happily with her husband
some of what she went through was that she thought she had to remain married but she just could not get along with the guy (my dad had told her mom [his sister] to not force her daughter but of course my aunt did not listen)
IN the end, thankfully the divorce was finalized and I know both of the people involved my cousin and her exhusband are now happily married to people they love and have kids
SO, I really think that you always write about such meaningful issues and force people to think and confront ideas that they had not wanted to think of or did not know of. keep writing and I will keep reading and commenting.
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
I'm glad that your cousin made it through the experience and came out stronger. Everyone deserves to be happy and I hope her happiness with her marriage and children remains with her forever. Your story is a perfect example of marriage not meaning someone is a failure; thanks for sharing it!
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work. Staying in one of those marriages where neither party is happy does no one any good, especially when there are children involved. My parents never should have married. But they did. And then they separated and a few years down the road, decided it was better for us kids for them to be together even if they couldn't stand each other. That was the worst decision they ever could have made for themselves and for us. We all paid for it, we were all miserable. Things didn't get better until they finally went their separate ways for good.
Now my father is remarried and I have a new little brother. He is so happy. My mom has been in a relationship for years and now all of my nephews have one of the most amazing grandfathers anyone could ever wish for. And she's happier than I have ever seen her. That's not failure in my book! And if my sister and brother left marriages that made both them and their spouses miserable and now have a chance to find that same happiness, I'm happy for them, whether anyone else agrees or not.
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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there is no point in putting up false pretenses even for kids, kids already know that things are not working and they may never work so it is better to amiably separate and make everyday a lot more easier to pass and just let the negativity end-- So i think there is good in what will come out of the divorces in your family
you know I am still so affected by what happened with her that I really don't want to marry unless I know fully how the person is (not how they seem to be but how the guy actually is). not that her ex was someone she had these problems with but they were just oil and water, they did not understand each other and the situation was bad.
and NOW i can finally say that our family is over that bad period, for a while My cousin did not talk to my family at all, I did not even really know her kids until two years ago but things get better and now she is a great support for me too in my tough times.
"Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right."
http://www.progressiveu.org/231615-this-is-a-muslim-girls-plight
I have almost always liked your posts, they are well written and thoughtout, but if rating you low is something you want I shall do so. Anyway another great post, very intresting, I like the point about not degrading people to make yourself feel better it's a lesson everyone should learn. Anyway goodluck in not making it to the highest posts :) wow that just sounds weird.
lol, thanks. And I definitely think that's a lesson everyone could benefit from. It's just sad that we don't even consider it more than we do (which for some is never).
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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It is kind of funny this is the basic form of bullying, degrading others to make yourself feel better, but a lot of people do it (though usually in their heads) without realizing it. Just like you said a lot of people base what they are doing, or compare what they are doing on other people and feel it's alright, but really it's what so many people are trying to stop in schools and such.
I must confess, I am being a hypocrite, I have done this but have been trying not to, sometimes it's hard because my mind can tend to wander but I am still trying. Hopefully one day this bad habit will be broken, maybe one day my mind will stop being perverted too, but that is in the future and I can only influence that.
No one is perfect. We all screw up and do things or think things about others that are just mean spirited. I catch myself doing it sometimes and every time I do, I remember what happened over the modeling thing and I feel horrible.
When I was in high school I made it into a modeling program. My boyfriend's ex was also competing to get into the program. She was always sweet to me and I just didn't like her (she was my boyfriends ex... that's the only reason I had for not liking her). And when I made it and she didn't I thought some awful things about her. I felt better about making it because she didn't make it. I was better, more worthy than her. She would never be as good at it as I was....
And then I found out how much she had really wanted to make it into the program because she wanted to go into acting and her family couldn't afford to pay for her without the scholarship unless she left the dance team. I didn't even really want in the program, had no intention of ever modeling (hated modeling), it was just something to do to alleviate the boredom and would let me dabble in acting. I felt so horrible about it (still do actually) and bawled over what a horrid person I was. It was a defining moment to say the least. I quit the program so the spot could go to someone else who did really want to be there.
