Just over a month of college taking all my free time away, I'm back with another blog! And the reason I'm here is one of triumph... well, sort of.
Anyone who's been following my blogs since I got here during the last scholarship competition knows that I've been struggling, and coming out on top, with insecurities and crippling self-image issues, getting through with the help of my long-distance boyfriend, who was pretty much clueless about the whole thing.
Well, being in a new place surrounded by new people has brought some of those insecurities back. I'd feel depressed about things and just feel like a cruddy person, without knowing why. And I always feel so guilty when my roommate and classmates are struggling with their own problems, wanting to help so badly, but knowing that I simply can't.
Then we began studying Freud in my Social Sciences class. So long as he stays away from sexuality, what he says makes a lot of sense. Mostly because I feel like he's talking about me. So I started thinking... I'm probably repressing things, and repressing them unsuccessfully. That could, in essence, explain my mysterious fevers and illnesses that my doctor could never treat or figure out. They were just symptoms of the unsuccessful repression. Okay, I can buy that. And I've been well for a while now. I've also been randomly filled with productive energy, resulting in chalk pastel drawings, furniture moving, and cleaning. That could all be pretty much sublimating. Without acknowledging something I'm repressing, I turn it into something socially productive. Check. And then, trying to think about this stuff for class, my issues with myself really came creeping back and made me feel like a neurotic.
So I finally caved. I talked it out with my boyfriend. I explained as best I could what I was feeling, and he helped me feel better about it all. Tonight, I realized something about myself. My need to help people is a selfish one. I've had this nervous energy because I HAVE been sublimating. I've unconsciously been doing all I can to avoid acknowledging that I simply need to be needed. My family and friends back home hardly seem to notice my absence. I don't have a deep friendship with anyone out here just yet. I've been feeling lost and alone. I've been feeling useless again, and that's a place I never want to go back to.
But I am needed by one person, and he proceeded to assure me that I'll be fine, because I'm tough enough to handle whatever comes my way, and to make me laugh with a corny joke. And now, because I figured that out about myself, I feel a lot better. I need to be needed, and I am. And soon, I'll be needed by a cat as well. So I'll be okay. I feel a little selfish, realizing that my main motivation for wanting to help is so that I'll feel wanted and needed, but I also know that it's okay to be selfish sometimes.
I feel like I've accomplished something tonight. With a little help from someone I should have turned to sooner, I've brought out into the open and conquered a little part of myself. I'm that much stronger, and that much farther along the path to finally feeling at peace with myself. I return after a brief absence with a story of triumph and success, and look forward to more triumph as I get through my first semester of college and become more aware of the world. Freud may have had me a little concerned, but all in all, I think reading his lectures helped me out in the end. And finally... finally I've been able to open up to the person I trust the most, and have received nothing but love and support in return. I'm not so afraid to face my inner demons anymore... they won't know what hit 'em!