I still screw up, but after that, I realized it just wasn't worth it. I didn't feel better, I just ended up feeling guilty that I had to make myself feel better by being horrid toward someone else or thinking horrid things about someone else that had never done anything but be nice to me. It's just not worth being a horrible person (and to me, that's being a horrible person) and feeling guilty for years just to feel better (if you even really ever do) for 5 minutes.
The fact that you're working on doing better says something about you. Most don't even acknowledge that they do those things or that it's wrong. So, you deserve kudos!
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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Thanks
Holy crap Fallon. This post blew me away, just your willingness to just open and let all your emotions out is a virtue I hope to someday master. I agree with you, I hate the false judgements against single parents, and even happily married couples. But what you said, really got me. When I was a freshman in high school I was sexually assaulted, a secret that my best friend doesn't even know. Also, from all my signs that I am showing, I may not be able to have children. There is a chance that I can, but there is a large chance that I can't. And the thought alone frightens the crap out of me, my dream since I can even remember my dreams, has been to be a Mother. I would give up every job opportunity, every career dream, everything to be a Mom. However, seeing your posts about how you cope, gives me hope that I may be able to as well, if my biggest fear does become reality. We seem to have a lot in common.
Hang in there dear. I won't even attempt to tell you not to worry about it or be upset over it because you will be and that's perfectly acceptable. It's one of the most heartbreaking things to ever have to learn or live through, especially when you want it so badly. But, you do survive, even when it is pure hell. And it will be. It hurts. You want to scream and cry about how unfair it is. You feel like a terrible person when someone else says they're pregnant and the first thing you think is "I i wish it were me."
And then, you come out stronger in the end for it. The people I know that have dealt with infertility are some of the most phenomenal parents you could ever hope a child could have. Infertility puts into perspective what's important and what isn't relatively quickly and makes you deal with it. You don't get to escape. You get your hopes up again and again and watch them crumble. You fall to pieces. And then, you pick yourself up and find the things that keep you going. And when you finally do hold your baby in your arms, or the baby of someone that went through it right alongside you, it's worth every bit of the torture.
I will tell you though, do not attempt to go through it alone. Being able to talk and cry and rant and share with others that are going through the same thing is priceless. When I first found out how difficult it would be to have a child, I joined a group with a friend that had recently learned she had infertility issues. Over the past few years, we have added others to our ranks from all across the country. We're closer than most families and it helps. We've helped each other through the hardest times and been there when one of the girls does finally get their wish. They don't try to make you feel better with halfhearted responses that you don't for a second buy, because they're going through it too. Find a group like that and stick to it like glue. That group will help keep you sane and allow you to do the same for others. Goddess knows, it was that group of awesome women that kept me from falling completely to pieces when I miscarried and then Alo was born and having such a rough time fighting to survive just a week later.
Being able to fall apart when you need to and having someone there that knows what it's like to help you put yourself back together again is truly the best thing someone dealing with infertility can have.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me at fallon_glenn@yahoo.com
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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I just wanted to say we are all statistics wether we are on the what would be called the negative or posative side of the numbers. I know some people that think you are unfortunate to still be married. Your right people's view of things can be real diffrent and wrong.
There is a real life lesson and a call for change here...why do you only ask for no more than a vote of 4...Ego getting to inflated;)
Will you be adopting children in the future or will youjust not have any kids.?
I did not read the other comments so if i re-mentioned something sorry.
~busy
all truths are easy to understand once discovered; the point is to discover them ~galileo
When I finish college, we're going to do in vitro. We plan to adopt at least two kids as well, whether we're ever able to have our own or not.
And no more than a 4 because I'm not in the contest and don't want to be on the Highest Rated List again.:)
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~Fallon~
"Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something." Henry David Thoreau
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